(All of this is very NSFW: language, whoring, nudity, sexual content)

Here’s the tale as writ by Draacon:

Good evening. The following story is one that needs to be told, and told through pictures. To keep the site work safe on the main page, the pictures are going to be included in the post below this one. However, I will use this space to ensure that our resident Fluff Girl, Miyavi, gets the due attention she wants & deserves.

Miyavi came to our guild around December 2006. Her boyfriend, Mr. “Chobo” was one of our warriors and had a keen interest in tanking and utilizing his castrati-esque verbal assaults to motivate and move on guild members.

Anyway, Miyavi was a reserved emo chick from California who really kept to herself and to “Chobo.” I tried to talk to her some, get some pictures, add her to the archives, etc. She really resisted for the most part.

Time went on-about a year-and all of the sudden “Chobo” and Miyavi started having some relationship troubles. Miyavi decided it was time to sleep around some, in California, with one of the gentlemen she is friends with, and “Chobo” decided on Feb. 14th, 2008 that it would be time to end things. So, Miyavi was distraught. Her and “Chobo” had talked about marriage, being together, moving him to California (Where she had already flown him twice, on her time, to get his large [you’ll see what I mean in the next post] penis). She didn’t know what to do. She decided, after some internal reflection, that the only viable thing to do was to find someone vulnerable in “Chobo’s” guild and to use them to get back at him.

Enter Korrupted, a guild member from DnT. He was having some shit at home in Arizona and decided that his about year+ of hitting on Miyavi would finally pay off. He started laying it on thick, and Miyavi saw an opportunity. She decided to fly Korrupted out and let him live with her. Around the beginning of March Korrupted arrives and promptly sleeps with Miyavi–less than a month after she cheated and then got dumped by her boyfriend.

Also, it should be noted that Korrupted and “Chobo” were really good friends in the guild.

IP addresses start to show up on the boards, and there were some thoughts that Miyavi and Korrupted are now together. Miyavi decides that she should use the guild picture thread to post some images of her and Korrupted at her apartment, with the guy she cheated on “Chobo” with sitting right next to her.

I, being the inquisitive mind that I am, decide that the time had come. I decided to bring my investigative services to the table and get to the bottom of everything. I called up Korrupted and called him out for what he was a part of. He denied it at first, claiming that it was just a living situation fix. He then came around and referred to Miyavi fucking him as a “bonus” and it was “temporary.”

Miyavi, on the other hand, was getting what she wanted–she was getting more dick, and getting back at “Chobo” who dumped her, because she was a cheating skank.

So, with the help of Mr. Chobo and other individuals in the guild, I present to you. The attention whore, back stabbing skank… Miyavi.

(Foton note: pics are available by hunting around Google, just your standard attention-whore nudie pics.)

In closing, Miyavi, you’re now e-famous; go gargle mayonnaise.

And if you like to hear people lie justify themselves, the epic Ventrilo recordings are preserved on YouTube (also a Google property, thanks Google!)

Ventrilo, part 1
Ventrilo, part 2
Ventrilo, part 3
Ventrilo, part 4
Ventrilo, part 5
Ventrilo, part 6
Ventrilo, part 7
Ventrilo, part 8
Ventrilo, part 9
Ventrilo, part 10
Ventrilo, part 11

Be grateful your guild dodged that attention whore. Or disappointed, cuz that Vent convo was pretty damn entertaining.

Kudos to the D&T people on Vent who weren’t buying Landon and WhateverHerNameWasItSoundedMadeUp’s bullshit.

UPDATE: Bah! User removed YouTube audio files. I was only through Chapter 9, goddamit.

On a positive note, as commenter Feorian has pointed out, DnT restored the thread to the public areas … which is almost as epic as the Ventrilo recordings.

UPDATE 2: And now the thread is registration-only again. Bleh.

UPDATE 3: Like every attention hoe before her, Miyavi can’t look away from her own drama on the DnT boards:
        

Sources for the Vent recordings, because you don’t want to miss a single “whatever!”: File Front (zip format) or Megaupload (.rar format, thanks Quzor!).

Kids, remember to virus-scan everything you find out on the Wild, Wild Internet. I’m not making that up.

UPDATE 4 – Final word: If not for that pesky Client #9 and his whore Kristen, that DnT girl could have been Whore of the Week. Timing is everything, people.

Life Tap: This spell now has only 3 ranks. Each now costs a fixed percentage of maximum health to cast, and grants the same fixed percentage of maximum mana: Rank 1 is 5%, Rank 2 is 12%, and Rank 3 is 20%.

