First, buried in the rogue forums amongst all the angst over the incoming haste nerf patch, “so im chilling in the dreaded ‘Friend Zone’..”, and our protagonist doesn’t give us much information, except this:

from Friend ladder to “good ladder”

DO or DIE and make the jump.

or

Let it be.

Probably, he’s referring to the hated Friends Ladder as postulated (and popularized) years ago at IntellectualWhores.com. (Click “Construction of the Ladder” for the professional graphic.)

There are a few amusing responses and even fewer helpful responses, but I particularly enjoyed reply #15 by this week’s top candidate for intense psychotherapy:

Stay away imo. especially if you work with her. She’s probably a wh0re anyways. Most of em are. A good 99% i’d guess.

So I’m guessing that Norman didn’t have a very healthy relationship with mom.

(Thanks, emailer Laura!)

Last, a spurned WoW lover used the forums to complain about the imaginary sex he had: KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR REPORT HERE. The thread was deleted (natch), but Google cache was quicker on the draw than me. (WARNING: This thread and the posted links are NSFW – language, masked language and ALL CAPS VIRTUAL SCREAMING.)

Basically, this level 61 rogue (that’s why you’re sitting on the bench, champ, L2Level) is claiming he had (real or imagined) sex with this woman who had sent him (real or stolen) nudey pics of herself (or her imagined self). It’s hard to decipher with the walls of text, maybe she’s his guildmate, maybe just a servermate, who knows, but neither party was satisfied, she moved on to other (real or imagined) lovers, and he chose to embarass himself on the server forums.

Quoted rants after the jump. Again, NSFW! (Names/img links edited from the quoted text.)

Listen up you %%!@ing douchebags defending *female game-name*, besides the like 2 other chicks(who are probably whale-esque %%%*#!!s anyway) defending her, everyone of you is a %%!@ing guy. if you’re not within the ages of 16-32, reconsider your %%!@ing life right now you douchebag. get the %%!@ off the internet old *%*#@#@.
now listen up horny ass little !**#@*s, I know you all love *female game-name* because “if she once dated an internet dude, she might do it again, right?!” besides the fact that she already is(so you’re building up your goddamn internet poke-a-snatch credit way too late), the !%@!# ALREADY GOT NAKED. And of course since *male game-name* is a goddamn @!!#@% trying to avoid a forum ban(very unlike me) he took down what most of you are looking for from this stupid #!#!, the twat and tits! now before I give away the big cha-bang, here’s a little teaser for you douchebags to shut the %%!@ up
http://bayimg.com/****
Yeah, those are REAL TITTIES, and yeah her myspace pictures DO make her look better(don’t worry, her %!#! looks like someone pumped testostorone into it, and her tits from another angle look like the international house of pancakes’ most disgusting crepes ever made!) and yes, you COULD be dating REAL GIRLS! even for you pathetic little @@!#heads it’s not impossible to get women, your attitude, self esteem and pretending you have money(they’re known as expensive %!##@s among men for a reason, and *male game-name* christened his little angel just that too)matter just as much as looks, unless you’re fat then you’re pretty much %%!@ed. BUT THERE DAWNETH THE LIGHT; A GIRL THAT DATES MEN ON THE INTERNET NO MATTER THEIR LOOKS! because, let’s face it, *male game-name* is a pretty ugly @!!#@% with a hideous little beard, and *female game-name*’s new boyfriend looks like what my chemical romance would look like if they were 15 year olds. We interupt this programm to bring you;
http://bayimg.com/****
warned you about the pancakes there!
anyway, going on, no, defending this girl is not going to get you laid, and you most definitly don’t want to %%!@ this aids-infested %!##@. you can lie to everyone here all you want, and honestly everyone that casually goes out(saturdays at best)will pick up on your BS right away(your friendly neighbourhood internet superheroes that can magically do it all, including me, me and me!). In the end though, you’re the one @*!*@!%!#ing in a pool of your own tears before you go to bed at night, that your best hope at ever getting a lay is that it doesn’t work out with this %!#!’s next boyfriend(or that dumb !%@!# from hostile that’s only in the guild because the trolls are disease-ridden *%*#@#@s that will do anything to hear a voice of a woman(INC FUNNY REPLIES ABOUT HOW THEY ARE “REALLY” GAY))and that the first guy she notices is you, because yes, that is how fast she goes through men. but here comes the reason why you’d never %%!@ing want to;
http://bayimg.com/****
the thing’s probably got more STD’s than this entire server combined. Probably because 90% of you are a bunch of goddamn virgins that wouldn’t have a shot at catching one anyway, and are trying your hardest to catch all of her’s with a single %%!@ing pokéball. If any of you, whatsoever, can read this entire post and still convince yourself that defending her, with that tiny, little shred of hope that she’ll eventually be your girlfriend, and that once you finally get to stick it in her %%!@ing pooper, she @@!#s all over your %#!# too (that’s really disgusting btw *female game-name*, good job) is really worth it, because let’s face it, no one’s hanging around for her friendship or her awesome personality, talking to a mud-puddle would be more interesting and deep than having a conversation with this moron, then seriously, there is no hope for your life. you don’t have to pretend and reply to me that you have real life friends and go out all the time, this is just telling you %%!@ing jackasses, to ask one of your friends that you know is outgoing to go out to a club with you. all of you goddamn nerds would finally realize that this !%@!#, besides being an STD-infested mine field, is worth absolutely nothing, not even your worthless filthy nerd times. anyone still defending this !%@!# that can go to bed tonight and say to himself “I did good protecting that girl’s honor, I shall now wipe the blood off my sword and sweat off my armor” Proceeding to probably clean his LARP-gear while doing that, is an absolute %%!@ing waste of life. if you have anything that even remotely resembles a life(remember grandpa, just because you’re 50 and realizing you’re not happy with your life but you can’t go out anymore cause you’d look like a %%!@ing clown, doesn’t maek e-loli worth it) you will not be posting her to protect her feelings, because let’s face it: if you had any clue what was possible if you attended your actual life more BESIDES saying “I go to skool/w0rk and then sprint home to get on wow lolZ” you wouldn’t %%!@ing be here, and you’d be enjoying this !%@!#

