Ya know how every once in a while you’ll get this hinkey feeling about someone — like there’s something not quite right or maybe the words out of his/her mouth resemble the truth, but not exactly? Maybe you’ll talk yourself out of the hinkey feeling — what do you know, you’re just being paranoid, maybe should up that dosage for a few days.

That hinkey is thousands of years of human evolution springing up to defend your vulnerable ass and you ought to pay attention. This is another example of a valuable life lesson I’ve learned in multiplayer online gaming. (What an enlightening hobby this has been.)

We had this level 60 rogue apply to our guild a few months back — he’d been on our server forever, he was friends with quite a few guildmembers, and he had reasonable equipment and resist gear. Since he could string together enough English to complete our rigorous guild application, he was considered solid. And yet … there was something not quite right about the guy.

He’d been around the block a few times … the block being The Endgame Guilds … and my opinion on that is this: if you can’t get along with anyone, you can’t get along with us, either. My favorite guild applicant is a guy who’s been in one, maybe two, endgame guilds, not five or six. Five or six says you don’t know how to deal with the arguments, the frustration or the WORK required of a raider.

A few of the officers had a similar hinkey about the guy and we passed on his app.

He eventually started his own guild and I noticed immediately that he was guilding some of the server’s Unguildables. The Unguildables, for those not in the know, are those players kinda like him: they’ve been in several many raiding guilds and there’s been “problems” … loot disputes, high-scale dramatics, hacking rumors, maybe it’s as simple as they PVP’d too much when they should have been raiding. I couldn’t even list all the ways that one becomes an Unguildable. Just know that once you’re labeled as such, it’s time to roll a new character and a new personality if you want to join a raiding guild again.

Now, remember a few weeks ago I told you the story of our own guild rogue that left after posting that he had sold his rogue account and thanks for the memories and the next day the new driver would be taking over? (Here’s the link.) I also told you that he landed in a Guild for the Unguildables after I torched his application to a rival endgame guild. This is the very same Unguildables guild he joined.

Anyways, the Unguildables go about their business, recruiting fresh-to-raiding, don’t-know-any-better level 60s and other Unguildables and began their ascent through Le Molten Core, the first of the 40-man raiding zones with the primo raiding gear. They had some trouble fielding a full raid so the one weekend they asked a few of our people to help out with MC. They didn’t ask me, and I’ll assume because they knew what the answer would be. In any case, they tricked three of our people into helping them out.

Shit, meet fan. Fan, here’s shit. Our guildleader catches wind of this the next day and confronts each of the three in turn, because y’see, at the time we were still doing MC clears to get to Ragnaros. If they burn up their weekly MC raid ID helping some other guild, they can’t do their weekly Ragnaros duty for us. Two of the three were longtimers and they got a warning; the other guy was new and had, unfortunately for him, aligned himself with the two jagbags that had tried and failed to pull off a guild coup a few weeks prior. (Here’s the link for that guild drama.) He was guildremoved.

I know it’s hard to keep track of all the actors involved without a playbill, but one thing you should have noticed: isn’t this all too many coincidences to swallow? One coincidence I can take, but when there’s two or more, then those thousands of years of evolution spring up to defend my vulnerable ass.

Word got around that the new guy got guildkicked and suddenly, the guildmembers are chatty. “Did I know that NewGuy had an alt in the Unguildables guild that was an officer?” No, I didn’t fucking know that or we would have kicked him out sooner. Duh. “Why can’t someone be in two raiding guilds?”

Why? I’ll tell you why. Because you cannot serve two masters. Your dog can’t do it and you can’t either, that’s why.

Imagine blank stares.

Ok, put it this way: we raid four days a week, they raid four days a week. There are only 7 days in a week. Get it now?

Good news, he was removed before he could do any real damage. (Thanks Evolution!) Bad news, this wasn’t the end of it.

Tomorrow: The End of It. Maybe. I’m pretty sure it’s the end of it.