If you don’t pay attention to warlocks other than to curse at or about them, this is huge. Currently, Life Tap converts a fixed quantity of health into mana (e.g. 580 health lifetaps into 580 mana), ergo, warlocks have geared heavily for high hitpoints (+ stamina gear and enchants, donchaknow) and mana pools be damned, they just swap their health into mana and eat babies’ souls. Indeed, even their class armor reflects this fascination with stamina over intellect and mana regeneration — cuz what care they for regen, lifetap isn’t at the mercy of out-of-combat mana rules or potion cooldowns.

It WAS what made warlocks so very deadly, and, so very valuable to raid DPS.

Of course. If that nerf goes live. Not so much. At least for a while until the ‘locks can regear for intellect over stamina. ENJOY!!

It’s like a minigame within the game, just like bag space. Regear for this, regear for that, resist sets are nice too, plus carry all that around in your tiny backpacks of suck.

So I’ve been watching the warlock venom on the Test Realm forums as Blizzard has cycled through multiple adjustments to the nerf because the ‘locks, they be LIVID, and the other classes are enjoying the show, and really … you should not relish another class’ nerf. The Wheel of Nerfs: round and round she goes, where she’ll stop, nobody knows.

Witness: Forum thread – LOCKS DESERVE EVERY SINGLE NERF THEY GET by Naitsirhc, level 64 shadow priest, suspected mage alt, of the Eldre’Thalas realm.

Any class that can drain life and mana is insanely OP, and you guys know it. It was not your fault that this game mechanic continues to exist, but I think every single nerf is warranted and should be applied to BALANCE this crap. And yes I am talking about PvP, I can care less about PvE. I’m sorry to be blunt, but this has gone on for far too freakin long.

The accusation: Reply #2 by Thromgal, level 70 warlock of Kil’jaeden.

You can go ahead and post on your mage.

Which sums up that thread very nicely.

And speaking of a mass exodus, where have all the healers gone?? Long time passing. Long time ago.

That’s rhetorical, I know very well where the healers have gone — away.

I did some faux research on the Healer Exodus of my own WoW realm by reading through all the recruitment threads on the first page — these would be all the recruitment threads that have been /bumped in the last few days, i.e. active recruitment threads.

The Results of my ten-minute research project:

Alliance
10 total recruitment threads
8 seeking healers only, 1 seeking healers + DPS
1 seeking DPS only (lucky dogs)

Horde
5 total recruitment threads
1 seeking healers + DPS
4 seeking DPS only (also lucky)

Some interesting faux facts from my own guild:

Of our raid healing core, only 2 are pre-Burning Crusade healing mains — 1 paladin, 1 priest. A week ago, the count would have been 3 — 2 paladins + that one very dedicated priest, but the one paladin … you might remember him as our paladin man-whore … he left our guild last week.

Quick drama debriefing: Our paladin man-whore left because his latest imaginary game girlfriend abandoned him and started hanging with our other pre-BC paladin (also a man-whore as we discovered), which drove the first man-whore into another emo phase for a few weeks, then he decided “fuck this” and left. Probably to seek other imaginary game girlfriends, who knows. Anyways, this relationship with ManWhore02 and the aforementioned imaginary game girlfriend is really distracting because they are usually fighting, and she’s usually threatening to LEAVE THE SERVER and what do we care if she leaves, she’s not a healer, then ManWhore02 gets upset with the guildmates cuz goddamit we should care but I just want to /gkick the both of them and be done with it. And further, it’s this kind of shit which tempts me to call for a moratorium on guilding female players, my apologies to all the drama-averse female players out there, but can’t people keep their personal lives out of the game and just kill stuff? Crimony!

Anyhow. Except for those two pre-BC healers, the rest of the raid healing core are post-BC healers. I’m hoping they have at least a few months in them before they burn out too.

Ya, I have a lot of hope. I don’t have any resto shaman, but I have a whole lot of hope.

The Raid-

You raid with these people. You work with these people. These people are closer than your family. You should worry.

The GM- He’s sacrificed his health, friends, and probably a couple of jobs to drag you through new content. When the guild isn’t performing, these decisions are in question. Prone to shooting sprees, forum flame wars, and the rapid advancement/gearing of whatever toon the guild “needs”. If you can keep your mouth shut, he’ll go emo and quit before you get gkicked. Still, you do like the guy. Or did. Before he went crazy. See drunks, below.

The GM’s Significant Other- Okay, so he was going to have to quit but he tricked his SO into playing. She loves it. She’s terrible. You’ll effectively 24 man every boss. Count on 4 constructs in the raid, every attempt. She plays a Belf.

The Raid Leader- When you stand in the flames, he dies a little bit inside.

The Heir Apparent- When the GM goes psycho, ninjas the bank, and gdisbands, you’re the guy the guild is gonna look to to to fix the mess. You see it coming. You can’t decide if ritual suicide or being the new gm would be more painful.

