Until you can sneak out from work or school or the penitentiary to enjoy its wonderfulness, feast your eyes on deschamp’s (Eric in rl, I believe) Last Supper (Star Wars), completed for Giant Magazine.

(Educate thyself: Wikipedia of the inspiration, The Last Supper, by Leonardo da Vinci.)

I declare the Summer blockbuster season open for business.

Wired has an e-article today about Star Wars fans and their — how to say? — compulsive devotion to the series, including a fan tattoo site, an R2 builders’ club (I’m not making that up), and an online toy museum, whose poor curator is well over his bandwidth allowance with Geoshitties — no doubt thanks to the mention in Wired.

Also, some other Star Wars related articles in the left sidebar, as well as an article about p0rn bloggers. It’s a hellish industry. P0rn, not blogging. Not that I read it. I’m guessing.

If you still don’t have your wardrobe finalized for tonight’s midnight showing, TK409.com’s Do It Yourself Star Wars Props can help. Most of these look pretty time consuming — I recommend you stop wasting time on the net and get going. DO IT NOW!

About those props, if you’re a jedi, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency has a short list of Embarassing Things That Might Happen to You While Using a Lightsaber.

I would have thought the fact that you’re carrying around a plastic toy would be embarassment enough. Learn something new every day.

David Letterman’s Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Star Wars Character.

Are you like me? Do you want to beat anyone wearing a Stormtrooper costume with their plastic laser gun? Good.

We’re going to need more targets, there’s just not enough to go around. Take time today to send the instructions for Building a Stormtrooper Costume to all of the Star Wars fanbags you know.

So many of the pre-release reviews spend far too much time apologizing for Movies 1 and 2. Ya ya, we all have excuses and I don’t know anyone that didn’t hate Movie 2, I mean active, bile-filled hate. We’ve moved on. Is THIS one any good?

Two reviews that are well-written and interesting of their own merit: One that loves Movie 3 and one that doesn’t (popup alert on 2nd link).

Lastly, a flickr photo set from the Star Wars Celebration III, April 2005 in Indianapolis. Lucas approved with properly displayed ©’s ™’s ®’s! More details about the convention were detailed in USA Today, bloglike format.

Much dedication for their hobby they have.

I would guess that some of them have their own blogs where they write humorous anecdotes and post news items, almost every day, for NO PAY.

What kind of a pathetic nutjob would do that?

Bugspray on food isn’t wholesome, but I’d rather have bugs? Oh. And I don’t want to pay too much for my food either, so if the farm industry could just remember to do that from now on, that’d be greaaaaaaat.

Other Star™ Wars™ bits: I’m hoping in this 3rd episode that someone takes the Jedi to task for letting that spoiled little bitch, Anakin, spiral out of control. Nice prescreen job on that.

Are you like me? Do you have no idea how to spell Anakin (Annakin? Anaken?) unless you use a cheat sheet? Are you a little off your game when trying to discuss the dozens of minor characters in Star Wars Lore™? (And really, why would you?) Do like I do and cheat: Star Wars Character databank.

Finally, the best promo for Episode 3: Revenge of the Loose Ends, NO QUESTION, is the Burger King ad. You know the series … where the guy opens his curtains, the King is standing in his backyard, he wakes up next to the King, he answers the door and there’s the King. Creepy.

Best promo, Darth Vader running into the creepy King.

Continuing HypeFest 2005 … some Star Wars links to click:

TheForce.net — “Your daily dose of Star Wars”. They are, apparently, serious.

Forbes’ list of the biggest Star Wars flops. (riddled with ads and popups … you’ve been warned.) The Star Wars Holiday Special??? Oh how I hope that creator never worked in that town again.

How to make a jedi robe — Jedi fashion never really took off like, say, The Matrix style did. Maybe because Neo could kick jedi ass. There. I said it.

Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars, gimme that Star Wars, don’t let them end. Bill Murray encores his lounge singer’s Star Wars theme.

It will take all weekend to get that out of my head. JUST GREAT.

Less than one week until the release of the (let’s hope) final Star Wars movie: Star™ Wars™ – Epsiode 3™ – Revenge™ of the Sith™ . And when I say “let’s hope”, I mean we can’t take much more merchandising avarice from this franchise.

(Somebody think of a new franchise, QUICK!)

