A Piano Fell on Her Head

Hot on the tail of yesterday’s post about internet people sharing too much information with the rest of us (us being The Collective Internet of Strangers), a Warcraft player chronicled his recent real life difficulties with his pregnant girlfriend.

He subsequently deleted his post (or it was modded into the Internet Abyss — who knows, mods never explain these things), but thanks to the wonders of the Google cache, it was preserved in all its glory for a Warcraft forum discussion. (No need to check the discussion; it’s just 20 pages of bullshit. The real meat was in the original post.)

The veracity of this story is even more suspect than yesterday’s, but I reprint it here so that all may enjoy the creative skills of a fellow player. This is a little side benefit of the Warcraft servers imploding on patch day … 1.5 million bored people looking to stir up a little trouble.

I must warn you: this story is as disturbing as it is fascinating. I’m like everyone else, though: I love a good felony story.

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year, and have been having a great time.

A few months ago she started throwing up in the morning and all around not a fun person to be around. Her boobs hurt all the time, she was tired, all that jazz. Well we got an EPT and it turned out she was in fact pregnant. big SUPRISE right?

I took this as wonderful news. I was happy, and excited for the new addition to our relationship. Things pregressed well at first. We were both going through all the motions, buying clothes, and all that stuff, it seemed to be going well. She was happy, but always seemed a bit reserved.

Everything seemed to be going well, but I guess im blind or stupid. My girlfriend was getting more and more unresponsive to any kind of contact. She would sit in the living room crying for hours at a time. It was tearing us apart.

I figured something was wrong, so I buckled down and talked to her. We talked all night and she explained to me that she didn’t want to have the baby. Nothing I could say would make her change her mind. She said “im not having this baby, I can’t have this baby.”

She wanted an abortion.

Well we fought about it for a week or so. At this point she was already starting to show and was just miserable to be around. Everytime I tried to talk to her she would say things like “Why don’t you **** me in the ass and make another baby to go along with this one!”, she was angry I know it does not make any sense.

Well now I sorta got the picture. So I caved and told her I would not mind if she got an abortion if she felt that strongly about it, “Being the good person that I fell in love with I knew you would come around.” She said. Heres where things GO really bad.

We went to the clinic and he informed us that the baby was to far along to be aborted by state law and that there was nothing left to do but have it. My girlfriend was literally DESTROYED. She cried for the rest of the day. That night at home she started drinking, HEAVILY. I tried to disuade her. But after getting beer bottles and plates thrown at me I left the house. I told her that she had lied to me when she had said that she loved me. She look me in the eyes and said “Lied? I remember you saying you loved and to cherished me; I don’t feel loved or cherished.” This hurt deeply.

When I got home the next morning, she was passed out on the living room floor. After seeing her like this I was crushed, I woke her up and told her that I loved her and that there had to be some way to work this out. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “To get this done right you are going to have to push me down the stairs..Im too scared to do it to myself..” and then started crying. I was stunned.

The next few hours absolute were hell. The first few trips down the stairs she kept grabbing the railing and stopping her self. I finally got fed up and just threw her down the stairs. She hit the bottom in a crumpled heap crying. We waited a few minutes she said she felt fine. She then stood up walked into the kitchen. I heard some noise and then a loud BANG! I rushed into the kitchen and it turned out she had run and hard as she could, stomach first into the counter. She was lying there in a daze crying again. After an hour or so she recoverd and had a NASTY bruise across her belly, but no miscarrige.

This brings us to today. She kept saying, punch me in the stomach as hard as you can. I refused at first, but after three hours of some one begging you to sock em in the gut your mind changes pretty easy.

I wailed her as hard as I could with a decently placed uppercut. She staggered and then fell on her ass. She just sat there smiling, then made a strange face…and then she exploded and a piano fell on her head.

She just locked herself in the bathroom, and has been in there for the past hour. I tried to get her to let me in but she won’t. Help?

What the hell is with the piano? Is that some sort of wannabe rapper code for something? It sounds like English, looks like English, reads like English and yet it’s not.

Anyways. Hopefully, this couple’s Warcraft server was up soon after she locked herself in the bathroom. It’s obvious to me now, those downtimes can really fuck up real lives.

7 thoughts on “A Piano Fell on Her Head

  1. The things people do for fun while waiting for a server to come up. The poster of the story had this to say:
    ” I was the OP of the thread. Got a 5 hour ban but it was totally worth it.

    The sad/cool thing (depending on your opinion of the story) is that I came up with it about a year and 1/2 ago on LUE, so I was actually copying from myself.

    Anyways thanks to anyone that found it funny, and to anyone that found it appauling (ihavenolife), thanks for giving me a good laugh.”

  2. This is proof that I’ve failed to truly adapt to our harsh society even after 7 years of online gaming. Even assuming from the beginning that the story was completely unhindered by factual content, it made me sick to my stomach.

    It’s either that or the clavicord that just fell on me.

  3. “She just sat there smiling, then made a strange face — and then she exploded and a piano fell on her head.”

    I believe he is metaphorically describing the abrupt change from how she was happy that he hit her to suddenly realizing that she is in intense pain. Exploded maybe means that she cried out in pain, “Piano on the head” maybe how it would look if something like that were suddenly to happen. A complete and swift change from happy to agony. Regardless, yeah, it’s pretty obvious it’s a made up story. But, it’ll probably become an urban legend.

  4. Man, that story was much cooler when I thought it was real (up until about the part where he was pushing her down the stairs). Once you realize it’s fake, it is pretty funny about this chick running uterus-first into a counter. But a piano fell on my head once I discovered this was made up.

  5. What the hell kinda sick story is that I merely cried until I got to the she exploded and a piano fell on her head!?! Seriously who is this guy?

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