Ain’t Love Grand

Here are a couple more World of Warcraft forum finds sent to me by my tireless emailer crew — our eyes are everywhere.

First, buried in the rogue forums amongst all the angst over the incoming haste nerf patch, “so im chilling in the dreaded ‘Friend Zone’..”, and our protagonist doesn’t give us much information, except this:

from Friend ladder to “good ladder”

DO or DIE and make the jump.


Let it be.

Probably, he’s referring to the hated Friends Ladder as postulated (and popularized) years ago at (Click “Construction of the Ladder” for the professional graphic.)

There are a few amusing responses and even fewer helpful responses, but I particularly enjoyed reply #15 by this week’s top candidate for intense psychotherapy:

Stay away imo. especially if you work with her. She’s probably a wh0re anyways. Most of em are. A good 99% i’d guess.

So I’m guessing that Norman didn’t have a very healthy relationship with mom.

(Thanks, emailer Laura!)

Last, a spurned WoW lover used the forums to complain about the imaginary sex he had: KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR REPORT HERE. The thread was deleted (natch), but Google cache was quicker on the draw than me. (WARNING: This thread and the posted links are NSFW – language, masked language and ALL CAPS VIRTUAL SCREAMING.)

Basically, this level 61 rogue (that’s why you’re sitting on the bench, champ, L2Level) is claiming he had (real or imagined) sex with this woman who had sent him (real or stolen) nudey pics of herself (or her imagined self). It’s hard to decipher with the walls of text, maybe she’s his guildmate, maybe just a servermate, who knows, but neither party was satisfied, she moved on to other (real or imagined) lovers, and he chose to embarass himself on the server forums.

Quoted rants after the jump. Again, NSFW! (Names/img links edited from the quoted text.)

Listen up you %%!@ing douchebags defending *female game-name*, besides the like 2 other chicks(who are probably whale-esque %%%*#!!s anyway) defending her, everyone of you is a %%!@ing guy. if you’re not within the ages of 16-32, reconsider your %%!@ing life right now you douchebag. get the %%!@ off the internet old *%*#@#@.
now listen up horny ass little !**#@*s, I know you all love *female game-name* because “if she once dated an internet dude, she might do it again, right?!” besides the fact that she already is(so you’re building up your goddamn internet poke-a-snatch credit way too late), the !%@!# ALREADY GOT NAKED. And of course since *male game-name* is a goddamn @!!#@% trying to avoid a forum ban(very unlike me) he took down what most of you are looking for from this stupid #!#!, the twat and tits! now before I give away the big cha-bang, here’s a little teaser for you douchebags to shut the %%!@ up****
Yeah, those are REAL TITTIES, and yeah her myspace pictures DO make her look better(don’t worry, her %!#! looks like someone pumped testostorone into it, and her tits from another angle look like the international house of pancakes’ most disgusting crepes ever made!) and yes, you COULD be dating REAL GIRLS! even for you pathetic little @@!#heads it’s not impossible to get women, your attitude, self esteem and pretending you have money(they’re known as expensive %!##@s among men for a reason, and *male game-name* christened his little angel just that too)matter just as much as looks, unless you’re fat then you’re pretty much %%!@ed. BUT THERE DAWNETH THE LIGHT; A GIRL THAT DATES MEN ON THE INTERNET NO MATTER THEIR LOOKS! because, let’s face it, *male game-name* is a pretty ugly @!!#@% with a hideous little beard, and *female game-name*’s new boyfriend looks like what my chemical romance would look like if they were 15 year olds. We interupt this programm to bring you;****
warned you about the pancakes there!
anyway, going on, no, defending this girl is not going to get you laid, and you most definitly don’t want to %%!@ this aids-infested %!##@. you can lie to everyone here all you want, and honestly everyone that casually goes out(saturdays at best)will pick up on your BS right away(your friendly neighbourhood internet superheroes that can magically do it all, including me, me and me!). In the end though, you’re the one @*!*@!%!#ing in a pool of your own tears before you go to bed at night, that your best hope at ever getting a lay is that it doesn’t work out with this %!#!’s next boyfriend(or that dumb !%@!# from hostile that’s only in the guild because the trolls are disease-ridden *%*#@#@s that will do anything to hear a voice of a woman(INC FUNNY REPLIES ABOUT HOW THEY ARE “REALLY” GAY))and that the first guy she notices is you, because yes, that is how fast she goes through men. but here comes the reason why you’d never %%!@ing want to;****
the thing’s probably got more STD’s than this entire server combined. Probably because 90% of you are a bunch of goddamn virgins that wouldn’t have a shot at catching one anyway, and are trying your hardest to catch all of her’s with a single %%!@ing pokéball. If any of you, whatsoever, can read this entire post and still convince yourself that defending her, with that tiny, little shred of hope that she’ll eventually be your girlfriend, and that once you finally get to stick it in her %%!@ing pooper, she @@!#s all over your %#!# too (that’s really disgusting btw *female game-name*, good job) is really worth it, because let’s face it, no one’s hanging around for her friendship or her awesome personality, talking to a mud-puddle would be more interesting and deep than having a conversation with this moron, then seriously, there is no hope for your life. you don’t have to pretend and reply to me that you have real life friends and go out all the time, this is just telling you %%!@ing jackasses, to ask one of your friends that you know is outgoing to go out to a club with you. all of you goddamn nerds would finally realize that this !%@!#, besides being an STD-infested mine field, is worth absolutely nothing, not even your worthless filthy nerd times. anyone still defending this !%@!# that can go to bed tonight and say to himself “I did good protecting that girl’s honor, I shall now wipe the blood off my sword and sweat off my armor” Proceeding to probably clean his LARP-gear while doing that, is an absolute %%!@ing waste of life. if you have anything that even remotely resembles a life(remember grandpa, just because you’re 50 and realizing you’re not happy with your life but you can’t go out anymore cause you’d look like a %%!@ing clown, doesn’t maek e-loli worth it) you will not be posting her to protect her feelings, because let’s face it: if you had any clue what was possible if you attended your actual life more BESIDES saying “I go to skool/w0rk and then sprint home to get on wow lolZ” you wouldn’t %%!@ing be here, and you’d be enjoying this !%@!#