Previously … a pair of guild jackasses fail to seize lasting political power and leave the guild. Their applications to a new guild contain some harsh shit-talking, prompting a rather canine-like response in our more submissive members — namely, asslicking. I use the absurdity of the shit-talk for new comedy material in guildchat and Ventrilo, for which I am labeled an ungrateful prick … and worse. Ok, ya, guilty, however, in my defense, what I left unsaid was … power-hungry, self-serving loot whores and good riddance. Although I am saying that here and now.

(If you’re just joining the story, don’t spoil the ending for yourself: Read Part I and Part II first.)

We scheduled Ahn’Qiraj 20 for the first off-raid night of the week purposely. The guild alts and recruits needed some of the upgraded books/spells in the zone and also, there’s nothing quite like free loot to shut people up when guildchat has become a bitchfest. To prove we were serious about shutting people up with free loot, the head raidleader volunteered to run the shindig, which is usually beneath him, but this was all about restoring the guild to order.

As I recall, the hunters and priests made out like bandits, and you know me, anytime I can please the raid priests, I’m all for it. (“Here’s some free loot, please don’t burn out.”) We had just swept through four of the bosses, including the big boy of the zone, and were clearing back to finish a couple of crap bosses when the raid paused momentarily while the head raidleader (aka Puppet #1) stopped to deal with guild shit.

You can always tell when an officer or raidleader is getting tell-bombed with guild shit — they’ll pause mid-sentence, stand right in the path of patrols and become unresponsive to text chat.

We cleared the patrols and waited. This is what we heard the raidleader say on Vent: Oh I don’t fucking believe this. This is what we saw the raidleader type in guildchat: You know what you did. This is what we saw next: Warrior28 has been removed from the guild. This is what I said on Ventrilo: Heh, what was that all about?

Here’s the deal. Raidleader got a tip that Warrior28 had applied to the same guild as the two jackasses who ripped our guild a new asshole. (“Oh I don’t fucking believe this.”) Raidleader alt-tabbed out to check that guild’s forums and confirmed that Warrior28 had indeed applied over there, and for extra fun, had listed the two jackasses as references. (Some guilds have an application that is eerily similar to a job application, which is really stupid in my opinion, but that’s material for another day.) Raidleader informed Warrior28 that he was about to get a boot to the curb. Warrior28, at that moment sitting outside THEIR raid zone with OUR guild tag, expressed surprise and asked why. (“You know what you did.”) Raidleader explained in a tell that Warrior28 had been busted. (“Warrior28 has been removed from the guild.”) And that’s what that was all about.

Raidleader had had about enough of the whole mess at this point and just unloaded in Vent … kinda like “f this, f’ing f’ers, f’ing do everything, f’ing never enough, f’ing loot whores, f’ing f that, if you f’ing think f’ing us is f’ing ok, then go f elsewhere, f’ing dirty *word I can’t even abbreviate on a family blog*, you get the idea. It was really quite spectacular. A few of us joined in, the asslickers did some licking, but eventually everyone calmed down and the raid went forward. Warrior28 had terrible attendance and was hugely negative DKP, so in the grand scheme of things, wasn’t a big deal in and of itself.

After a few minutes, we noticed that one of the rogues had gone linkdead. Hmm, thought we, could that be one of those on-purpose linkdeads? He never returned, we replaced him for the last fight and the night ended without further incident.

The next morning, I logged on early, 6:00 am-ish, to check raid supplies and equipment for that night’s raid. The lone guildmate online at the time told me that Linkdead-Rogue had just logged on a few minutes prior and had removed himself from the guild, along with all of his alt characters. There’s that damn 5:00 am guildremoval shit again. (why?? why??) I speculated to my guildmate that maybe Linkdead-Rogue was one of the asslickers and couldn’t stand that some of us refused to lick ass. Who knows.

I logged and sat to camp the guild message boards for a few minutes before work to see if this latest drama would begin. It did. Linkdead-Rogue posted that he left the guild because he sold his account and, as of that day, was turning over control to the new account owner. He added that it wouldn’t be fair to us to leave his characters in the guild when he wasn’t the owner anymore. Gee … ya think? Of course, that’s the least of the fairness issues involved, but whatever. Fucker had just gone on a DKP spending spree the week before too.

