Monthly Archives: August 2004

Do It Yourself P0rn

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Continuing with my week-long series about the solid waste at the bottom of society’s septic tank…

Few years back, in lovely EverQuest, I was playing on the premium server. This server was, by this time, only premium in its monthly fee; there really weren’t any benefits to playing there other than a lower population (albeit ALL level 65 characters of end-game raiding caliber). Hail, nightly races to whatever spawns we could scoop up!

Two of my fellow servermates were a real life married couple that had also originated from my home server, so I was very familiar with the kind of shit these two skanks would pull in the name of “roleplay”. Naturally, I didn’t acknowledge their existence and, fortunately for me, they joined a rival guild so our paths didn’t cross very often.

After they had been guilded with my rivals for a time, word started leaking out about their cyber antics … and I don’t mean antics with each other. *nudge nudge* Being the jaded gaming hag that I am, I don’t give much credence to cyber rumors — it’s one of the standard insults, particularly useful when attempting to insult a female: “Soandso cybers everyone!” “Soandso is really a guy, irl!”. You get the idea.

Apparently, Skank One and Skank Two decided to step up the cyber a notch because Mrs. Skank posted naked pictures of herself on their guild private message boards. How do I know this? BECAUSE THEIR GUILD SHARED SAID PICS WITH THE ENTIRE EQ GAMING COMMUNITY. How do I know the pics were really of her? Because Team Skank became infuriated and started threatening lawsuits and, basically, confirmed that the pics were genuine.

There were also rumblings that Mrs. (and Mr.) Skank had been trying to work out various real life hookups with guildmates. (run, run very very far away!!) As they never solicited me or any of my real life buds, I don’t know how valid this is, but I have a good guess.

Fast forward a few weeks, and the pics have made their way over to my home server’s privately-run message boards. Several pages of flames, hearty laughter and almost-audible wretching later, Mrs. Skank calls up the message board host company to complain and issue the standard Skank Lawsuit Threat. (wtf, how is anyone else responsible for your hosebaggery?) Host company is the employer of an EQ player from my home server, and he is promptly fired for (I’m guessing) moral turpitude — which frankly was not HIS turpitude, but the Skanks.

The message boards were shut down and eventually found another home, away from the Skanks, although if you were to visit the new boards to this very day, you will find a subliminal “FU Skank” in the logo and a warning to not post the Skank pics (even though you might be very tempted to do so). I’ve heard that you can Kaaza the pics, if you knew the Skanks’ character names and if you were very very very very very drunk and possibly had a serious head injury also.

That, in a nutsack, is how to create your very own Legendary personal p0rn. Legendary, in more ways than one.

O The Things I’ve Seen!

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I was chatting with some gaming buds (ya, we were supposed to be working, SO?), and the noobus amongus was aghast about some SWG hosebag that had passed around some of her personal porn (and by personal, I mean of the aforementioned hosebag) a few months back.

O please. That is so five years ago and has been done to death.

Not that I blame him for being shocked; the first time I heard of such a thing, I was shocked as well. SWG is his first MMOG so it’s understandable that the seamy underbelly of MMOG society is repulsive and nauseating to him. To experienced gaming hags like me, it’s just business as usual.

It’s been my observation that in any online gaming society, there are at most five, maybe six normal people. I AM NOT BEING CONSERVATIVE HERE. We work, we interact with real, live people every day (with a certain amount of enjoyment), we have other interests besides catassing our way to gaming riches, we think cheating other players, even if it’s JUST A GAME, is wrong, etc.

Everyone else, all 1,995 of them on each gaming shard, server, et al, is the solid waste at the bottom of the septic tank. I know this to be true, and you would too if you’d stop hanging onto the delusion that human beings are inherently virtuous.

Still don’t believe me? Want examples? Hell, I could give you AT LEAST a month’s worth of examples, but since I’m inherently lazy (and virtuous), I’ll give you four days’ worth of examples. Tuesday through Friday … it’s story time.

And I’ve got some doozies.

Gaming Dream Jobs!!!

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What could be more fun than farming virtual money for real life cash?!?! (ok, besides almost anything).

I ran across this site as a banner ad on a gaming info site. As an example, I could sell these yokels 4,000,000 credits on my Star Wars server for $48. Purchasing two lots of 2,000,000 credits each would cost me $70. Not a bad markup (for them).

For EverQuest, on my old EQ server, 1,000,000 platinum pieces could be had for the low, low price of $730. (!!!) I once held 1,000,000 platinum pieces, for about five minutes, while my bud switched over to his alt to take back the platinum.

Other than that one time, such riches have always eluded me in virtual life — I’m one of those rare types that play the game to have fun. (Ya, I’m a moron. I can see that now.)

Curiously, these yokels that buy and sell all this virtual money and items are available everywhere online 24/7/365 (366 in leap years!).

They’re available more hours than Sony’s CSR team. (Oh bitter irony, why must you torture me so!)