I hate most of the internet April Foolery because it’s so not funny, but I have to admit the World of Warcraft Bard Hero and Molten Core for Consoles pranks are pretty damn humorous.

Funnier still, the posts on the General Forums with “Bard? WTF?”

U.S. side, Proudmoore is kicking ass, followed by Cenarius, Medivh, Lightbringer and Zul’jin.

Euro-servers, the ever-industrious Germans are leading the way: Lothar, Gilneas, Thrall, Madmortem and Khaz’goroth.

On my own U.S. server, we’re faaaaarrrrr behind Proudmoore, but the crowds at each quest area are crushing nonetheless. I can imagine on the high-population servers it might take most of the day to complete the new dailies.

Two things I’m looking forward to … a repair vendor and a goddamn mailbox. Screw the portal, that’s why we have mages and warlocks.

The first is: where in the World of Warcraft is this?

The second is: when Blizzard poster Hortus wrote this …

Void Reaver intentionally no longer targets or faces players that he casts Arcane Orb on. This was done to fix a bug.

There is a bug in that there is currently no combat log message for him casting Arcane Orb (just the impact message), causing boss mods to not work. This will be fixed in a future patch.

… that’s complete bullshit, right? It’s not just me who thinks a boss flinging out 5k AE damage SECRETLY is crap? I can accept if they want to break boss announcement mods for some reason which only their leetness can understand, and I can accept that raiders have to watch the boss targeting to see who’s going to be the lucky one to take an orb to the face, but they (the royal Developers They) can’t have it both ways.

And why weren’t INTENTIONAL changes to a boss encounter IN THE PATCH NOTES? That’s why I suspect Hortus was given a line of bull to get rid of him and his pesky Void Reaver questions.

Those are all secondhand reports too, by the way. We haven’t been to Tempest Keep since the patch so I don’t know firsthand what’s going on. I only know that much because of the updates on the Deadly Boss Mods page.

And the third question is: Joining and leaving ten guilds in under one year is a lot, isn’t it?

Remember the lastest Love Between Crazies drama in my guild from a few weeks back? Paladin man-whore #1 had left our guild because his (latest) in-game romance had gone sour and the object of his affections had chosen another paladin man-whore in our guild. About a week after I told you about that nonsense, she told us that we “didn’t appreciate her” and left the guild too.

And what does “we don’t appreciate her” mean anyhow? I suspect it means we didn’t shower 150% of our attention on her.

Whatever. See ya. Then she pressured PRESSURED paladin man-whore #2 to leave the guild also and join her new guild so they could game happily ever after. Now that part was a shame because he was a good player and a fine raider, but that’s how these things go.

Because I’m a shit, I did a little research and checked out her guild history on WarcraftRealms.com and discovered that she had joined and left ten guilds in under one year on our server alone — she had transferred here from another server and Lord knows how many guilds she chewed through over there.

Ya ya, I know. I should have checked the guild history BEFORE we let her in the door, but when your paladin man-whore comes to you with his helm in his hand and asks you to guild his PVP honey, you’d say yes too.

Well. Both man-whore and I learned a lesson with that one, because she’s dumped him and is coupled with one of their officers in eternal two-week gaming bliss and man-whore got /gkicked at her behest.

The biggest shame of all: we didn’t get even one naked picture from her.

Why couldn’t they just say that yesterday? I don’t know. Probably this is a Suits vs The Patch Department thing.

And because WoWWiki and Wowhead are about a billion times more accurate and timely than anything Blizzard puts out, some links to click:

2.4.0 Patch Notes
Undocumented Patch Changes
Patch Mirrors — if your ISP is like my ISP, you’re not allowed to torrent ANYTHING because only thieves and bandwidth hogs use torrent.
New 2.4 badge loot

What in the world was Foton camping?

If you’re the sort who celebrates the Christian holy days, have a good holiday. If you’re not, enjoy the readily-available bunny and egg-shaped candy. You’re welcome.

This makes a nice backdrop for character pics, btw.

(All of this is very NSFW: language, whoring, nudity, sexual content)

Here’s the tale as writ by Draacon:

Good evening. The following story is one that needs to be told, and told through pictures. To keep the site work safe on the main page, the pictures are going to be included in the post below this one. However, I will use this space to ensure that our resident Fluff Girl, Miyavi, gets the due attention she wants & deserves.

Miyavi came to our guild around December 2006. Her boyfriend, Mr. “Chobo” was one of our warriors and had a keen interest in tanking and utilizing his castrati-esque verbal assaults to motivate and move on guild members.

Anyway, Miyavi was a reserved emo chick from California who really kept to herself and to “Chobo.” I tried to talk to her some, get some pictures, add her to the archives, etc. She really resisted for the most part.