The Positive Officer- That was great. Just great. You know, only 5% of guilds have even made it to Supremus, and getting him down to 67% on the second attempt is hawt. See Stoners, below.

The Negative Officer- Jesus Christ why are there corpses under all these goddamn volcanoes? It’s Supremus for %@*@’s sake. GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN FLAME! See Drunks, below.

The Healing Officer- Has this job because, as the newest officer who plays a healer, he’s stuck with it.

The Hunter Class Lead- Will tell you that it does actually require skill and preparation to play a hunter well in the end game. Lies frequently.

Metermaid- He’s got meters running. Always. Asks for meter postage whenever he’s in the top 5, which is rare, as his focus on the meters is preventing him from seeing the volcano he’s pathing towards. Pulls aggro. Has yet to realize that 0 health returns 0 dps. If he’s healing, you might as well just put him on raid, he’s gonna heal them anyway.

Stratman- Has read every strategy on the entire internet for every boss. Unable to think critically. Knows where his talk key is. Hated by the officers. Likely to play a hunter or mage. If this is also Chick With Accent, below, guild will probably collapse.

The Gay Guy- Affects the gay accent for effect. Upgrade decisions tend to involve lengthy discussions about gear appearance. Learned to use the dressing room function before the v key.

The Stay At Home Mom- She’s around children all day and craves adult conversation. Babbles incessantly in vent, forgetting that adult conversation doesn’t usually begin with, “So I was talking to (insert name of four-year-old child) and he says …” Well liked, but frequently muted.

Mr. Mikeless- Has a microphone. Hears the conversation and directions. Once wiped the raid because he started talking and most folks alt-tabbed to see who the hell was speaking. May be your best player.

The Kid- So, you messed up on this guy’s interview and nobody noticed that he was 12. But, he can play. And if he gets a little bit excited when boobies are getting talked about? Hey, he’s young.

The Backbone- Plays a tank. Doesn’t have much to say. Made an error once in SSC, or so you heard. Will disconnect when Gorefiend is at 30% and keep aggro while offline for the rest of the fight. Has never said anything negative to the healers. Ever. GL with your progression without one of these. Hates the prima donnas.

The Other kid- Remember that accountant you interviewed for the fury warrior position? And how you wondered how he’d make time to raid during tax season? He couldn’t. His eleven year old daughter took over about that time. She’s been raiding since. Mages, that’s an eleven year-old girl owning you night after night.

The Hunter Who Doesn’t Do His Homework- Always good for insightful commentary and clever observation just after a wipe. “Holy Crap Man! I was just standing and shooting and this damn VOLCANO popped on me! When did they put in those volcanoes?”

The Prophet- Kept insisting that you were going to need a melee group for BT, despite the fact hat melee was dreadful for SSC/BT. Badgered the management until they broke. Plays a rogue. Shreds. Loved by the Most Devout.

The Most Devout- This is the guy who gets to play an off-spec in a big-boy raid. He’s the fury warrior or the enhance shammy. He cannot believe that some fate is letting him have this much fun that he’s afraid it will all come crashing down. Prays devoutly to his favorite diety that the guild won’t collapse because he’ll never have THIS much fun again. Ever.

The Drunks- The core of your guild. As raid progresses, their voices in vent are getting just ever so slightly slurred. You don’t notice because you’re trying to sound sober yourself. DPS output seems to scale positively with blood alcohol content.

The Stoners- Quietly wiping raids since the beta. They really, really, really hate having to move out of the fire. Two of them are dead under the volcanoes. They live in fear of the negative officer. They have their own channel. Try /join (insertguildname)stoners. You’ll see who’s in there. It’ll explain a lot. Still, if these guys don’t show, bosses don’t seem to actually die. They’re also having more fun that everyone else combined.

The Prima Donna- Requires special attention from management. Constantly whining. Plays some vital role. Might be a main tank, mage tank, or lock tank. The officers really hate this guy and as soon as they can find another tank with 24,000 buffed HP, he’s out. Not a stoner.

The Chick with the Accent- Is the accent fake? Nobody knows or cares. Future visits to Australia/Britian/New Zealand/Alabama are now planned by all single raid members.

The Healing Pallie- Hates healing and had to go holy to see endgame. If you raid with a boomkin, a feral druid, a fury warrior, or any non-resto shaman, you are not getting a 10 minute blessing. Forget it. He hates you. God help you if he has a raid-viable alt in one of those classes; you’re not even getting heals. Also, see Prima Donna.

The Departed Legend- You joined after he left. You suspect that he could not actually solo Doomwalker. But you’re not totally sure.

The Disgruntled Raider- Took an unannounced, extended vacation and now has to share his raid spot with the other 11 extra dps. Very angry about this situation. Doesn’t realize that ##@#*ing is making things worse. Officers pray for a gquit.

