Category Archives: Noteworthy

Five Classic Gaming Pranks

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It’s a hot night.

The mind races.

You think about your knife.

The only friend who hasn’t betrayed you.

The only friend who won’t be burned by your carefully laid trap.

Sleep tight, mates, for on the morrow, all Hell breaks loose.

If you haven’t yet discovered the fun to be had by playing pranks on your e-friends and guildmates, you’ve been missing out. First, a warning: pranks aren’t any fun if your target bursts into tears, quits the game, and finishes out his (her) life a mere shell of his (her) former self.

Ok, with some asshats that part would be fun.

Let’s just say this: consider your target. Some have a good sense of humor and will spend the rest of their gaming career seeking revenge; others will mope and whine and only fantasize about revenge. Also, consider the spirit in which the prank is given. Mean-spirited, malicious pranks should be saved for your arch enemies.

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The Endgame is a Goldmine

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Here’s some good news. I’m working on getting assigned to the (dreaded) groups 7 or 8 for our guild raids and I’ll tell you why: I want to live blog endgame Warcraft raids.

(Stop that! This can work.)

I’ve always known this could be a comedy goldmine, but sadly, I’m usually in groups 1 or 2 (out of the possible eight). Pressure. The weight of the world on us. All that. So I’m pushing to get into the (dreaded) groups 7 or 8.

As far as I’ve seen, groups 7 and/or 8 have pretty much NOTHING to do in the entire Warcraft endgame except throw their arms in the air, wail, gnash teeth, and blame groups 1 and 2 for not carrying the weight of the world. You can see the beauty here — I’m IDEAL for that role.

I expect it will go like this:

Raid: Ok, on time attendance log now.

Warlocks: WHAT THE???? Wait!!!!!!!!!! Leaving Ironforge now, hold attendance!!!

Raid: Get ready for buffs, gather.

Warlocks 1 and 2: Put me on log, have to get a few shards.

(Ya, none of us understands the whole warlock thing either. Why aren’t they the first to arrive? Why don’t they ever have shards, an essential component for their class-exclusive abilities??? We don’t know. They just don’t.)

The Whispercast Users: Whispercast — bla bla bla me bla bla bla buff bla bla tell bla bla maybe bla bla whatever. kthx.

(Whispercast is this buff mod whereby you send a tell to the buffer with the name — AND I MEAN THE EXACT NAME — of the desired buff, which he/she queues and fires at will. Because buffing is terribly complicated for these people. Ya, I don’t get that either.)

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Evil, Heartless Guild Recruiting

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If my World of Warcraft guild was so foolish as to put me in charge of a recruitment program, I have a few ideas on recruitment guidelines, updated for the current generation of MMOGs.

Back in the EverQuest day, these guidelines wouldn’t be so … out there. Competition was tight: for mobs, for loots, for new guildies, for guild invites, for all that was new and shiny. In today’s kinder and gentler online world of fruity elves and jolly dwarves, that just ain’t so anymore. (Yes, I realize that I simultaneously bitch about endgame design and laud its cutthroat pragmatism. I like to think of that dichotomy as The Many Moods of Foton.)

Foton’s (evil and heartless) Guild Recruitment Guidelines:

1. Broadband. Most guilds, including mine, currently have this as an actual requirement. I’m including this anyways because it’s that important. A disco or lagging member does us ZERO good on Blackwing Lair Attempt #s 2 – 29. (Frankly, by Attempt #30, no one gives a fuck and neither do I.)

2. Residence outside disaster-prone areas. Sorry Gulf Coast, I learned my lesson. (Probably the wrong lesson, but a lesson nonetheless.) I’d like to include California in this too, the impending Big One and all, but there’s so many avid Cali gamers, I need their numbers. In the interim. Until the Big One hits. Fortunately for us, we didn’t have any guild members in the New Orleans/Mississippi areas, however, we do have several members in Houston. Thankfully, they all suck so we didn’t miss them during the evacuation.

3. A voice audition. TeamSpeak and Ventrilo are mainstream online gaming tools now and almost universally de rigor. I want to see not only that a guild recruit has our chosen voice proggie properly installed and working, but also that his/her/its voice isn’t like fingernails on a chalkboard. Mic set to Push to Talk, not too loud, not too quiet, drunk talking ok in small doses, those with screaming babies and/or ragging Significant Others in the background need not apply. High talkers (male), low talkers (either gender) and fems on steroids … you’re on shaky ground.

4. Money can’t buy love, but it can buy a guild membership. Unless we’re talking about one of those new fangled games where there’s no subscription fees, (and we’re NOT, btw), the prospect will need some financial stability to pay the monthlies. I’m not a fan of prepaid game cards (easy to forget the renewal) — BIG fan of credit cards (no memory necessary). To be blunt, it’s not just about the monthlies: it’s electricity, it’s rent or the mortgage payment, computer upgrades if needed, the expansion packs, the T-1 line, et al. If we’re talking about someone that’s one week away from out-on-the-street bankruptcy, save me some time and move on to one of those “family guilds”. They have a sympathetic ear. I do not.

5. No life outside the game. Boy, this type is getting rare, but they are gold if you can find them. Gold! Most guilds need at least a few of these to pick up the slack for the rest of us whose real lives intrude on precious gaming time. I’ll go so far as to say that there is an inverse relationship between a prospect’s real life involvement and his value to the guild. Spouses, life partners (w/e), children, pets, nosey neighbors, a mother … all bad, unless they game too, in which case they are subject to the same recruiting guidelines.

Evil? Yes. Heartless? Yes. Politically Incorrect? Undoubtedly.

That whole “accepting people for who they are” crap is out in Real Life. Learn the difference.

In a nutsack, that is why I’m not allowed to recruit for the guild. And why I’m subject to a gag order for guild public communications. And why internet anonymity is a very good thing for a person like me.

Because I’m a visionary.