Second rant:

Now to *female game-name* herself: If you think these people are defending you out of friendship or whatever, really, what are you doing to yourself? do you REALLY believe it? I bet you burst into *%!!ing tears at times seeing what your life is. people who never see actual women flipping out about how hot you are being the greatest accomplishment you’ll ever achieve untill you seriously flip your life upside down, is that something you’re proud of? the fact that these thick-headed internet friends, you know who unlike the real life friends that you hang out with ‘all the time’ yet amazingly always blow you off on the last second, are always there for you, would probably not even be able to finish the University of Phoenix, or *%!! those are high standards, those %!!*@#@s probably couldn’t even finish anything more than a public high school on the lowest possible *%!!ing grades. Those are your friends *female game-name*. your friends you’ve never even met, and that just like you, you’ve only seen through self-provided pictures(which we realize by now, makes you look a lot better than you actually do) Can you live with that? is that where the suicide attempts come from? No, it’s more likely that you’re just as stupid, or as ‘uncomformist’ than your current boyfriend, and that you don’t even realize that these people are only interested in your tits(which really, aren’t all that interesting!)
And the highlights of your life? spending every night on wow, crying about your dad giving you a dominatrix uniform and going “put this on and ill make you famous” in an awesome, drunk pirate style(why the *%!! didn’t you abuse your %!*#@ish lifestyle back then, when you love it plentiful now) or was it cutting your wrists because “I DONT FEEL ANYTHING BUT THE PAIN, I NEED THE PAIN TO KNOW IM REAL!” or whatever bull*@%@ reason. if you actually tried to kill yourself and you cut yourself at those random *%!!ing spots, then yes, you’re really a no-good *%!!ing !*%!@ that will end up living in a trailer park with some fat redneck husband that will beat your face into the ground if you don’t make that goddamn inhuman piece of *@%@ a sandwhich and then sit in the kitchen where you *%!!ing belong, and practice not *@%@TING WHILE TAKING IT UP THE ASS EVERY NIGHT.
but rest easy, your prospects are great. at least you’ll have a ton of kids(probably through some form of incest, like with your father) and have a loving husband(the man appreciates a good sandwich, woman)
and you certainly won’t die alone, because all your children will be there to rob your corpse!

that, or you might become a fat !%!@@!#. you’re already halfway there!
http://bayimg.com/****

There’s a certain raw talent in his ranting. If this guy learns about paragraphs and punctuation, he could have a career as professional flamer.

