Sony is just so damn fucking EVIL, someone has to joust their windmill. Fortunately, I have better eyesight than Don Quixote.

Today, Sony patched Publish 10 – The Path of the Jedi in Star Wars Galaxies, the long awaited revamp of the Jedi unlock system. After reading through the corporate PR post of why this is good for all of us!, I’ve decided a more accurate title would have been “The Path of the Skullfuck”, subtitle: We’ve Been Skullfucking You for Months, What’s One More?

(Disclaimer: I have no desire or intent – and never have – to grind through professions, levels or quests to obtain a jedi character. If one was handed to me or if I could pay a few REAL LIFE bucks to get one, then wtf, give me a jedi. Otherwise, shove it up your ass sideways.)

Many players don’t feel this way and rabidly want a jedi character. That shouldn’t surprise anyone … apparently that was news to the original SWG dev team, however.

History lesson for SWG noobs … the original system to obtain a jedi character was completely unknown — no clues, no official word, nothing. SOE tells the playerbase to just enjoy the game, jedi will come to you during ordinary play, even for the casual player.

Later, we all learned this wasn’t quite true. Jedi was coded to trigger after mastering five professions (out of a total 32 possible professions). Months pass, and still no jedi. What … a … shock, no player happened to randomly hit on the required five, and honestly, why in the world would anyone? Did they think the attention-deficit crowd would make a good showing in opening up the jedi characters?

The player grumbling gets louder, so Sony introduces “holocrons”, these little glowing cubes that tell the player what profession he/she/it needs to master. Besides the problem that these holocrons only drop off of high-level mobs so non-combat players have no chance in fucking hell of ever seeing one, the holocrons will only tell the player four of the five needed professions; you have to guess the last one. (Sheer evil genius)

Jedi start popping out of the proverbial woodwork. Sony then (as we found out today although had long suspected) secretly recodes the system so that eight professions are required, four of which are not foretold by the holocrons. The odds are freaking astronomically against you that you could accurately guess the eight professions without error. I doubt there was even one person that did; I never heard of anyone that ever did — not even a rumor of a rumor of a someone.

No matter, the catass crowd reacted as they usually do … by grinding out all 32 professions. Problem solved.

Fast forward to today. SOE explains that they had indeed changed the system long ago to require eight professions instead of five (thank you sir, may I have another?), and the new jedi system is now quest-based (no surprise) and, ahem, gated. (SURPRISE!!!) In other words, you can’t begin the path to jedi until enough of the players ahead of you on the path have passed through the quest system.

(Or something like that. Who the fuck knows since the usual SOE bullshit is to not explain anything fully … or else we’d really get pissed.)

I managed to dodge this skullfuck, mostly by remaining disinterested and avoiding content. Come to think of it, that’s the only tried and true method I’ve found to keep SOE’s dick at bay … content avoidance.

I highly recommend it.

Problem is, in Star Wars: Galaxies, players can be “tipped” credits against their will or even while offline. Tipping is a completely passive activity for the recipient. Hence, Sony’s encore appearance in the coveted “Asshats of the Week” sidebar.

But, there’s more!

SWG server Intrepid, naive Sony noobs that they are, decided to stage an ingame protest in Theed (major gathering area) to demand that Sony properly investigate the bannings and reinstate the innocent players. And by “properly investigate”, I mean investigate AT ALL, and use SOME EVIDENCE (as opposed to none) before assigning guilt.

The ingame protest begins to lag the server, CSRs arrive to tell the crowd to disperse, and, to quell the uprising (or maybe just to fuck with them), Team Sony begins randomly teleporting players around the galaxy and booting people from the server. (Class act, that Sony!)

Below is an excerpt from a chat log that one such player, Eloran, had with a few CSRs inquiring about the official banning policy. Rather than link to the board post (because I think we can all agree that post isn’t long for this world), I’m reproducing it here, for History’s sake. (My editoralization in red)