The Warlock Whisperer- Directionally challenged. Despite having run Karazhan 1.26 million times, will require a summon to Maiden’s room from the entrance. Has a “summon pls” macro. Strangely, is good at moving away from volcanoes. See (you guessed it) Stoners.

The New Guy- Begins most sentences with, “That’s not how we did it in my old guild on Korgath.” Likely to remain guilded for approximately one week. You wonder if he’ll be tellign his next guild, “In my old guild, we ran TOWARDS the volcanoes.

Note: I read a similar archetype post couple years ago, when I first started raiding. It altered the way I viewed raiding forever after and I’ve tended to think of my guildies along these terms since.

We had a “Chick with the Accent” in our guild recently. I’ll use the word charming because this is a family blog. But lemme tell ya, after a few battlegrounds and raids, it wasn’t so charming.

She left recently to follow her game boyfriend (who I suspect is married to another woman IRL but I never said anything because it’s frankly none of my business), they went to another guild because he decided he hated our guild.

That was cool though — those two were the types who screenshot every single game conversation to prove whatever secret agenda they had that day. Was really annoying to get their screenshots all the time in my email about how Soandso disrespected them or Whosit was mean to their friend.

Despite the (formerly) charming accent, habitual convo screenshotters mean one thing to me: DRAMA WHORES. They are to be avoided at all costs, and, for your own safety, do not send them any /tells.

1. Holidays. Duh.
2. Traveling for the holidays.
3. Finished a major project at work. Ka-ching!
4. Traveling for work. Bleh.
5. Updated the blog software and ruined the site … on New Year’s Day while VERY hung over. That was fun.
6. Told 1/3 of our World of Warcraft guild membership to GTFO of our guild. We realized it was more efficient to have them type /gquit then go down the list and /gkick. Really saved a lot of time.
7. Explained on Vent that we really did mean it.
8. No. Seriously. GTFO.

Here’s the thing. Every goddamn year around Christmas time, raiding guilds go through this period where people are traveling or spending time with their families or both, cuz THAT’S WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO. So, of course, the raiding (read: the loot train) slows down or grinds to a halt, only to pick up again after the holidays have passed. And every goddamn year, there’s a group of players who begin to panic when the loot train isn’t chugging down the tracks. “Are we disbanding?” “Will we raid again?” “This guild is dead!!”

Fercrissakes, it’s two weeks out of the year and these losers can’t wait for people to get back to their computers.

So our officers told the losers not to panic, and, after the holidays, they’d see, everything would be back to normal.

Apparently, losers don’t have access to calendars, and in their world, the holidays are over December 26th. Therefore, they had been more than patient by waiting until January 1st to start issuing ultimatums like … replacing our long-serving officers and giving King Loser the guildleader rank. (Riiight.)

See #5 above. I was trying to put out a fire on Ye Olde Blog while alt-tabbed at the PVP lounge and those sonuvabitches are complaining because we’re not in Serpentshrine Cavern and goddammit, turn over that guildleader tag and give them admin rights to all the web resources and the Ventrilo server so they can get to it.

The officers said, “So go raid SSC, nothing stopping you.” And indeed, they were welcome to raid SSC, there was nothing stopping them.

Not good enough. They wanted the raid leader to stop playing his alt and lead the raid; they wanted me to stop screwing around at the PVP battlemasters and heal the raid on my priest alt; and pretty much everyone to stop what they’re doing for a good old-fashioned New Year’s Day raid in Serpentshrine Cavern.

It was one of those super-rare moments when everyone’s temper blows at once. In short, every single officer online issued a “GTFO” (or some variation thereof), and me, late to the party, added my GTFO on Ventrilo … y’know, for the illiterate in the audience.

Those that GTFO are now on their third post-Foton guild.

9. Remember that one chick in my guild who plays the same class as me, and, she and her imaginary guild boyfriend always hassled me — more accurately, passively aggressively hassled me — about rolling/bidding on any loot ever that she might want? They left. Server transferred to another server where her dude had a real life friend in a Black Temple guild. He’s the one guy in all of gaming who has a worse personality online than out in the world. We were all (secretly) glad to see them leave.

Guess that didn’t work out though because they’re unguilded now. BIG surprise.

10. I PVP’d ALOT. Mostly Eye of the Storm. As you might recall, Alterac Valley is dead on my battlegroup, but I tried AV out a few times to see if it was still dead. Take a look.

This one was outrageous too:

A screenshot demonstrating the sieve-like qualities of the Stormpike graveyard:

That was actually a fun Alterac Valley. No wait. It wasn’t. Made a good screenshot tho.