That and $20 will get him a new World of Warcraft account to replace the one he lost with this post.

(Thanks, emailer Matt!)

Rogues: Sap duration against PvP targets has been reduced to 10 seconds.

NOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOooooooOOOOO!

Goddamit. Where did that Developer Who Loves Rogues More Than Life Itself go?? He on vacation? I see that the Developer Who Conceptualized Lightwell And Will Defend Its Value To The Death is still at work, but where’s my rogue guy?

Actually, looks like everyone’s PVP crowd control abilities were dropped to 10 seconds, which is fair, but juggling two PVP targets in the battlegrounds was one of the few joys in my World of Warcraft life. Well, that and killing warlock pets.

Do enough multiplayer online gaming, say ten minutes or more, and you’re bound to run into assholes. These five, although entertaining in their own way, really went above and beyond the behavior of a typical jackass.

Five 2006 Assholes to Remember — so we can keep a close watch on them — three from me, two from Raster:

1. The Priest who would be queen. Of drama, that is. I haven’t told this story yet because it only wrapped up this week. (Months in the making, however.)

This woman was a long-time guildmember of ours — married, with small children, and a decent priest, truth be told. Over the past year, she’d been linked romantically with a few guildmembers — a couple several years her junior, and a couple around her age. (Not judging, just saying, how young before I step in and remind her that this might be approaching ILLEGAL? It was getting close to that point with a few of them.) At least one of these kids guys left the guild because she dumped him; the others just moped around as she frolicked with the new love interest. So far, not really any of my business … except for the possible legal ramifications of guild complicity.

Meanwhile, she’s denying a few priest applicants here and there, mostly for no reason at all. We’d ask the other priests, “what do you think?”, they’re all fine with the app’s she hated. But, what can ya do? Guildmember hates a new guy, that’s too bad for the new guy. I prefer the evil I know to the evil I don’t yet know.

Oh ya, did I mention she was an officer? Ummm yaaaa. That was another problem.

One week this summer she told the guild that she was sleeping with one of our mages who lived in a neighboring state. I didn’t really need quite that level of detail, “we’re in love”, “we’re a couple”, either of those would have been suitable, but there was no misunderstanding after her description of his particulars. They continued making the beast with two backs for about a month and then she announced that she had left her husband over the weekend, moved into an apartment and the happy couple would be living together soon, in paradise, as she sought a divorce.

Fucking great, cuz I knew that was doomed to fail. Eventually Mr. Mage is going to wake up and realize he signed on for a whole lot more than paradise and then there’s going to be trouble.

Another few weeks passed and she announced that she was stepping down from officership, and so was Mr. Mage. (Did I forget to mention that he was an officer too? Oops.) They were far too happy spending time together to retain their officer positions, or to raid or play Warcraft anymore.

No problem, our guildleader demoted her down to member and demoted her offline boyfriend to member also. We wished them well.

The next night, Mr. Mage logged on and All Emo broke loose when he saw he wasn’t an officer anymore. “YTF did we demote him???” “What were we thinking??” He was seriously ticked.

This was us: What. In. The. Fuck?

Someone explained that his girlfriend had told us they weren’t going to play anymore and please demote them. “WTF, she doesn’t speak for (him)!”

Ya, we should have known that. Somehow. I guess. All I knew was, there’s trouble in paradise. Maybe Mr. Mage had woken up and smelled the peanut butter on the Lil Tykes toys, I dunno.

Then this week, which is a month-ish since the “demotion incident”, she left the guild, after saying her goodbyes to a select few. She didn’t say goodbye to me, cuz I never respected their love or some shit, I forget the exact second-hand explanation. Whatever.

Someone asked Loverboy what was up with that and turns out, they had broken up that week (shocking!) and the guild wasn’t big enough for the two of them (equally shocking!)

FOR ONCE, we got the best part of a deal! Hallelujah, it’s gonna be a good week.