I’ll be inserting some Star™ Wars™ links and fond, oh so fond, Star™ Wars™ memories to help build the hype from my end. I don’t know about you, but after Star™ Wars™ Episode 2™, I need a LOT OF HYPE to get me pumped for this.

Speaking of Star™ Wars™ Episode 2™, let’s start the link fest off right with a nostalgic revisit with Triumph, the Insult Dog, and his interview of the Star™ Wars’™ freaks fans waiting to see Episode 2™.

I’m as excited as a little girl!

Sony is just so damn fucking EVIL, someone has to joust their windmill. Fortunately, I have better eyesight than Don Quixote.

Today, Sony patched Publish 10 – The Path of the Jedi in Star Wars Galaxies, the long awaited revamp of the Jedi unlock system. After reading through the corporate PR post of why this is good for all of us!, I’ve decided a more accurate title would have been “The Path of the Skullfuck”, subtitle: We’ve Been Skullfucking You for Months, What’s One More?

(Disclaimer: I have no desire or intent – and never have – to grind through professions, levels or quests to obtain a jedi character. If one was handed to me or if I could pay a few REAL LIFE bucks to get one, then wtf, give me a jedi. Otherwise, shove it up your ass sideways.)

Many players don’t feel this way and rabidly want a jedi character. That shouldn’t surprise anyone … apparently that was news to the original SWG dev team, however.

History lesson for SWG noobs … the original system to obtain a jedi character was completely unknown — no clues, no official word, nothing. SOE tells the playerbase to just enjoy the game, jedi will come to you during ordinary play, even for the casual player.

Later, we all learned this wasn’t quite true. Jedi was coded to trigger after mastering five professions (out of a total 32 possible professions). Months pass, and still no jedi. What … a … shock, no player happened to randomly hit on the required five, and honestly, why in the world would anyone? Did they think the attention-deficit crowd would make a good showing in opening up the jedi characters?

The player grumbling gets louder, so Sony introduces “holocrons”, these little glowing cubes that tell the player what profession he/she/it needs to master. Besides the problem that these holocrons only drop off of high-level mobs so non-combat players have no chance in fucking hell of ever seeing one, the holocrons will only tell the player four of the five needed professions; you have to guess the last one. (Sheer evil genius)

Jedi start popping out of the proverbial woodwork. Sony then (as we found out today although had long suspected) secretly recodes the system so that eight professions are required, four of which are not foretold by the holocrons. The odds are freaking astronomically against you that you could accurately guess the eight professions without error. I doubt there was even one person that did; I never heard of anyone that ever did — not even a rumor of a rumor of a someone.

No matter, the catass crowd reacted as they usually do … by grinding out all 32 professions. Problem solved.

Fast forward to today. SOE explains that they had indeed changed the system long ago to require eight professions instead of five (thank you sir, may I have another?), and the new jedi system is now quest-based (no surprise) and, ahem, gated. (SURPRISE!!!) In other words, you can’t begin the path to jedi until enough of the players ahead of you on the path have passed through the quest system.

(Or something like that. Who the fuck knows since the usual SOE bullshit is to not explain anything fully … or else we’d really get pissed.)

I managed to dodge this skullfuck, mostly by remaining disinterested and avoiding content. Come to think of it, that’s the only tried and true method I’ve found to keep SOE’s dick at bay … content avoidance.

I highly recommend it.

Problem is, in Star Wars: Galaxies, players can be “tipped” credits against their will or even while offline. Tipping is a completely passive activity for the recipient. Hence, Sony’s encore appearance in the coveted “Asshats of the Week” sidebar.

But, there’s more!

SWG server Intrepid, naive Sony noobs that they are, decided to stage an ingame protest in Theed (major gathering area) to demand that Sony properly investigate the bannings and reinstate the innocent players. And by “properly investigate”, I mean investigate AT ALL, and use SOME EVIDENCE (as opposed to none) before assigning guilt.

The ingame protest begins to lag the server, CSRs arrive to tell the crowd to disperse, and, to quell the uprising (or maybe just to fuck with them), Team Sony begins randomly teleporting players around the galaxy and booting people from the server. (Class act, that Sony!)