Immediately, some of us doubted his story. The timing, it was too coincidental. And no one admits to selling their account, ESPECIALLY to their guildmates. Selling one’s account is the biggest shame move of all — people don’t admit to that.

We arrived at raid time, with the usual flurry of raid prep: the invites, the waitlist, the flying, the summoning, the zoning, the buffing, the standing around waiting for that one asshole to /afk out of the PVP battleground, etc.

One of our mages announced in Vent that Linkdead-Rogue has just applied to the same guild as the two jackasses. (The mage had learned to watch rival guilds’ application forums from me. Aww, I’m so proud of him. He’ll make a fine game hag yet.) We alt-tabbed out to go read his application. One of our slower guildmates asked, “so then he didn’t sell his account?” Gee … ya think?

After some bitching and some mockery, the raid commenced … the bosses died, the loot flowed … the raid ended. If memory serves, and this was just two days ago, it was about halfway through the raid when I hatched my plan to deal with Linkdead-Rogue.

I know that we were ordered not to publically comment or take action on all the shit this week, but what can I say? I’m disobedient. I’m also a master at guerilla gaming tactics. I am the fucking guerilla master, have no doubt.

The next day, at the gaming witching hour (which we now know is between 5:00 and 6:00 am), I created a new persona. Let’s say I named him Koop, but I didn’t so don’t try googling that and thinking you found me. I gave Koop a fresh gmail account and registered a Koop account on the rival guild’s message boards. Koop made a screenshot of our own message boards, specifically the post where Linkdead-Rogue made his fond IGE/ebay/Player Auctions farewell. Koop carefully cropped out any identifying information of who screenshot the post (fucking. guerilla. master.) and uploaded same to one of those free image upload sites. Then, Koop posted the screenshot link on the rival guild’s forums as a reply to Linkdead-Rogue’s app and added some pithy commentary because I wanted to make the read worthwhile, but I kept it subtle and somewhat light-hearted. Y’know, just an FYI kind of thing, we’re all friends here.

The trap detonated within the hour and BOOM, just like that, Linkdead-Rogue’s application was killed. Oh sure, Linkdead-Rogue tried to explain himself, he even tried to drag the two jackasses into it with him, claiming they could vouch for him (I enjoyed that part immensely), but really, what could he say? He’d been caught, in either a lie or as a sold account, neither of which is any good. (Hint: His only option now is to server transfer. Au Revoir, asshole. Have a nice life.)

That night, a few of the guildmates had noticed that “Koop” had effectively killed Linkdead-Rogue’s app and asked in guild if anyone knew who Koop was. Fucker was obviously a guildmate, he had screenshots from the members-only boards, fercrissakes.

Raidleader (aka Puppet #1) sent me a tell, “heh”. He knew. He knows I’m the fucking guerilla master and he knows what I’m capable of. And now you do too.

So. That’s how my week went. And yours?

Previously, on the guild drama stage — a drama subplot, in which I’m on the periph, requires some cleanup work, allowing a previously undetected guild insurgent cell to grab some political (read: loot) power. The insurgents are thanked for their time, they smile one of those crocodile smiles and mouth words like, “sure, anything for the guild”, and order is restored, albeit temporarily.

We would have allowed the insurgents to continue running the show for a time, but big problem: they were screwing up all over the place. Raid zones that were previously very much on farm status gave us headaches and only God knows where some of the 20-man loot went … other than the obvious … into their alt characters’ pockets, so to speak.

All of this came to a head one night in Blackwing Lair. We were fresh off a TERRIBLE Ahn’Qiraj 40 run that can only be described with two words: cluster and fuck. The insurgents had “refined” (their word) our boss strats to the point that they were unrecognizable, and each one had to be discussed ad nauseum like it was our first time. Why? WHY, you ask?? I couldn’t figure it out, other than maybe we were tired of winning. Or, just as likely, the fucks couldn’t remember the prior strats because they were just phoning in the raids.

Heh, that’s a pun, because some of them are on dialup. What professionals.

Anyways, Blackwing Lair. Razorgore. (Warcraft noobs: this is the opening battle of Blackwing Lair. Nothing gets done until you get past Razor. And, I do mean nothing as he’s right at the entrance.) Again, they had a new plan to replace an age-old guild strat. Which failed. And failed. And failed. After that much fuckiness, we should have deleted our characters in shame.

