The Emo Tank

I’ve got to believe that my guild is not the only one that’s experienced this phenomenon: The Emo Tank. I’m going to believe that because the other explanations are too horrifying — we as a guild are somehow attracting these nutbars, or, worse, we are the cause of said nuttiness.

Some background. Once upon a time, we were allied with another guild for raiding purposes. Their main warrior had this habit of doing a stream-of-consciousness play-by-play commentary for every single boss fight. Something like this: “I’m at 80 health, gonna need a heal soon, ok, got a heal, thank you whoever that was, now Onyxia is at 95, I’ll need more heals, knockback!! ok got a heal, I’ll try to find a good spot to stand, we’ll have phase two when it’s time, I’m at 70 health, 65!!! ok got a heal, thanks again, think I found a good spot, I’M TAKING SERIOUS DAMAGE HERE, ok healed …”

Oh ya, it was hilarious. So I did an impression one night of his Ventrilo play by play. My impression was very popular and spawned many other variations for everyone’s amusement. HE, however, was not amused. I got yelled at for being a dick and I apologized. (Between you and me, it wasn’t a sincere apology. That shit was funny — he was being too sensitive.)

As I’ve told you before, that alliance ended the one day and that was the end of our first Emo Tank encounter, although we hadn’t coined the term as of yet.

Fast forward a few months and we have this secondary tank in the guild — some would call him the primary offtank, the #2 warrior. Basically, he’s the guy that offtanks the second most troublesome add/guard in a boss encounter or he’ll tank the boss itself if the MT (that’s Mr. Main Tank to you kids!) loses aggro for some reason.

This new emo warrior would regularly descend into self deprecation and long-winded apologies whenever the boss fight or the raid didn’t go well, which was really annoying because he’d need reassuring for 15 minutes and he’d have to talk to a guild officer and he wanted the MT (that’s Mr. Main Tank to you peons) to evaluate his tanking skills and on and on until no piece of uberness could ever be worth dealing with that shit.

Exhausted of this love-me-now routine, I rebuked him one night, by telling him to “Save it for your Myspace, man”. And, out of that rebuke, a running bit in /gu chat and Ventrilo about The Emo Tank and his Myspace was born.

“Dear Myspace, I screwed up the Razorgore kiting today. I need a hug.” “Dear Myspace, I disconnected during the Skeram fight. I’m so ashamed.” “Dear Myspace, I think my guild wants to /gkick me. I feel so alone.”

OF COURSE, his feelings were hurt and I got yelled at for being a dick. Again.

He left the guild after a time (no, not because of The Emo Tank stuff), and one little side benefit of his departure, so we figured, was no more Emo Tank — how wrong we were.

We had about a week’s worth of peace and freedom from emo-tankiness until suddenly, a new Emo Tank emerged: the third tank down the line rises to take his place on the Emo Throne.

Last week, late at night, he made some disparaging /gu comment about some guild-whatever. I thought the comment was out of line and said so. (I wasn’t a dick about it, yet. That comes later when it’s obvious that subtle will not work.)

Cue fifteen minutes of his further explanations, his reiteration of his guild loyalty, his outline of his stellar tanking skills but why won’t the MT ever just tell him that he’s a good tank? He’s asked the MT several times for an evaluation of his play. Blablablablablabla. The Raidleader tells the healers that they’re doing a good job almost every day, why not the warriors? Don’t the warriors need feedback too? A pat on the back?


Because of the pressure building inside my skull, I patched things up with emo-boy and assumed the incident was over.

Wrong again.

The next day, Emo Tank #3 apologized to the guild, as a whole, just in case anyone who wasn’t online the night before to witness the conversation had heard of the conversation and was frightened that our guild lacked the commitment to best any encounter in this wonderful World of Warcraft. Or in case they were questioning his guild loyalty, which they shouldn’t do because he’s loyal, baby!!

The entire guild heaved a collective sigh. Here we go again.

In honor of our Emo Tanks, past, present and future, I have created the fabled Myspace page: The Emo Tank. If you have a Myspace, you’re welcome to become The Emo Tank’s friend and leave pithy commentary or /huggles for him. Some days, he’ll recount actual emo /gu chat so you can share his pain. Other days, he’ll just post moods and listen to music.

He needs reassurance. He needs understanding. He needs a support system. He needs to talk about his feelings in minute detail until every available listener is begging for a bullet.

ADDENDUM: In case you’re thinking this is an age thing, let me break down some demographics about our three emo tanks.

Emo Tank 1: mid 20s, high school-educated, girlfriend (or so he said), level 60 Warcraft warrior
Emo Tank 2: early 20s, college student, live-in girlfriend, level 60 Warcraft warrior
Emo Tank 3: teens, high school student, never mentioned a girlfriend (real or imagined), level 60 Warcraft warrior

The only pattern I’m seeing in my statistically unsound sample: LEVEL 60 WARCRAFT WARRIOR.

ADDENDUM 2: I named the Emo Tank “Tyler” because I’ve met more than my fair share of Tylers with emotional issues. If your name is Tyler and you aren’t emotionally unstable, then you’d be the first. I’m not saying you don’t exist, I’m saying I don’t believe you.

28 thoughts on “The Emo Tank

  1. bloody funny man. You’ve got near a dozen priceless stories. Make a podcast lol. Guild drama — soap opera summaries: “Dear listener…”

  2. Ah yes. Thank the gods our MT and MOT aren’t emo, but we do have one coming up the ranks (a rerolled hunter, lol) who is a textbook case. I won’t go into how much I know about his personal life that I don’t even want to know, because honestly, you care just about as much as I do. Shut up and tank, kkthxbai.