11. Leveled up a couple of alts, mostly for PVP fun, and took them to Alterac Valley to see if the other brackets are as stupid as the level 70 AV. Surprisingly, no. And I’ll say here, if your battlegroup’s Horde aren’t winning every single AV except late at night when they all fall asleep at the keyboard, your Horde aren’t doing it right.
12. Chuckled at the AV changes coming in Patch 2.4. Whatever. It’s much too late. Patch 2.3 was released 11/13/2007 so that’s 3 months (and counting) of Horde 3 medals plus 500-ish+ bonus honor per versus Alliance one medal + 0-ish bonus honor per. On my battlegroup at least … and almost all the others now. No way that gear gap will have a lasting effect. No way.
13. Shelved my level 70 priest alt, probably for good, but at least until Wrath of the Lich King’s gear reset. And I mean SHELVED. Emptied the mailbox, burned the transmute timers, shipped out the gold and primo mats to my rogue, and wrote a short retirement post for the guild boards. And I’ll tell you the reasons why.

As healers burnt out, we were relying more and more on my priest to pick up the healing slack, which was the purpose of my priest alt, yes, but I figure I’ve put in my time and we were never going to stop leaning on my priest until I called a halt to it. So I did.

But also, I confirmed in my own mind what I suspected when The Burning Crusade went live: priests are not the foundation on which to build a guild’s healing strategy anymore. I’ll go so far as to say that guilds should bring ONE priest on raids for the buffs, shadow-spec preferred, and round out the raid healing with paladins primarily + druids and shaman.

You might disagree, many in my guild do.

(And NO! I do NOT want Blizzard to nerf paladins … or druids or shaman. Toss the priests a bone and stop yammering about Lightwell, you twits.)

14. Attracted another anonymous game stalker who hates me and my guild and can’t stop posting about his hate on the official World of Warcraft boards from the safety of his level-nothing posting alt.

I promise you this: I am going to find out who that motherfucker is and then I’m going to call him on his bullshit.

Meanwhile, his drama posts are becoming ever more shrill since we (the royal guild we) all refuse to take his bait.

15. Did some thinking about server transferring. My realm is low/medium population, guild recruitment is a bitch lemmetellya, and as you know, my battlegroup is awful. It’s not just the AV thing, our Alliance has some truly terrible PVPers — disheartened PVPers, always-AFK PVPers, and stupid, very very stoopid PVPers, hunters who never trap, warlocks who never fear, paladins who think they have Hammers of Glory, rogues who can’t afford poisons, the list is endless. Sad.

On the other hand, it’s a great realm for leveling alts or farming mat(erial)s.

Still thinking on that, but if you have a realm recommendation, by all means, speak up.

16. STILL haven’t received a Warhammer Online beta invite. Those bastards.
17. Holy crap, that was a lot of spam email, phishing and keyloggers!
18. Realized that procrastinating blogly administrative chores for a month isn’t such a great idea. I mean, why can’t the internet tend to itself for a few weeks? I don’t know. It just won’t.
19. Our guild paladin man-whore MADE us guild invite his latest game love interest. She promptly dumped him and took up with another paladin in the guild. How long until this blows up in our face? (Y’know, more so than it already has.) I’m going to guess two weeks, tops.

So we all have THAT to look forward to.

and 20. I discovered a place on the public World of Warcraft forums where no man, woman or child should dare tread: the battlegroup forums.

If you’ve never been, it’s worse than you can imagine, and if you have been, it’s worse than you remember.

I’ve been trying to recover ever since my gruesome discovery. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Author Tockaray introduces us to druid Elluna, destroyer of guilds:

In retrospect, she literally destroyed the guild I had been in for almost 2 years. The funny thing is, though, is that I hadn’t even realized what she was doing until it was far, far too late. Sure, she’d cause petty drama once in awhile, but never anything serious. Once in awhile there’d be an epeen contest over who could get more of her attention …, and she loved it, but they dissipated quickly. For the most part, she was just your average, everyday e-whore. She’d enter conversations with a “Tee Hee ^_^” or make a random “EEEEP!” sound on vent just to get attention. She was overly obsessed with how her character looked, and was constantly the center of most of the “lol i saw u in IF and we danced ^_^” discussions. I’m sure many of you have seen her kind before.

I WISH I hadn’t seen her kind before.

(Thanks to emailer Bizz for bird dogging this thread.)

So I guess that didn’t work out (shocking), and our man-whore paladin moved on to other female gamers, eventually landing on (pun!) a female paladin in our guild.

Now, this gal was an interesting character. Friendly, outgoing, and a reasonably skilled player (that’s code for “kinda sucked, but not enough to get kicked”). After about a week of guild membership, she’s comfortable enough with us to reveal more of her personality, which is somewhat clever sexual innuendos and occasional bawdiness. Who doesn’t love bawdy? I love bawdy, I’ll bet you do too.