The guildleader (Puppet #2) and head raidleader (Puppet #1) pulled the plug on the “Razorgore Incident”, thanked the insurgents for their time (nicely, but in no uncertain terms), and delayed the BWL clear for a couple of days — THIS TIME, with the proper personnel at the lead, we hoped. Guild life moved on.

Changing directions a bit … have you noticed that the most popular time to remove one’s characters from a guild is approximately 5 o’clock in the morning? Y’know, when no one else is online? I’ll assume this is so a big speech isn’t necessary, thereby avoiding any pesky followup questions. This has become so popular that I’m almost tempted to log on at 5:00 am and watch the changing guild tags in Ironforge.

6:00 am of a new week … birds are singing, the sun is shining, and word spreads on the guild message boards that the two head insurgents have left the guild. “Good” thinks me. Have a nice life. Away from me. Although my official response was something like, “People move on. Ain’t no big deal.” I might have added something like “good luck to them”, but that seems like a stretch for me. At any rate, I didn’t have a problem with it. Until I saw their guild applications.

Old EverQuest trick: always follow rival guilds’ application forums. Depending on your guild’s policy, you’re either going to kick out any guildies app’ing elsewhere or, at the very least, you’ll keep an eye on them. It’s just like business — employees seeking employment elsewhere need to be dealt with. Lame ducks are prone to wreaking havoc.

To be fair, the insurgents app’d to the rival guild after they guildremoved from us. That’s proper protocol and we’re all fine with that. Ripping our guild a new asshole in their apps, however, would not be considered proper protocol. Both apps read almost the same: we suck, we can’t kill jack or shit, we’re downsizing, we’re going backwards, we are falling apart, they practically HAD to leave our guild to save their characters from certain annihilation.

Ok, now I have a big problem with them. I’ll allow that us sucking could be a point of argument, but the other allegations are completely false: not downsizing, not going backwards, not falling apart, we killed jack, we killed shit. We had the “Razorgore Incident”, which was troubling, but I will add IT WAS BECAUSE OF THOSE TWO running the show. Hey. I didn’t see that little tidbit in their apps.

Returning to calm, as we’re a class guild, the guildmates are ordered not to respond on the rival guild’s forums, we’re forbidden from discussing this on the Warcraft realm forums and from sending the two fucktards tells. Privately, it’s another matter entirely, we can all speak plainly.

The guild immediately divides into two camps: the insurgent asslickers and those that have a problem with two jackasses trashing us to another guild. This might seem odd to you that there were guildmates who would lick their asses. It was odd to me as well. Seems like this sort of thing should unite a guild, rather than divide it.

Just so you understand, here’s some sample asslicking: “They did so much for the guild. Their apps don’t sound that terrible to me. I can’t believe you guys are so mean to them.” The asslicking continued on Vent when they’d ask us to stop making fun because of hurt feelings. (Fuck? I care? No, I do not. But I did cut down on the mockery, for the sake of tranquility.)

The only thing I could ever figure out was that because our guild is a class guild, the officers had shielded the members from the shenanigans, so much so that all they ever saw were the crocodile smiles and the nice “anything for the guild” words. Because, that’s exactly how the opposing camps lined up: officers, raid leaders, senior members on the one side; regular, newer members, and recruits on the other.

That’s another reason why I hate people: Some are so blind that they’ll lick asses, then call me out for not doing the same.

Nonetheless, we all agreed to disagree. I’m still not sure why some think trashing a former guild to boost one’s own appearance is acceptable, but I decided to let it go and considered that topic, much like religion and politics, off limits. I would find other comedic material to entertain the Ventrilo audience.

No one felt much like flying/swimming/running all the way to Onyxia’s Lair and we had a few newer folks that needed their upgraded books/spells from ye olde Ahn’Qiraj 20 … enter this week’s first 20-man run on the off-raid day. And queue the drama waiting in the wings.

Tomorrow … the conclusion, I think, because the week isn’t over yet.