CSR Josh K.: Hello Eloran, Thank you for contacting Sony Online Entertainment. One moment please, while I read your question. Thank You! (poor Josh)
Eloran Starlighter: Okay, CSR JoshK
CSR Josh K.: How may I help you today Eloran?
Eloran Starlighter: I’m sure you are aware of the recent credit duping ban spree. I have NOT been banned, but I do have a question
Eloran Starlighter: What will happen if I am tipped malicious credits? I do not dupe, but the economy should not screech to a halt (what will happen? Your ass is banned too. Any other ?s)
Eloran Starlighter: If you do not answer, I want to speak to your supervisor. If you ignore me, I will report you. I hate to threaten, but I will not be taken lightly.
Eloran Starlighter: ….Josh?
CSR Josh K.: Did you contacted a in game CSR? (wtf, Josh = Apu in Delhi?)
Eloran Starlighter: This is NOT an in game issue, they have not helped me. I want information. If you will not give it, please give me your supervisor. This circular “Talk to this guy” “talk to that guy” “send an e-mail there” ruse is annoying. Please give me information or a higher-up.
CSR Josh K.: One moment please, while I transfer you to another CSR who has the ability to assist you further with your issue. You will be returned to the queue and a CSR will assist you immediately. Thank You, and have a nice day. (argg, Josh used the hand-off hotkey)
Eloran Starlighter: If I am tipped malicious credits…what will happen? What if I sell my acklay bones and get paid with duped creds? I didn’t do anything wrong. Why should I be banned?
CSR Josh K. has left the session.
Please wait while we find an agent from the SOE HELP STAR WARS GALAXIES department to assist you.
You have been connected to CSR Ken V..
Eloran Starlighter: Thank you. =)
CSR Ken V. has left the session. (pussy)
Please wait while we find an agent from the SOE HELP STAR WARS GALAXIES department to assist you.
You have been connected to CSR Shane S..
CSR Shane S. has left the session. (pussy)
Please wait while we find an agent from the SOE HELP STAR WARS GALAXIES department to assist you.
You have been connected to CSR Ethan H..
CSR Ethan H. has left the session. (pussy)
Please wait while we find an agent from the SOE HELP STAR WARS GALAXIES department to assist you.
You have been connected to CSR Chris R..
CSR Chris R.: Hello Eloran, Thank you for contacting Sony Online Entertainment. One moment please, while I read your question. Thank You!
Eloran Starlighter: Are you CSR JoshK’s supervisor
Eloran Starlighter: ?*
CSR Chris R.: I am tier 2 support (wfe, does that mean paid more and actually in the USA?)
Eloran Starlighter: I assume that means you are higher up. Great.
CSR Chris R.: Is there something I can assist you with?
CSR Chris R.: Yes that is correct
Eloran Starlighter: Yes. I require information.
CSR Chris R.: Okay
Eloran Starlighter: This is not an in-game issue, so an in-game CSR is out of the question
Eloran Starlighter: I’m sure you are aware of the recent ban-spree due to credit duping. What will occur if I sell an item, and am paid with duped credits? What if I am maliciously tipped? Why should I be flagged and banned? Should the economy screech to a halt?
CSR Chris R.: Yes I am aware
Eloran Starlighter: if you cannot assist me, please send me to tier 3, to your supervisor, or to someone else. If you do not, I will gladly report you. I do not want to threaten, as you seem to be nice. But I shall not be taken lightly on this issue.
CSR Chris R.: Unfortunately there is no on e in this department that can assist you with this matter. All banned and suspended account must go thru swgsupport@soe.sony.com. That is who you will need to contact. (argg, the attempted hand off)
Eloran Starlighter: I am not banned nor suspended.
Eloran Starlighter: I said I wanted information.
Eloran Starlighter: I do not want an auto-response letter. Especially since I am not even banned.
CSR Chris R.: What information are you requesting? (scroll up, asshat)
Eloran Starlighter: What will occur if I sell an item, and am paid with duped credits? What if I am maliciously tipped? Why should I be flagged and banned? Should the economy screech to a halt?
CSR Chris R.: You will be banned (at least he’s honest)
CSR Chris R.: I would advise you not to do anything that would put your account at risk (like participating in the player economy in any way)
Eloran Starlighter: And how does one get unbanned? Pray to the mighty auto-response from swgsupport@soe.sony.com? =P
Eloran Starlighter: So I should stay logged out and let the people who hate my bank tip me? I should stop selling items? I should sit in the middle of Endor
Eloran Starlighter: ?*
CSR Chris R.: You do not
CSR Chris R.: Once an account is banned, it is gone forever (lie)
Eloran Starlighter: ….
Eloran Starlighter: Ouch
Eloran Starlighter: So you reccomend staying logged out? (Yes)
Eloran Starlighter: I mean, there seems no safe way. You can get bank tipped while offline
CSR Chris R.: To be perfectly honest with you. If you did receive any duped credit’s or purchased anything with duped credits, I would advise you to contact a CSR immediately. (and, err, how will she know that?)
CSR Chris R.: That is a in game support CSR (attempted hand-off)
Eloran Starlighter: I have not recieved anything. But I’m just saying, how can I possibly avoid it?
CSR Chris R.: If someone tips you a large amount of credits contact a in game support CSR (again, do not participate in the player economy)
Eloran Starlighter: All right. But…one other question
Eloran Starlighter: Let’s say I kill an acklay. I get some cool bones. I go and I sell it…a big-name weaponsmith purchases it. Now, he didn’t dupe…he’s too honest for that. But a few hours ago, someone bought his 3 mil weapon with some duped creds. He pays me for the bones with his money. What happens? (as if Chris R knows what an acklay bone is.)
CSR Chris R.: Now if something like that were to happen in game support could look at the logs and see that you were not in violation of the End User’s License Agreement. (WOOT! he used the EULA as a shield!)
Eloran Starlighter: But if I were already banned, my account would already be lost forever, wouldn’t it? Or can they unban it if I am proven innocent? (the phrase “proven innocent” just seems so wrong)
CSR Chris R.: They can do an investigation and unban an account
Eloran Starlighter: And if I am tipped big credits, I should immedietly call a CSR? And hold onto the money so he can remove it from the game? (it’s the players’ job to police game mechanics?)
CSR Chris R.: Yes that is correct, were talking millions of credits
Eloran Starlighter: So if I only recieve like 800K or something for my acklay bones, I should be safe..and if not…they can unban me, right? (800k, safe from SOE Gestapo; million(s), not safe)
CSR Chris R.: Yes
CSR Chris R.: That is correct
Eloran Starlighter: Thank you very much, CSR Chris R. You have been, by far, one of the most helpful CSRs I have ever met. I hope they give you a raise or a bonus or something. =) Please submit this log if it will help you recieve such a thing.
Eloran Starlighter: Have a wonderful day