Un-for-tun-ate-ly, one of the consequences of a female gamer working bawdy humor is unwanted attention. I saw a few things in /guildchat that gave me pause, and I wondered if it bothered her, but she would carry on like there was no harm. Cool, because I hate policing the guild.

Then, late winter 2007, we had this huge guild meeting in Ventrilo. Planned agenda: the future, namely raiding, recruiting, downsizing (that was my agenda item because goddamn, we were just TOO BIG for a max 25-man raid scheme), and restructuring of guild leadership. Actual agenda: airing of grievances.

One of those grievances, which took up AN HOUR OF DISCUSSION TIME, was that bawdy paladin girl didn’t appreciate the similarly bawdy (my opinion) comments made in return. Summarized: she didn’t like the inappropriate comments made to her and the guild dudes often stepped over the (invisible) line when talking to her. And of course, the gentlemen officership expressed GREAT ALARM and rushed to comfort her while scolding the rest of us. Truly, most of us knew exactly who she was probably talking about — the suspects had tried to initiate outrageous conversations with other guild women in the past, however, when rebuffed, the suspects had ceased and never bothered those women again.

Isn’t that ok? It is in my opinion. Someone says something that someone else doesn’t want to talk about, the someone else says stop, and the offensive someone stops. Another crisis averted!

So, I asked her, who are we talking about, and did you ask them to stop? And, of course, as is the way of modern times, she doesn’t want to say who it is, and yes she did ask him/them to stop and he/they didn’t. Christ. I really hate that. Some dude(s) is sexually harassing her or borderline harassing and she won’t say who. How are we supposed to deal with that? Here’s how we did deal with that: Hey guys, don’t sexually harass anyone. Kthx!

Talk about an edict with no teeth. (I mean, duh?)

She seemed satisfied and the meeting crawled forward.

Few weeks after that, there’s this new level 65-ish druid in the guild and I asked the officers why in the hell were we recruiting new people when we’re already obese with members, and further, why in the hell were we inviting low levels?? Oh, that’s the bawdy paladin’s real life husband.

!!!

She really kept that a secret. Not that married people aren’t bawdy, but usually they mention their spouse at least ONCE.

Their game relationship was somewhat unusual, too — they never played together, hardly spoke to each other, and his presence didn’t curtail the bawdiness one bit. I appreciated that, because I love bawdy. I’ll bet you do too.

Another thing his presence didn’t curtail, her private Ventrilo sessions with whomever was her favored guildmember of the month. Interesting.

Fast forward a month, and she announced to the guild that she was getting a divorce. (I believe that was our 2nd or 3rd real life divorce.) Also interesting.

Shortly after her announcement, the mutineers and I jumped ship and started our own guild. We offered to take her aboard, but she’s one of those guild teases — ya I’ll join, I can’t join just yet, no I won’t join, ask me tomorrow, for sure I’ll join next week, seriously I’ll join tomorrow night after raids, etc. etc. until we just don’t give a shit anymore. Last I heard, she couldn’t join because her guild boyfriend (real life boyfriend now) hated us. Another interesting. That guy wasn’t even in our old guild two months ago! Girl moves fast.

Back to our man-whore paladin. He was done with HunterSister because she was crazy. She was different, I’d grant him that. A divorced woman in her mid-30s who digs horses, and fairies (the fantasy kind, not … well, you know.), and glitter, and sometimes her Myspace had tears raining down the page with motivational messages like “believe in your woman-ness” and “everywhere is LOVE, LOVE, LOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!” or something, and she hearts puppies and kittens and babies and lip gloss too! You don’t find that every day … in someone over the age of 13.

Until she deleted her Myspace after ANOTHER bad breakup, it was a good source of regular entertainment. She had this predictable cycle where she’d be single and looking for the perfect man who she just knows is out there (her words) and she’d have a photo with some skin — not too much (as if), just some. Then, she’d be IN A RELATIONSHIP and the photo would go to less skin, like a turtleneck and jeans, and she’s so lucky to have this guy. Then oh noes, the tears would rain down her page and she’d post some blog about not trusting men because they’re all liars and the cycle would start all over again.

My theory, then and now, is that all these guys would get frightened away by the doll and model horse collections she must have all over her apartment. I walk into some house with dolls and model horses all over and I walk right back out. My line in the sand, no doll or model horse collections.

Anyways, our man-whore paladin ran away, probably trampling several other guys also fleeing.

Now I used to think our man-whore was a stable individual, but then he started doing this routine: he’d log on a few hours before raids, he’d run around doing daily quests or whatever, then he’d get in a snit over some offhand remark in /guildchat and log off — sometimes he’d be gone for days, sulking, I assumed. He’d come back (maybe after intense therapy or multiple listens to a My Chemical Romance CD, who knows), he’d raid normally and joke around, and then one day, back to snits and sulking offline. A grown man sulking, that can’t be attractive.

