Seven Things I Have Tried Unsuccessfully to Ban from My Guild

In no particular order:

1. Retard. (also, tard) Although, I do enjoy the variants of the “tard” theme (tardtastic, tardriffic, tardiness, et al), the plain vanilla insults (e.g. that guild is retarded) are so void of imagination that they are, at their very core, retarded.

2. Lawlz. (either spoken on Vent or typed out thusly) Lawlz had a brief moment as a sarcastic, pity laugh. That moment is over.

3. T.T ;; QQ (weeping smileys) These have infected our guild chat like a pandemic. “I only have 4 Tier 2 T.T” “I lost the random! ;.;” Guess what. I want to /gkick you, T.T.

4. More doooots! Also, 50 DKP Minus! (y’know, spoken in a Pakistani-esque accent during a long boss fight ala the Onyxia guy UPDATE: dead link, refer to the YTMND page instead.) I realize it’s too much to ask that people not shout “More Doooots!” during Onyxia, but every. single. raid. boss. is. too. much.

5. Piccolo of the Flaming Fire. (AE on friendly players: dance) I don’t necessarily HATE this thing at every raid — it’s more like a “FFS, here’s that damn flute again” kind of thing.

6. ZOMG (spoken: “zoh my gawd” usually as if one were a foolish schoolgirl) Just stop. Please. Just stop.

7. Posting on the World of Warcraft realm forums. We’ve had a few “PR issues” as of late — customary for any MMOG guild of some size. The high profilers have “PR disasters”; we have “PR issues”. Enough of us have played other games and know the best approach is public silence and /tells with the injured party because nothing was ever solved via public message boards — no minds have ever been changed by a carefully worded official guild response.

Nonetheless … no matter how often we warn our more vocal members to SHUT UP, no matter how stiff the penalties for responding to trolls, no matter how tight we cinch the muzzles, they cannot stay out of the fray.

Like moths to a flame.

Another Stalking Tool

GuildMates is a (newish) service to register your game characters from multiple virtual worlds. The site includes a browse and search function, friends list, avatars and is free. Keeping in touch with game “friends” is a nice ideal, but I’m more of a “keep your enemies closer” kind of guy. Sadly, none of the asshats on my List are registered. But I’ll be watching. (Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that little J-boots incident on Tarew Marr, Billy Bob Necromancer!)

Loot and Luck

A short while ago, World of Warcraft began their Guild Relations program, an invitation-only guild think tank. We had told one of our officers to check into app’ing, aka auditioning, for this — he probably didn’t — no matter, doesn’t seem like a lot of benefit to participating. However, there is one good thing that has sprung from this program: The Guild Relations forum, which is just about the only forum with thoughtful game discussions. Inside the 234,678th thread about the evils of DKP, I found this study of DKP loot distribution versus /random loot distribution in a (hypothetical?) raiding guild of 150 members. If you look at the “Lady Luck is a Bitch” /random chart, the one hypothetical member attended almost 50 raids before scoring some loot. This is how I know the /random chart is simulated: that guy would have quit after the tenth raid or so.