Hey, maybe she can sell her priest like she did her other character that we equipped in Tier 2 armor. Oops, did I forget to mention that too? (Foton)

2. Emo Tank #2 of 3. (Story: The Emo Tanks 1, 2 and 3) Our second Emo Tank tortured me for many, many, months. His whining was unrivaled (until the 3rd Emo Tank appeared), his excuses legendary, and his connection was the worst I’ve seen. Twenty or more crashes per Blackwing Lair was a good day, and I was bombarded with a minimum of 1-2 hours worth of tells somehow related to him. “Sorry Boss” was uttered about 40 times per raid night for his multitude of screw ups and it quickly turned into a guildwide joke. He was also one of the biggest loot whores in the history of gaming (only his girlfriend, also a guildmate, was worse). He’d harass other warriors until they would pass on things just to shut him up, always felt entitled to everything because he ran a couple of 20-man raids, and would roll on every single item to drop that wasn’t DKP-based whether he needed it or not. While reading the stories may be entertaining, it was truly hell at times for those of us who lived through it. I never want to forget that solely for the reason that I do not let it happen again. (Raster)

3. The Battleground Leader who couldn’t read a map to save his life. (Here’s the story!) Basically, the guy kept shouting at me to stop camping Honor Kills in the middle of the map. 1. I wasn’t camping HKs and 2. I wasn’t in the middle of the map. It’s not that it’s unusual to find an arguing dude in a Warcraft PVP battleground, it’s that he was so damn stupid, I made sure to get a screenshot of him so I would never forget. As I hoped, I did run into him in later battlegrounds, principally Alterac Valley. Believe me, I was excited the first few times. Oh to get a chance to stand next to him stealthed and /smile when a roving band of horde would challenge his flag position! Sadly, I never got that opportunity cuz the fucker was ALWAYS AFK up in the entrance cave. Well damn. We could have had a very special PVP relationship if he would just poke his head out of the cave every once in a while. (Foton)

4. The former guildmate who couldn’t move on until we shoved her out the door. (Story: Razing BabbleOn) Currently reigning as the biggest twat I have ever met in WoW. She has the insatiable need to be at the center of all things drama. When there was not enough floating about, she would simply create her own. She was also incapable of remaining quiet for more than 3 seconds and I was her second favorite /whisper target. Thankfully, most of the problem was removed when (I suspect) her husband caught her unable to keep her cyber legs shut, as they were out of the guild five minutes later. Now all I need is a bus to finish off the job. (Raster)

5. The guildbank thief. (Story: Part I and Part II) Briefly, this rogue had applied to our guild, we had passed on his application because of his shady history, he formed his own guild then walked away from our server with their guildbank. Other than being a dick, his theft didn’t affect us in any way, but here’s why I want to remember him forever: the moron keeps applying to our guild with different characters. He’s not very smart about it either (so far) — he’ll use a character whose Warcraft forum signature includes his other characters or he’ll TELL someone in our guild who he really is. Three times now, he’s app’d since the bank theft — WTF man, how many times do we have to say denied?? (Foton)

Friday, the finale: My Favorite Stories of 2006.

Evil things I like to do in World of Warcraft’s PVP Battlegrounds:

1. Kill warlock pets. This has become such an addiction for me, I’ll cheapshot, blind, sap (the miscellaneous stuns available in the rogue bag of tricks) the warlock, and let him stew for a bit while I kill the pet. That’s right, I’ll leave a loose warlock out there just so I can nail the pet. This isn’t even a tactical decision, this is me being a dick. (Thanks to Raster for introducing me to this mini-game within the PVP game.)

2. Turn on auto attack while a caster is backing up in my direction. Caster, meet the buzzsaw. Most of the time, I do this for my own amusement rather than out of necessity because, say, stealth or vanish aren’t available.

3. Allow the 5-combo pointed priest/mage to think he dodged a bullet. The priest or mage does his/her thing, I do mine — 5 combo points worth of mine. The mage iceblocks, the priest psychic screams (their AE fear), whathaveyou. I restealth or vanish, they back away, alt-tabbing wildly, looking for me. (When I have 5-combo points, caster, you don’t back away, you run away.) Tada! Surprise! See ya next fall.