In between the sulking, he told one of the guildmates that he and bawdy paladin were boyfriend girlfriend or dating or really close (in real life, tyvm) and he might join her guild or she his guild (i.e. my guild — and suuuure she will) and ISN’T LIFE GRAND!!

How lucky was that guild going to be to have the two of them? DAMN lucky.

Sooo. You know how these things work out with the … undiagnosed. Not well. And soon after them being really close (and you know “really close” is just code for screwing but no time to add guassian blur to sappy photos), there was trouble in paradise and she went back to her prior game/real life boyfriend and he went back to his true loves, My Chemical Romance and sulking.

Now this is what we wonder: who exactly is the whack job in these scenarios? I’m not so sure anymore.

But here’s a scarier thought: maybe he’s the one with the doll and model horse collections. Think about it.

Remember that one dude who was guildleader of (yet another) guild that hates my guild and he claimed he got hacked and/or keylogged and, what a world! what a world!, their phat guildbank is gone and they might have to start whoring themselves for a living to survive in Le World of Warcraft? Well … whoring more, if that were at all possible. (Link if you need a refresher.)

So, he had tried for a few weeks to prop up his “I’ve been HACKED! and/or KEYLOGGED!” story for a week or two on my realm forums, and of course all of us were doing the “uh huh, sure”, and his guildmates were licking ass and telling us haters to stfu. And then, suddenly, he dropped off the face of the Earth.

A month went by without a word from him to his guildmates. We know this because we’d politely inquire of his guildmates and they said they hadn’t heard from him in weeks.

(That’s not suspicious at all. No way.)

And so, after weeks of no communication, his guildmates scattered to the winds and transferred to different servers or joined other raiding guilds, like mine, and that one dude became just a story we told our younger members who, often times, take every game character at face value.

Last week, some of our members got tells from “That One Dude” and he explained that he did get his account back from Blizzard after an EXHAUSTIVE investigation and he had server transferred and changed his character name. (As you do.) Despite several direct inquiries, he refused to disclose his new name or server … because “he didn’t want all that drama to follow him”, and he wished everyone well or something ridiculous like that.

Are these the actions of an innocent character? Several of his former guildmates think thought so.

So. Being the fucking guerilla master that I am, I resolve to get to the bottom of this cuz I’m tired of being labeled a hater cuz I won’t swallow bullshit.

Fortunately for me, some of his friends ratted out the thieving bastard and named the new server, and again fortunately for me, he’s as stupid as he is dishonest and he renamed his character similarly, although not quite searchable without more info, thereby saving me several hours (days) of fruitless hunting. Ba da bing, I have the server, I have the name, and now, thanks armory!, I have the guild.

And with the guild, which has forums, and a searchable member list with join dates, I now have the date he first expressed an interest in this other guild on a server far, far away from his own guild — a date one week prior to the day he claimed that he was HACKED! and/or KEYLOGGED! Why … it’s almost as if he planned the whole thing.

Ya’know, it’s almost not fair how smart I am compared to the average gamer. It’s like I’m that Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court and I can frighten the superstitious populace with my superior knowledge of a solar eclipse. It’s magic, be afraid!

It’s interesting to me how otherwise (mostly) honest people assume a fake name in a game, and sometimes a fake personality, and their dishonest, thieving nature comes to light. It’s doubly interesting that there’s always apologists and hive minds to defend them. His original story didn’t even make sense and yet, there they were, buzzing around his level one posting alt calling the rest of us jealous haters.

The things some players will do, the things they will believe, all for loot — future loot, the hope of loot, the fond memory of past loot — that’s the magic.

Tomorrow: Meh, I ran out of time to tell you about the continuing woes of hunter sister and our man-whore paladin. I’ll save that one for tomorrow, plus … BabbleOn is back!! She’s still not speaking to us. Yet.

In the blog dream I had published the final, The End, post on AFK Gamer. I walked away, went about my business for a few days and then realized that I had messed it up — my facts were wrong, I didn’t remember the drama sequence properly, and I had come off as the worst kind of noob … a level 70 with NO IDEA what their class is all about. Think: a 70 rogue with spirit and +spell damage gear. Cloth. As I recall, I even posted screenshots of the +spirit robe I was wearing.

I hope to never have such a dream again.

To head off any future blog nightmares, here’s the final story I told — this time, done properly:

Remember back in April when I scurried off to play Lord of the Rings Online and I was happy there and enjoying my time exploring and collecting stupid titles like Fur-Cutter and FOE OF NIGHT? Ya, I remember it too. Fondly.

