No, I Won’t Dance Naked with You in Ironforge

Two weird dudes I ran into on my latest hiding-from-the-guild alt: So there I was in Westfall, working on the Lighthouse quests for the 33rd time, when I ran into weird dude #1, a level 19 mage, also working on the same quests. He saw me, a mid-teens tank, pondering the high-teens murlocs and asked if I wanted to join for the “kill murlocs up and down the coast” adventure. Thought me, fuck pride, better to finish this sooner rather than later.

We commenced to a’killing and very early on, I noticed he had a peculiar habit of shouting out random words, like “scuba!” or “engine!” or “pencil!”. The first few times, I’d “huh?” but after his explanation that he was a terrible typer (“billboard!”), I pretended not to notice and got the hell out of there as soon as the quest was completed. Could be that he’s roleplaying a gnome mage afflicted with Tourette’s syndrome or a drunk — in either case, sayonara and please don’t add me to your friends list.

I moved on to the Lakeshire quests. I’m killing pigs. Again. This night elf hunter runs up behind me, opens a trade window and drops in a wrapped present. He stands there, silent, trade window open. I close out the window, cancelling the trade, HOPING this was somehow a mistake and he’ll move away from me.

I kill pigs. He runs up and, again, opens the trade window with the wrapped present. I accept the trade, open the gift and inside is a picture of his penis. HAHA, no it wasn’t. How would he do that in a game, noob? Inside was a level 13 piece of armor. I was level 16-ish with some tricked-out tank gear (I take care of my alts), how am I to greet level 13 armor? I was tempted to disenchant it right then and there, but I took the high road and thanked him. Plenty of time to disenchant that later.

I kill pigs. Now he finds his tongue and /tells me “now you give me a present”. (How bout I give you a gold and you get the fuck away from me forever? I’m not above paying people off to go away, in this life or the real life.) I told him that I didn’t have paper, which was true, but he was prepared for that! He opens a trade with some wrapping paper. Just great, not only do I meet every whack job on this server, they’re like Boy Scouts with preparedness.

As God is my witness, the only crap I had in my bags were stackable items (which can’t be wrapped), soulbound items (not tradeable), and one level 13 piece of armor that was waiting to be disenchanted. I explain that I’m fresh out of presents, bye! and I flee down the road. If I could have sprinted, I would have. I peek around the hills to see if I was followed … coast is clear … I kill pigs.

I’m skinning a pig when a trade window pops up, with a craptastic wand, and my gay would-be suitor smiling beside it.

Now we were well into a weird area here. I could have hoped that a wrapped wand would end this sick brand of stalking, but I was guessing that would only be the beginning. Next it’s friends lists, then it’s group with me!, finally it’s “let’s put on a show for Ironforge and dance in our underwear!!” I can see the future and it involves deletion of this level 16-ish tank and a therapist’s couch.

Suddenly, an idea pops into my head — to repel a whack job, one must become like them. Get into their pelt and crawl around for a bit.

I /tell him “scuba!” and strafe away. He /reply “??” (Heh, confused are we?) “magazine!” He repeated that it was my turn to give him a present. “engine!”

He tries to escape to Lakeshire with a “bye now”, but I must have the last word. “furniture!”

I kill pigs.

14 thoughts on “No, I Won’t Dance Naked with You in Ironforge

  1. Nice, reminds me of walking in to Goldshire and seeing two naked night elves on standing on the table “RPing”. I decided it was time to my best impression of “Yar Yar! Hump Hump!” and stand like a tree making crow noises. My RP was not appreciated.

  2. Pretty scary. I always assume these stalkers are just kids who don’t know what they are doing, which is to say I desperately look for the silver lining on the cloud. I know, I’m fooling myself.

    Still, as a priest i get my fair share (nonstop) of /w. I’ve started to use some standard replies now, though.

    When someone I don’t know wants me to go to an instance, more often than not they’ll just /w the name i.e. “Gnomer?” – no damn manners – so now I offer a definition: “Yes, it’s an instance, in Dun Morogh, for levels 28-36”.

    Failing that, or failing me having the effort, I just use “I’m a bunny! Hop! Hop!”. Repeatedly, until they leave me alone.

  3. I probably would have simply wrapped the level 13 armor and “re-gifted” it, but that’s just me. Your solution has more style. 😀

    Times like these are what the infinite ignore list mod was made for…

  4. ‘Horde for life’ is quite right. Since i moved to horde, things like that rarely happen.

    I try not to log on to my nelf priest anymore for fear of teh noobs. They scare me.

  5. Y’know, I gotta say. I played alliance, I played horde. I played USA, Oceania and now euro /english servers.

    And they are all as childish and dumb as each other.

    I find it’s best to turn off general and lfg until at least 40. After 40, on both sides, things get more manageable. And I refuse to instance PUG before SM these days.

  6. I normally make the ugliest toon I can, but my little girl likes to make pretty human female toons. So I’ve been playing one as a priest alt. I’m in the SW AH and some guy /says to me, “Wow, you’re hot. Take off your clothes and dance for me, and I’ll give you 10G.” Jeezus Christ. “Hell no, go away.” So then he opens a trade window and tries to give me 5G. Should have taken his money then cussed him. Then again, he probably would have liked it.

  7. I once ran a business “Sidekicks Inc” where people paid my female gnome 1 gold to be their sidekick for an hour. I’d run around with them and /yell rhymes I made up bout how great they are. (yeah i’m on an RP server) Mainly people that kind of knew me paid me not strangers.

    Anyway one guy, male dwarf, asked me: “Do you have any boy gnomes? I can dress him up in [Green Shirt]” I said no it’s just me. I could not get him to hire me he said he wanted a boy. So I forget about it. A week later he whispers me “Do you have any boy gnomes yet?”

    That was the only time I was really creepd out by someone.

  8. /sigh i have rolled 3 toons to 60 ,a male druid ,a male hunter and a female warlock on horde and this has never happened

  9. Pingback: Virtual Adept » Gaming Humor Trio.

  10. Not sure if you see old comments, but had to write. Found your site today and have been reading your favorites. This one made me laugh out loud so hard.

    The problem? I am in a library.

    The bigger problem? I am the librarian.

    Thanks for making me disturb 25 high school summer school students. Ah hell, they are distubed long before they got to me…

  11. i was going to gnomer and some chick comes up to me and said want f**k with me so i ran off and she found me so i relog and she ind said whats your email ill give u a nude pic of me so i log off and never went on that guy and he was my lvl 70 gnome

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