  3. Our guild has a good tank, and his memorable quotes are limited to:

    “Popped last stand.”

    “I’m down, (next tank) get in there”

    “Good day, sir, YOU LOSE!” (Quote from Willy Wonka when the boss is defeated)

    Did the new tanks experience the old emo tanking style? They could just be copying his play-by-playness. Good habits rub off on others just like bad habits.

  4. Good question, but 2 and 3 were not around when Emo Tank 1 was involved. Our MT is similar to your guy, silent as the grave during the fight unless an adjustment is needed.

    ET3 was around when ET2 was primary offtank, however. Maybe some learning took place there. The lesson could be to eradicate those emo types quickly before they infect the rest of the populace.

  5. You have some excellent stories. I had some issues with the tanks in my last guild. Basically, everything revolved around them to some degree. The MT lived at home with his Mom (he’s 29) and once in awhile had to take a break from raiding to run to the store to get her various things. Also keep in mind that Mr. MT also had to step away in the middle of a raid to take a shower to get ready for work. (He worked 3rd shift) The OT, while a really nice guy, had to give a play-by-play of why he died and why the raid wiped…everytime. I could go on to some of the other tanks and their annoying habits but I won’t. The best part was that the raid leader coddled these tanks. Anytime they went down for any reason, the healers would hear about it. And that’s juts the tanks…I’m glad I’m not with this group anymore.

  6. I lol’ed!

    I don’t know about tanks in specific, but I’ve found folks like this in Every. Damn. Online. Community. I’ve ever been in. SOMEONE always has to bring their real-world baggage online and share it with their acquaintances even though the folks they know online are probably sitting there going, “uh, dude, I barely know you, what the hell are you telling me this crud for?” In cases where there isn’t a lot of talking about real-world stuff, it can come out in behavior the way you described it.

    My current guild doesn’t get as much of it. I think it’s because instead of getting caught up in it–by responding positively OR negatively–folks just largely ignore it. Someone starts going on about this or that, and they might get one or two people asking questions largely to find out if they’re being serious, but then it’s largely just “hmm’s” and “oh’s” at most to keep it from being too obvious they’re being ignored. Eventually these people tend to quietly move on to a community that’s willing to participate in their dramas, and they aren’t missed.

    Love the MySpace page, by the way. Hysterical job!

  7. I think some insecure folks pick “required” classes like warrior or priest so they can feel needed. That may up the emo quotient.

  8. omg… ive seen to many of these type of people… and now i have a plcae to refer them to. thank you. i love your stories and just how you tend to handle situations.

  9. I think some insecure folks pick ‘required’ classes like warrior or priest so they can feel needed. That may up the emo quotient.

    That makes entirely too much sense…

  10. Because, as we all learned with Leeroy and Chuck, that repeating the same joke over and over just keeps UPPING the funny to astronomical proportions!

  11. Okay, so, my husband’s theory is that of COURSE people with a self-flagellating personality would be attracted to the position of tank in a raid group. After all, they get to do the self-sacrificial role of taking a beating for everyone else; they’re the center of attention and focus; everyone else is often viewed as being there to back up their focus and actions; and the main focus of the priests is to heal them and keep them upright. You know, I think he has a point. In which case… you’re just screwed. 🙂

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  13. You write so beautifully about your guild lol i know what u mean!
    Sounds like u need my better half to tank for you, not sure he knows what emo is… there is the ocassional “stop dps u ****s” and “u might wanna heal me NOW!!” and “I’m down…combat res me…” and then silence til he feels he MUST stop somone being retarted (our other warriors can be wierd in their wish to somehow gain aggro). It’s out raid leader with the stream of conciousness thing, he hasn’t mastered push to talk so u get a constant stream and the a “WTF how did i die **** combat res me” (kinda a guild joke considering he’s a druid). They’ll kill me if they see this but hey it’s worth it!

  14. Hey lets not forget about the gimp tanks out there… the ones asking every 5 min during a raid “hey hows my damage… did I pass the rogue yet??”…. normaly I reply with “No, shut up and keep tanking”

  15. There’s an easy solution – let druids tank. We’ve never had any emo problems with our druid MT. 🙂

  16. Oh no, not the druids. Druids are likely the most emo of all the classes.

    “They won’t let me go cat form”

  17. This was already far too funny until one of the comments pushed it over the top, the one comment where your tank (or mages, or hunters, etc) start asking about dps or damage meters.

    It still has me laughing.

    The ‘new’ standard reply is “no, go run your own damage meter”

    hahahhhahaha, tanks asking about their dps.

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  21. On my server there are cases of this. I usually don’t let them.
    The moment I suspect someone is going to go Emo during any sort of situation, I cut them off and start taking command of the situation.
    Our guild has no emo at all. The guild leader has a strict policy on members, and will boot on command, should the problem continue. No beggers, no complaints.
    I did know someone like ET2 though. Ran a group into ZF, and this guy was to be our main tank (and my main support). He need-rolled half the drops, even if they were cloth, then opened every grave and caused a very bad wipe. He appologized for it, saying he never ran ZF before. He then logged off. One other party member told us that he had partied with this warrior the night before to run ZF.
    I say we black-ball the emo’s. Give them a permanent mark in the armory so we know what we’re dealing with.

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