4. I’m a bow-spec rogue … honest. I love the frost nova + blink combo that mages do. One of the few chances I get to haul out ye olde bow in PVP. I COULD vanish out of the frost nova (it’s a mage root), but it’s more sporting to bow them down.

5. Guard Alterac Valley’s Snowfall graveyard. Not really, who gives a shit about Snowfall once the Alliance has Iceblood or beyond? Not me. But sometimes there’s a shouting dude in the AV raid that calls everyone tards (or in their venacular, “retarts”) and shouts out instructions as if no one in the raid has ever won an Alterac Valley before. If we’re losing or falling behind, it’s never THEIR fault, it’s always the rest of us because they’re the smartest human on the planet. In our raid! The smartest! Talk about lucky.

Anyways, they’ll shout their Captain Obvious instructions and I’ll remind them (several times if necessary) /bg I’m on defense at Snowfall. Eventually, they take the bait and call me an idiot in the raid channel. “ABANDON SNOWFALL U TART! GET DOWN TO FROSTWOLF!” Did I say Snowfall? I meant the Relief Hut.

Imagining the bulging vein in their forehead gives me a great deal of pleasure.

Similar dickweed stuff I do to the shouting dudes in Warsong Gulch: /bg Hiding the flag in Horde base cuz they’ll never look for it here!

1. Podcasts. What the fuck. I can’t think of anything less desirable to have on my iPod than a podcast, no matter the subject. I’d rather listen to Hall & Oates Greatest Hits than some guy talking about how he killed a raptor last night in MMOG_08, plus he really likes Pulp Fiction.

2. My guild’s rogues. DKP-hoarding bastards, spend some of that DKP on the rotting rogue endgame armor instead of saving up for some Weapon of the Gods that drops .0001 percent of the time, according to Thottbot, which means it NEVER DROPS.

3. Any of my guildmates’ main characters that random on Ahn’Qiraj 20 or Zul Gurub equipment, icing out somebody else’s alt that isn’t allowed into Blackwing Lair. Jeezus, check the stats. It’s CRAP.

4. World of Warcraft name changes. Unless it’s some moronic name, knock off the name changes. Players are asking for name changes to ESCAPE their poor reputations and history (duh?) and Blizzard is HELPING THEM. Gold farmers, douchebags, ninjas, the cancer operation fakers are all getting name changes which makes it difficult to vote “HELL NO” when they re-app to our guild for the 6th time.

5. Voicechat Censors. Ya, I get that you don’t want your schoolage children hearing “F this”, “F that” and “F those c’suckers” blasting from your computer’s surround sound speakers. I don’t want them to hear that either. Headphones? Ever hear of those? Extra bonus points for everyone: no more annoying-ass echo on your end of the voicechat. It’s an adult guild in an adult game using adult exclamations; I can’t play Ventrilo policeman because you’re too damn cheap to buy headphones.

6. That bitchass Warcraft priest we finally forced out of the guild. She (and it was a she, hi Ventrilo) was only in the guild two weeks, but in that short period of time, she managed to stir up no less than 20 arguments OVER NOTHING, at least one per day. Example: on about her third day in the guild, she was upset that someone had jokingly asked for a recount on her husband’s guild app. Yawn? Example 2: she was upset that another guildmate had offered to buy the AQ20 spell upgrade she had won. “Is this how the guild operates?? Trying to buy spells off a guildmate that WON IT FAIR AND SQUARE??” Err, so? Maybe he offered because he noticed that you didn’t memorize (i.e. use) the spell right away, you stupid twat, which by the way, is DEFINITELY a guild violation. P.S. Enjoy the name change. (F’ing Blizzard)

7. The DKP Haters. WTF, how can you hate math? You show up, you eventually get loot, it’s that simple. DKP is merely a tool to keep track of who’s in line and their position in the line. My experience, the only players that hate DKP are those players that rarely show up for raids and want the Gods of /Random to save them from their shit-ass equipment. Please do not think I am fooled by your rant about how corrupt DKP systems are — math is not corrupt.

Also not fooling me: the “I want, I want, I want, but loot isn’t important to me” people, the DKP Cashouts (enjoy your new guild, and btw, you’ll be leaving sooner than you think with a rather large DKP balance), and the “I have all day to PvP and I have all I want from Molten Core, but I don’t have time to help clear MC anymore” people.