Sony. They’re the fucking Nazgul.

My guildmates were swapping account info around like a cyber skank even after I made a post on the guild boards warning people not to do so. The guy you trust like a brother today, can bring your game play down around your ears tomorrow. And that’s not even considering what havoc he can wreak with your credit card number, real life address and phone numbers.

Guy B gets torked off at Guy A, logged onto A’s account, took his virtual money, phat lewt and deleted A’s characters on his way out the virtual door. Harsh. Reason? Because Guy A was elected new guild leader over Guy B. (well, obviously the right choice was made there, eh?)

All this is just allegation at this point, as Guy B hasn’t officially responded claiming responsibility. More later after this issue is investigated (and how fun for me, I’ll be heading up the internal investigation), and I also have a story about a prior incident eerily similar to this one, in another virtual world.

Noobs. When will they ever learn?

Contrary to predictions from the guild bleeding hearts, the WJ didn’t burst into tears and beg to remain on the island, but instead asked to receive an official guild email re: reasons for the termination … and then promptly switched factions and went off to live happily ever after with a pretend online boyfriend.

W T F

Not wtf about the pretend online boyfriend, that’s almost a daily event in online society, but W T F about getting a guild email outlining the reasons. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t do the snipe job on this, because no fucking way in hell would I take even two minutes of my time to write some bullshit for a whack job. (Although I would probably shorten my response to “fuck that”.)

No doubt in my mind that the WJ is gearing up to start some drama — O M G, I was crucified, and now I’m a martyr, PITY ME!! FLAME THEM!!

Here’s why you got waxed: You suck at PVP, even after WEEKS of practice, I can count on one thing from you … you’re dead before the battle is 30 seconds old. You’re a creep. I’ll go out on a limb and state that 26 year old adults making moves to have a sexual relationship with an 18 year old barely-adult pretend online boyfriend is CREEPY. You became the punchlines to all our jokes, for that and oh so much more.

Take your licks and move on. Which, after consideration, you should enjoy.

How did I get assigned this sniper gig? We voted to kick the whack job to the curb, you’d think that everyone would want a piece of the action.

Not so. Everyone else invented some reason why they were incapable of enforcing majority rule. “I just can’t bring myself to do it.” “I’ll be too mean.” “I don’t wanna.” “I’m just not the type for that job.” And I am?

Well, apparently I am, because I am willing to do my duty and clean this solid waste out of our ranks. I won’t relish it, I won’t enjoy it, and I am for damn sure tired of waiting around to do it; but by God, it will be done.

I want extra DKP for this shit though. Assuming we ever invent DKP for SWG.

