Another equally ineffective approach is outlined at Cracked.com in some experimental online dating profiles, ranging from The Actual Truth to Giving Up on Society. Somewhere in between those extremes is the fake profile of a Larper:

Although I’ve never actually had sex, I have played several video games that simulate the act, and feel that that experience, combined with my catlike reflexes, means I’ll have a pretty good handle on what’s going on.

Throw out a wide enough net and you’re bound to pull up some refuse.

Not that you asked, but I’ll usually start off in the console games section, moving off into cellphones and iPod accessories, then a slow stroll past the camera equipment to reach the Wall of DVDs, followed by a careful scrutiny of CDs … must. resist. the. siren’s. song. of the boxed sets … into computer hardware and PC games, with the big finish in Plasma Televisions. The brief layover in hardware is mostly for my mental list of stuff to search for on Newegg.com.

Like this recent acquisition … the Logitech G15 keyboard. Put plainly, this is the BEST KEYBOARD I HAVE EVER OWNED. And I’m like you, I use up keyboards almost as fast as mice (mouses?), so when a keyboard dies, I’ll race to Best Buy and tell Skippy to get me cheap, wired, in stock STAT!! Guild Raid!! No time to chat!

But this one … it’s the kind of keyboard you show off to the neighbors, even the homeless ones. “So anyways, if you ever do get a home, you should get one of these bad boys. Very nice.”

The other gear issue is, some of the Warcraft buds have been recruiting for their little Gears of War club. I feel obligated to give you a link for that, although I know everyone has heard about Gears of War by now. Even me, an MMO guy. (Here’s the link, BUT, it does a weird browser-size hijack so watch it: Link)

Problem #1: I do not own an Xbox 360.

Problem #2: I do not own Gears of War.

Problem #3: I am not made of money. I’ll drop half a mortgage on a plasma television that I’ll watch on Sundays, but $400 for one game? I’m balking. How good could this game be?

As I’m researching how much this non-MMORPG adventure would set me back, I browsed past all the Xbox 360 faceplate mods I could buy — I don’t want my Xbox to look like a Chrysler Town & Country, thankyouverymuch — until I spotted this: Pelican’s Design Your Own Faceplate.

I did not even know such a thing was possible. This really appeals to my basest of consumer instincts — now I want the Xbox just so I can have the $30 unique-to-me faceplate.

Or, how bout I turn the tables on that. I’m willing to sell space on my new Xbox faceplate for say … $200. When my neighbors and close friends come over to my home to watch me play Gears of War, your company has a captive audience for your marketing message. That’s value! I’m serving the drinks, I’ll open the Doritos bags, I’m going halfsey on the Xbox + Gears of War, you’re getting prime marketing real estate in my HOME.

For an extra $50, I’ll even comment on the faceplate every hour. “Those guys? Umm, Pennzoil is only the best motor oil on the market today, noob. How do you think those Gears of War keep turning? It’s with fine lubricants like Pennzoil.”

Non-motor oil advertisements are welcome as well.

BEHOLD, the One Ring of Power! No wait … BEHOLD the Xbox 360, Lord of the Game Consoles! DON’T TOUCH IT, be content with basking in its goodness.

Here’s something that was weird: Elijah Wood was a color commentator, or something. WTF? Where did that connection come from?

At a production meeting, did someone say, “We have got to get Elijah Wood for this!” “OMG, CALL HIS PEOPLE!!” (???)

Were they high?

I’m not convinced we need an entire TV special to introduce new products. Isn’t that what commercials are for? Toss Frodo and an Xbox 2 into a 60-second spot, there’s the intro.

I hope MTv runs several encores of the special. I’d like to miss it a couple more times.