8. Oh ya, I also hate Molten Core. But I still show up to help clear.

Triock outlines the finer points of the little-known Herpalism harvest skill, “I am so tired of /cry cause of no gold for mount or item this and that! I am always enough gold and here is the key: Herpalism! I am giving these ideas here FREE so I don’t have to explain it all the time because I explain it a hundred times and nobody understands! … ” Spoof Alert: this is Triock’s (level 4 orc) only post. (Thanks, emailer Elbows.) (Furled archive.)

Imfugly details why PvP rogues need to be nerfed, “O.k. am I patient of rogues. Each fight, which I have with results rogue being in me, stunlocked for 75% of the fight …” Spoof Alert: Imfugly, level 1 gnome, has a small post history built up; some in character, a few that are intelligible. (Furled archive.)

It’s like Cubism with the English Language; I recognize English words, but hell if I know what I’m looking at.

From Allakhazam’s front page, posted last Friday (10/7/05):

This only applies to you if you are running an older version of Internet Explorer, have not updated windows with the latest security patches and do not have virus protection on your computer. Apparantly one of our ad providers was affected by a trojan and was serving it to our site for several days last weekend. This is a keylogger and could possibly compromise your game login and password. As soon as we discovered it, we pulled all of their ads.

To see if you got the trojan, go to Program Files/Internet Explorer in your directory and look for a file named “syssmss.exe”. If it is there, then open your task manager and delete the file. Also go to %WIN_DIR%\Downloaded Program Files and delete a file named either “fucksnow.exe” or “muma.exe”. Then once you have done that, log into the game and change your password. In fact, change every password for every place you have typed since you got the trojan.

There are also several online sites that scan your computer for free.

http://www.windowsecurity.com/trojanscan/
http://housecall.trendmicro.com/

We apologize for this. In 6 years of running this site, nothing like this has ever happened. It kills me to think that we may have, even inadvertantly, caused anyone to have their account compromised. We’re all about making the games better and more fun. Believe me, we will do everything in our power to make sure it does not happen again.

Along with the advertiser who sent this, and in cooperation with the FBI, we are attempting to track down the people who sent this. I hope I get a few minutes in a back room with the bastards.

– Allakhazam

The news finally made it’s way to the Warcraft General stickied posts (the last paragraph is the update) over the weekend, otherwise I would have had a good laugh last Friday. Not that Blizzard or the stricken players have any blame here, but infuckingcredible.

And what the hell are people thinking by going to Allakhazam’s anyhow??? That place is a sty. Plus, the name is hard to spell. And, there’s at least 2,098 better places to get Warcraft info than that pit.

With all the forum and ingame warnings about “make sure you use a good password, don’t share your password, don’t use third party mods with executables, don’t drive on the railroad tracks”, my guild had all but given up on the Damage Meters mod, which, for the non-WoWzers, displays each players’ damage, tanking, and healing stats. I was the only guildmate still running the thing, which, apparently, uses an executable. Whatever, I didn’t and don’t care.

Maybe things can get back to normal now so I don’t have to spam raid chat after every damn boss kill for the benefit of the rogue egos.

In between spamage reports, if a rogue asks how he’s doing for damage, I like to tell him (her) that he’s dropped down a few positions. This pretty much ensures that he (she) will go balls out on the next few pulls to pump the stats. I guess we all know what that means.

Dead rogue.

If you can roleplay that you’re a fruity elf druid on some middle-earth-esque fantasy continent, you can certainly roleplay a pirate at work today.

The day’s first plunder … the lunchroom fridge. Anything with someone’s name on it that looks like it was brought in to work today is fair game. Express surprise and indignation if you’re accosted. Has always worked for me.

If you need some help getting into character, here’s some reblogs:

Talk Like a Pirate Day
Rip Roarin Pirate Tales
Clever Product Placement

I’ve often thought we need more pirates and skullduggery in online games, although there’s space piracy in Eve Online and, of course, almost every game has a rogue class which is sorta pirate-y.

Not even once did I think we needed Pirates of the Carribean Online, however.

Sometimes, I lack vision.