1. Above all else, the drama cannot involve me. If drama impacts my gaming in any way, then I have to deal with it, and I hate that. It is imperative that the drama is swirling around others.

2. Truly fine game drama usually involves the mentally-unhinged coming unglued. If you can watch this as it actually happens, that’s a rare treat, my friends.

Naturally, I will provide a contemporaneous example. (I’m THAT good.) Over on my Star Wars server, a few months back, this player introduces himself on the server forums … you know, one of those “Hail and well met, good citizens of Server X” and all that kind of shit. (I think: wfe. anyone auctioning good loot on the trade forum?)

He announces his intention of hosting player-run events to provide the good citizens of Server X with the immersive content they so richly deserve! (wfe) He has already hosted many such events on two other SWG servers and, lucky us, will do here also! (The ex-EQ skeptic in me is immediately suspicious.)

And he hosts one battle event, with some success, and then hosts a fundraiser event, to aid in running even more events. (Ex-EQ skeptic becomes more suspicious.) He raises funds to the tune of 22 million+ credits, but can’t host any new events for a while because he is building a player city, to be an event-friendly arena.

Then, he’s leaving the game for a while because he’s getting a RL divorce. (Did we need to know the details?) Then he’s back sooner than he expected. Then, he’s quitting because the development plan is so disappointing. Then he’s back again. Then he’s in love with some game chick. (Ya, like I didn’t see that coming.) Then they’re on the outs. Then she has to call a CSR to have a talk with him allegedly because he doesn’t know when to go away.

C’mon, you have to know what comes next, right?

Then he’s in love again, this time it’s for REAL. (wfe) Now, they’re going to get married, and of course, he has to annoy me with his forum posts about how much in love they are and shouldn’t we all just be so happy for them both? (omg, go away already.) But wait! Before I can be annoyed by his posts about the glorious ceremony, he gets upset with the current mayor of his town and wants to take back control. Which he lost because of his “I’m leaving” “I’m back” “I’m leaving” “I’m back” mania.

This is where the drama starts getting good. He starts hurling obscenities at the mayor on the forums and demanding that either he or his candidate be elected instead. (omg, up the dosage on the thorzine.) So, the current mayor does some snooping around on his two previous SWG servers and finds out that this is the same psycho behavior he displayed over there. (gee, ya think?)

By now, the players that were excited about additional roleplay content (not me) are wondering what happened to all that money they donated to his fundraiser and demand some accountability. Being the forum whore that he is, you might think he would address this immediately, right? Probably in some psycho, meth-induced break from reality sort of way, but a response nonetheless.

You’d be wrong.

He posts this excrutiatingly-long write-up about his roleplay wedding and then says he’s taking a “break from the forums” for a couple of weeks and will address everyone’s concerns then. (BULLSHIT WARNING!!) I can hardly wait to see the series finale on this one. My money’s on “I was diagnosed with cancer and had to eBay the virtual money for a cancer operation”.

As you should know by now: there’s a sucker born every minute … and two to take him.

An example of my latter day experiences with Live and In Virtual Person CSRs:

Some assbangers were feign+training my SWG guild in the toughest dungeon in the game (Death Watch Bunker .. this noob pissroom can’t come close to the craziness of old world Guk, but, yanno, this is Bore Wars). So, naturally, my guild (FOOLISHLY) thought that notifying the CSRs in live chat might elicit some response, as this was a sleepy, uneventful evening during the week. What the hell else do they have to do with all servers up and the chat room just has a few “how do I change my eye color at the initial character select screen?” people in attendance?

I should point out, in all fairness, that if my guild (and more specifically if *I*) had access to a master smuggler also, I would have feign+trained their asses so hard, they would still be cloning. I’m that kind of an “eye for an eye” guy.

CSRApu tells our guild rep that a CSR will be there shortly to investigate. (Holy shit, maybe that India thing is just a rumor.)

About a dozen feign+trains later, and an additional 9 Super Battle Droids dropped into our camp, no CSRApu. (O where o where can he be?) Eventually, cooler heads prevailed … wait, scratch that … a more pragmatic head prevailed (me), and I decided that I wasn’t going down without taking most of the assbangers with me.

Which I did. Shame that.

Here’s the happy ending, though … we did receive a partially-coherent response to our CSR tickets — thanking us for playing SWG and assuring us that “someone” was investigating our report and there would be repercussions for such assbangery.

O yes, there most certainly would be repercussions for assbangery. Not in my lifetime, but possibly in my next lifetime.

So I have that going for me.