Two weird dudes I ran into on my latest hiding-from-the-guild alt: So there I was in Westfall, working on the Lighthouse quests for the 33rd time, when I ran into weird dude #1, a level 19 mage, also working on the same quests. He saw me, a mid-teens tank, pondering the high-teens murlocs and asked if I wanted to join for the “kill murlocs up and down the coast” adventure. Thought me, fuck pride, better to finish this sooner rather than later.

We commenced to a’killing and very early on, I noticed he had a peculiar habit of shouting out random words, like “scuba!” or “engine!” or “pencil!”. The first few times, I’d “huh?” but after his explanation that he was a terrible typer (“billboard!”), I pretended not to notice and got the hell out of there as soon as the quest was completed. Could be that he’s roleplaying a gnome mage afflicted with Tourette’s syndrome or a drunk — in either case, sayonara and please don’t add me to your friends list.

I moved on to the Lakeshire quests. I’m killing pigs. Again. This night elf hunter runs up behind me, opens a trade window and drops in a wrapped present. He stands there, silent, trade window open. I close out the window, cancelling the trade, HOPING this was somehow a mistake and he’ll move away from me.

I kill pigs. He runs up and, again, opens the trade window with the wrapped present. I accept the trade, open the gift and inside is a picture of his penis. HAHA, no it wasn’t. How would he do that in a game, noob? Inside was a level 13 piece of armor. I was level 16-ish with some tricked-out tank gear (I take care of my alts), how am I to greet level 13 armor? I was tempted to disenchant it right then and there, but I took the high road and thanked him. Plenty of time to disenchant that later.

I kill pigs. Now he finds his tongue and /tells me “now you give me a present”. (How bout I give you a gold and you get the fuck away from me forever? I’m not above paying people off to go away, in this life or the real life.) I told him that I didn’t have paper, which was true, but he was prepared for that! He opens a trade with some wrapping paper. Just great, not only do I meet every whack job on this server, they’re like Boy Scouts with preparedness.

As God is my witness, the only crap I had in my bags were stackable items (which can’t be wrapped), soulbound items (not tradeable), and one level 13 piece of armor that was waiting to be disenchanted. I explain that I’m fresh out of presents, bye! and I flee down the road. If I could have sprinted, I would have. I peek around the hills to see if I was followed … coast is clear … I kill pigs.

I’m skinning a pig when a trade window pops up, with a craptastic wand, and my gay would-be suitor smiling beside it.

Now we were well into a weird area here. I could have hoped that a wrapped wand would end this sick brand of stalking, but I was guessing that would only be the beginning. Next it’s friends lists, then it’s group with me!, finally it’s “let’s put on a show for Ironforge and dance in our underwear!!” I can see the future and it involves deletion of this level 16-ish tank and a therapist’s couch.

Suddenly, an idea pops into my head — to repel a whack job, one must become like them. Get into their pelt and crawl around for a bit.

I /tell him “scuba!” and strafe away. He /reply “??” (Heh, confused are we?) “magazine!” He repeated that it was my turn to give him a present. “engine!”

He tries to escape to Lakeshire with a “bye now”, but I must have the last word. “furniture!”

I kill pigs.