Time went on-about a year-and all of the sudden “Chobo” and Miyavi started having some relationship troubles. Miyavi decided it was time to sleep around some, in California, with one of the gentlemen she is friends with, and “Chobo” decided on Feb. 14th, 2008 that it would be time to end things. So, Miyavi was distraught. Her and “Chobo” had talked about marriage, being together, moving him to California (Where she had already flown him twice, on her time, to get his large [you’ll see what I mean in the next post] penis). She didn’t know what to do. She decided, after some internal reflection, that the only viable thing to do was to find someone vulnerable in “Chobo’s” guild and to use them to get back at him.

Enter Korrupted, a guild member from DnT. He was having some shit at home in Arizona and decided that his about year+ of hitting on Miyavi would finally pay off. He started laying it on thick, and Miyavi saw an opportunity. She decided to fly Korrupted out and let him live with her. Around the beginning of March Korrupted arrives and promptly sleeps with Miyavi–less than a month after she cheated and then got dumped by her boyfriend.

Also, it should be noted that Korrupted and “Chobo” were really good friends in the guild.

IP addresses start to show up on the boards, and there were some thoughts that Miyavi and Korrupted are now together. Miyavi decides that she should use the guild picture thread to post some images of her and Korrupted at her apartment, with the guy she cheated on “Chobo” with sitting right next to her.

I, being the inquisitive mind that I am, decide that the time had come. I decided to bring my investigative services to the table and get to the bottom of everything. I called up Korrupted and called him out for what he was a part of. He denied it at first, claiming that it was just a living situation fix. He then came around and referred to Miyavi fucking him as a “bonus” and it was “temporary.”

Miyavi, on the other hand, was getting what she wanted–she was getting more dick, and getting back at “Chobo” who dumped her, because she was a cheating skank.

So, with the help of Mr. Chobo and other individuals in the guild, I present to you. The attention whore, back stabbing skank… Miyavi.

(Foton note: pics are available by hunting around Google, just your standard attention-whore nudie pics.)

In closing, Miyavi, you’re now e-famous; go gargle mayonnaise.

And if you like to hear people lie justify themselves, the epic Ventrilo recordings are preserved on YouTube (also a Google property, thanks Google!)

Ventrilo, part 1
Ventrilo, part 2
Ventrilo, part 3
Ventrilo, part 4
Ventrilo, part 5
Ventrilo, part 6
Ventrilo, part 7
Ventrilo, part 8
Ventrilo, part 9
Ventrilo, part 10
Ventrilo, part 11

Be grateful your guild dodged that attention whore. Or disappointed, cuz that Vent convo was pretty damn entertaining.

Kudos to the D&T people on Vent who weren’t buying Landon and WhateverHerNameWasItSoundedMadeUp’s bullshit.

UPDATE: Bah! User removed YouTube audio files. I was only through Chapter 9, goddamit.

On a positive note, as commenter Feorian has pointed out, DnT restored the thread to the public areas … which is almost as epic as the Ventrilo recordings.

UPDATE 2: And now the thread is registration-only again. Bleh.

UPDATE 3: Like every attention hoe before her, Miyavi can’t look away from her own drama on the DnT boards:
        

Sources for the Vent recordings, because you don’t want to miss a single “whatever!”: File Front (zip format) or Megaupload (.rar format, thanks Quzor!).

Kids, remember to virus-scan everything you find out on the Wild, Wild Internet. I’m not making that up.

UPDATE 4 – Final word: If not for that pesky Client #9 and his whore Kristen, that DnT girl could have been Whore of the Week. Timing is everything, people.

Don’t try that prank when you’re tired or drunk. If you miss that initial blank space in the chat window before typing /gquit, you’ll gquit yourself then have to explain in shame why you need a re-invite to the guild.

That’s the voice of experience talking.

While I was wasting what would be otherwise productive work hours on the World of Warcraft forums, I ran across a post detailing a Horde prank on the Mal’Ganis server by the guild Goon Squad, Elitist Jerks’ little feeder guild. (Hell, probably on that server, every guild is an EJ feeder guild.)

Basically, they ran Jaina Proudmoore, archmage extraordinaire of Theramore, over to Orgrimmar to visit with her good buddy Thrall — all the while she teleported players and NPCs to Theramore and did her whole routine with the elementals and blizzards and general mageish chaos.

Here’s the YouTube video, which is typical game video quality (i.e. bad) and you can’t really see anything, but just the idea of the prank is enough for me.

At the end of the video, there’s a short plug for joining Goon Squad and here’s the real entertainment: Real life $$ to join and belong to a guild, with several tiers of membership, of course. Consideration for a slot in EJ will run you $50 a month, by the way. (Pssst, plus the $25 application fee.)

Taking them at their word, 1200 accounts paying the bronze membership (those cheap asses!) is $12,000 a month gross.

Joke or not, the IRS has used the anal microscopes over less.

Mate01: You’re such a cute gnome.

Mate02: You’re cuter! I’m so gonna stock you.

See that? I hadn’t even realized that “stalk” and “stock” are homonyms. Learn something new every day.