Below is an excerpt from a chat log that one such player, Eloran, had with a few CSRs inquiring about the official banning policy. Rather than link to the board post (because I think we can all agree that post isn’t long for this world), I’m reproducing it here, for History’s sake. (My editoralization in red)

CSR Josh K.: Hello Eloran, Thank you for contacting Sony Online Entertainment. One moment please, while I read your question. Thank You! (poor Josh)
Eloran Starlighter: Okay, CSR JoshK
CSR Josh K.: How may I help you today Eloran?
Eloran Starlighter: I’m sure you are aware of the recent credit duping ban spree. I have NOT been banned, but I do have a question
Eloran Starlighter: What will happen if I am tipped malicious credits? I do not dupe, but the economy should not screech to a halt (what will happen? Your ass is banned too. Any other ?s)
Eloran Starlighter: If you do not answer, I want to speak to your supervisor. If you ignore me, I will report you. I hate to threaten, but I will not be taken lightly.
Eloran Starlighter: ….Josh?
CSR Josh K.: Did you contacted a in game CSR? (wtf, Josh = Apu in Delhi?)
Eloran Starlighter: This is NOT an in game issue, they have not helped me. I want information. If you will not give it, please give me your supervisor. This circular “Talk to this guy” “talk to that guy” “send an e-mail there” ruse is annoying. Please give me information or a higher-up.
CSR Josh K.: One moment please, while I transfer you to another CSR who has the ability to assist you further with your issue. You will be returned to the queue and a CSR will assist you immediately. Thank You, and have a nice day. (argg, Josh used the hand-off hotkey)
Eloran Starlighter: If I am tipped malicious credits…what will happen? What if I sell my acklay bones and get paid with duped creds? I didn’t do anything wrong. Why should I be banned?
CSR Josh K. has left the session.
Please wait while we find an agent from the SOE HELP STAR WARS GALAXIES department to assist you.
You have been connected to CSR Ken V..
Eloran Starlighter: Thank you. =)
CSR Ken V. has left the session. (pussy)
Please wait while we find an agent from the SOE HELP STAR WARS GALAXIES department to assist you.
You have been connected to CSR Shane S..
CSR Shane S. has left the session. (pussy)
Please wait while we find an agent from the SOE HELP STAR WARS GALAXIES department to assist you.
You have been connected to CSR Ethan H..
CSR Ethan H. has left the session. (pussy)
Please wait while we find an agent from the SOE HELP STAR WARS GALAXIES department to assist you.
You have been connected to CSR Chris R..
CSR Chris R.: Hello Eloran, Thank you for contacting Sony Online Entertainment. One moment please, while I read your question. Thank You!
Eloran Starlighter: Are you CSR JoshK’s supervisor
Eloran Starlighter: ?*
CSR Chris R.: I am tier 2 support (wfe, does that mean paid more and actually in the USA?)
Eloran Starlighter: I assume that means you are higher up. Great.
CSR Chris R.: Is there something I can assist you with?
CSR Chris R.: Yes that is correct
Eloran Starlighter: Yes. I require information.
CSR Chris R.: Okay
Eloran Starlighter: This is not an in-game issue, so an in-game CSR is out of the question
Eloran Starlighter: I’m sure you are aware of the recent ban-spree due to credit duping. What will occur if I sell an item, and am paid with duped credits? What if I am maliciously tipped? Why should I be flagged and banned? Should the economy screech to a halt?
CSR Chris R.: Yes I am aware
Eloran Starlighter: if you cannot assist me, please send me to tier 3, to your supervisor, or to someone else. If you do not, I will gladly report you. I do not want to threaten, as you seem to be nice. But I shall not be taken lightly on this issue.
CSR Chris R.: Unfortunately there is no on e in this department that can assist you with this matter. All banned and suspended account must go thru swgsupport@soe.sony.com. That is who you will need to contact. (argg, the attempted hand off)
Eloran Starlighter: I am not banned nor suspended.
Eloran Starlighter: I said I wanted information.
Eloran Starlighter: I do not want an auto-response letter. Especially since I am not even banned.
CSR Chris R.: What information are you requesting? (scroll up, asshat)
Eloran Starlighter: What will occur if I sell an item, and am paid with duped credits? What if I am maliciously tipped? Why should I be flagged and banned? Should the economy screech to a halt?
CSR Chris R.: You will be banned (at least he’s honest)
CSR Chris R.: I would advise you not to do anything that would put your account at risk (like participating in the player economy in any way)
Eloran Starlighter: And how does one get unbanned? Pray to the mighty auto-response from swgsupport@soe.sony.com? =P
Eloran Starlighter: So I should stay logged out and let the people who hate my bank tip me? I should stop selling items? I should sit in the middle of Endor
Eloran Starlighter: ?*
CSR Chris R.: You do not
CSR Chris R.: Once an account is banned, it is gone forever (lie)
Eloran Starlighter: ….
Eloran Starlighter: Ouch
Eloran Starlighter: So you reccomend staying logged out? (Yes)
Eloran Starlighter: I mean, there seems no safe way. You can get bank tipped while offline
CSR Chris R.: To be perfectly honest with you. If you did receive any duped credit’s or purchased anything with duped credits, I would advise you to contact a CSR immediately. (and, err, how will she know that?)
CSR Chris R.: That is a in game support CSR (attempted hand-off)
Eloran Starlighter: I have not recieved anything. But I’m just saying, how can I possibly avoid it?
CSR Chris R.: If someone tips you a large amount of credits contact a in game support CSR (again, do not participate in the player economy)
Eloran Starlighter: All right. But…one other question
Eloran Starlighter: Let’s say I kill an acklay. I get some cool bones. I go and I sell it…a big-name weaponsmith purchases it. Now, he didn’t dupe…he’s too honest for that. But a few hours ago, someone bought his 3 mil weapon with some duped creds. He pays me for the bones with his money. What happens? (as if Chris R knows what an acklay bone is.)
CSR Chris R.: Now if something like that were to happen in game support could look at the logs and see that you were not in violation of the End User’s License Agreement. (WOOT! he used the EULA as a shield!)
Eloran Starlighter: But if I were already banned, my account would already be lost forever, wouldn’t it? Or can they unban it if I am proven innocent? (the phrase “proven innocent” just seems so wrong)
CSR Chris R.: They can do an investigation and unban an account
Eloran Starlighter: And if I am tipped big credits, I should immedietly call a CSR? And hold onto the money so he can remove it from the game? (it’s the players’ job to police game mechanics?)
CSR Chris R.: Yes that is correct, were talking millions of credits
Eloran Starlighter: So if I only recieve like 800K or something for my acklay bones, I should be safe..and if not…they can unban me, right? (800k, safe from SOE Gestapo; million(s), not safe)
CSR Chris R.: Yes
CSR Chris R.: That is correct
Eloran Starlighter: Thank you very much, CSR Chris R. You have been, by far, one of the most helpful CSRs I have ever met. I hope they give you a raise or a bonus or something. =) Please submit this log if it will help you recieve such a thing.
Eloran Starlighter: Have a wonderful day