Second rant:

Now to *female game-name* herself: If you think these people are defending you out of friendship or whatever, really, what are you doing to yourself? do you REALLY believe it? I bet you burst into *%!!ing tears at times seeing what your life is. people who never see actual women flipping out about how hot you are being the greatest accomplishment you’ll ever achieve untill you seriously flip your life upside down, is that something you’re proud of? the fact that these thick-headed internet friends, you know who unlike the real life friends that you hang out with ‘all the time’ yet amazingly always blow you off on the last second, are always there for you, would probably not even be able to finish the University of Phoenix, or *%!! those are high standards, those %!!*@#@s probably couldn’t even finish anything more than a public high school on the lowest possible *%!!ing grades. Those are your friends *female game-name*. your friends you’ve never even met, and that just like you, you’ve only seen through self-provided pictures(which we realize by now, makes you look a lot better than you actually do) Can you live with that? is that where the suicide attempts come from? No, it’s more likely that you’re just as stupid, or as ‘uncomformist’ than your current boyfriend, and that you don’t even realize that these people are only interested in your tits(which really, aren’t all that interesting!)
And the highlights of your life? spending every night on wow, crying about your dad giving you a dominatrix uniform and going “put this on and ill make you famous” in an awesome, drunk pirate style(why the *%!! didn’t you abuse your %!*#@ish lifestyle back then, when you love it plentiful now) or was it cutting your wrists because “I DONT FEEL ANYTHING BUT THE PAIN, I NEED THE PAIN TO KNOW IM REAL!” or whatever bull*@%@ reason. if you actually tried to kill yourself and you cut yourself at those random *%!!ing spots, then yes, you’re really a no-good *%!!ing !*%!@ that will end up living in a trailer park with some fat redneck husband that will beat your face into the ground if you don’t make that goddamn inhuman piece of *@%@ a sandwhich and then sit in the kitchen where you *%!!ing belong, and practice not *@%@TING WHILE TAKING IT UP THE ASS EVERY NIGHT.
but rest easy, your prospects are great. at least you’ll have a ton of kids(probably through some form of incest, like with your father) and have a loving husband(the man appreciates a good sandwich, woman)
and you certainly won’t die alone, because all your children will be there to rob your corpse!

that, or you might become a fat !%!@@!#. you’re already halfway there!****

There’s a certain raw talent in his ranting. If this guy learns about paragraphs and punctuation, he could have a career as professional flamer.

That and $20 will get him a new World of Warcraft account to replace the one he lost with this post.

(Thanks, emailer Matt!)

6 thoughts on “Ain’t Love Grand

  1. rofl, this has got to be my favourite reply:

    heres what you do; Tell her you play WoW and watch the panties fly off

  2. This is hysterical and I apologize in advance for the forthcoming lenghty comment. I never knew about this data but it’s SO spot-on.

    Many years ago I was hanging out regularly with a man who was obviously on my Friend’s ladder. Before this span of being single, I’d been married to my HS sweetheart for 14 years. Therefore despite my age, I was quite the dating noob. Anywho…one night when he was leaving my house after having had dinner there, he kissed me at the door. I WAS LIVID! So yes, he go the proverbial kick to the head and lucky it wasnt a kick to the balls instead.

    I let him know in no uncertain terms that we were just friends and it was that or hit the door for good. He was graceful about it and decided he’d rather just be friends than nothing. Dial forward 4 months and we’re dating…6 months and we live together…2 years and he’s the love of my life…5 more spent in blissful heaven… 2 more and oops, all over. Ah well, definitely better to have loved and loss in this case.

    The only thing regretful is someone who jumps from friends ladder to the other, is a much larger loss once it’s over and they’re gone. So beware of allowing ladder jumpers! LOL

  3. no way. a lot about that ladder system is true, but i take issue with this line:
    “I feel like I can talk to you about anything”
    they claim it signifies to a man that he’s on the friends ladder, but in my world (unless he’s gay) it means, “hey buddy, i’m taking you OFF the friends ladder and opening up new possibilities.

  4. Bah. My husband was my best friend before we started dating, and now we’ve been together for 10 years and married for 6. Quite happily. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

    This rant is hysterical. I wonder if this guy has any idea how silly it makes him look?

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