Sony. They’re the fucking Nazgul.

My guildmates were swapping account info around like a cyber skank even after I made a post on the guild boards warning people not to do so. The guy you trust like a brother today, can bring your game play down around your ears tomorrow. And that’s not even considering what havoc he can wreak with your credit card number, real life address and phone numbers.

Guy B gets torked off at Guy A, logged onto A’s account, took his virtual money, phat lewt and deleted A’s characters on his way out the virtual door. Harsh. Reason? Because Guy A was elected new guild leader over Guy B. (well, obviously the right choice was made there, eh?)

All this is just allegation at this point, as Guy B hasn’t officially responded claiming responsibility. More later after this issue is investigated (and how fun for me, I’ll be heading up the internal investigation), and I also have a story about a prior incident eerily similar to this one, in another virtual world.

Noobs. When will they ever learn?

Contrary to predictions from the guild bleeding hearts, the WJ didn’t burst into tears and beg to remain on the island, but instead asked to receive an official guild email re: reasons for the termination … and then promptly switched factions and went off to live happily ever after with a pretend online boyfriend.

W T F

Not wtf about the pretend online boyfriend, that’s almost a daily event in online society, but W T F about getting a guild email outlining the reasons. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t do the snipe job on this, because no fucking way in hell would I take even two minutes of my time to write some bullshit for a whack job. (Although I would probably shorten my response to “fuck that”.)

No doubt in my mind that the WJ is gearing up to start some drama — O M G, I was crucified, and now I’m a martyr, PITY ME!! FLAME THEM!!

Here’s why you got waxed: You suck at PVP, even after WEEKS of practice, I can count on one thing from you … you’re dead before the battle is 30 seconds old. You’re a creep. I’ll go out on a limb and state that 26 year old adults making moves to have a sexual relationship with an 18 year old barely-adult pretend online boyfriend is CREEPY. You became the punchlines to all our jokes, for that and oh so much more.

Take your licks and move on. Which, after consideration, you should enjoy.