Well, late June of this year my guild started wailing and gnashing their teeth: they’re struggling with former-farm raid content in Burning Crusade, the figurehead guildleader hasn’t been seen for weeks, we neeeeeeeeed you!!!!!! I know, that last part surprised me too. I’m not the greatest player, I’m certainly not the nicest, I’ve never been a model guildmember or server citizen and most damning, I’m a rogue. Please. No guild NEEDS a rogue. Can’t swing a dead cat in World of Warcraft without hitting 20 or more rogue former-mains.

I largely ignored the pleas. I was happy and entertained in LOTRO, dammit.

Then, WoW lifted the attunement/key requirements for Serpentshrine Cavern and TK: The Eye and it wasn’t so bad to pull new raiders into a guild. Gear them up a bit, get their feet wet with the Aran+ Karazhan, Gruul’s and Magtheridon … in a week’s time, you have a fresh batch of raiders. Which you’d need, by the way, to replace the burnt-out raiders.

Thinks me, I can help out the old WoW guild a couple nights a week and the other gaming days I can still assist Aragorn in LOTRO where I’m entertained and happy.

My dream of a two-night a week commitment to WoW died that first week. My former raid guild, a glorious and powerful thing, was in shambles. Painfully blunt, we were a raiding joke. Although we were never the top raiding guild on my server, we were the close second for quite a while, and, perfectly positioned to overtake the lead.

And yet, here they were, wiping on former farm content repeatedly and barely squeaking out a kill before the night ended.

So, the few, the proud, the LOTRO-people returned to World of Warcraft to shore up the leaking ship and repair a few months of neglect.

When we returned (triumphantly!) to Warcraft, it was my opinion that our guild’s largest problem was the same problem that had plagued us for months and months in the pre-Burning Crusade world. My guild, pre-raiding and pre-Foton, was formed from a small circle of EverQuest friends (not mine, other EQ people). They read the writing on the wall, as we all did, and the writing was this: You will raid or you will be doomed to clear UBRS and Scholomance and Stratholme (dead and alive) forever and ever and ever.

They’re EQ hags, they know how this story ends, you start raiding. So they allied with another similar-sized guild and began the assault on Le Molten Core, and they hired other EQ hags (me & friends) and other wanna-start raiding WoW players and POOF! it was a raiding guild.

However, the guild had dual personalities: the newer gun-ho raiding guildmembers and the more casual founding members — let’s call them the good ole boys.

So you may understand my bias and perspective, I was one of the gun-ho raiders. The guild officership was the “good ole boys”, except for the raid leader who was one of the hired guns and was awarded #2 in guild power, because shit, even burnt-out EQ hags know that raiding pays the bills. (i.e. plumps the guild bank, fuels recruiting, provides a common goal.)

And to everyone’s credit, we did a remarkable job of living in the same guild: the good ole boys gave raiders sufficient latitude to do our jobs, and we made room for the casual omg-we-logged-on-once-invite-us founders in our raids. We were respectful of the name they gave us and they were respectful of the name we made for them. Each one of us knew this wouldn’t … couldn’t … last forever, although it did last for one and a half years, nearly an enternity in game time.

Pre-Burning Crusade, every once in a while, one of the good ole boys would log on after an extended absence and /gu “Hey everyone! I’m back!! Can I get an invite?” and the guildmembers would check the roster and /whisper the other raiders, “umm, who is that and why is he an officer?”. Mostly I would /shrug in response, but sometimes I’d explain that it was one of the founding members itchin’ to take The General Lee for a spin through Hazzard County.

Occasionally the frequently offline founders would make a play to explain how raiding worked in EverQuest — which was sad — but I figured they were just trying to help when Nefarian was chewing off our balls. (And he did, for weeks.)

Enter The Burning Crusade. We leveled, we geared up, we got Karazhan keyed, we entered said mansion of trash and now we can see that raiding in the post-BC world is a different animal entirely. Personality and precisely timed Ventrilo humor will no longer see us through. We, the raiding core, brought up this topic several times to the more casual good ole boys: BC raiding is going to require increased commitment from us all, we’ll need to promote some new officers and hire some new talent.

DENIED, DENIED and if we ask again DENIED.

We had an officers’ meeting in Ventrilo and duked it out — we need X, Y, Z and AA in the guild to move forward. The officers agreed in principle by a vote of 100%. The sole good ole boy officer online brought the propositions to the good ole boy guildleader. The propositions were thus: new officers (additional or replacements) and restored powers to the raid leader (his guild authorities, e.g. kick, invite, promotion, had been reduced in BC). Ya, two propositions agreed to by the full majority of officers who still played World of Warcraft.

DENIED. Oh ya, ALSO DENIED.

Not outright denied, but watered-down to denied. Hell, we were still stomping through content, we were still knocking back first kills, what’s our hurry? Me, I didn’t have any hurry, I was gonna dabble in LOTRO and enjoy the peace and quiet. And I did.

And while I was enjoying that peace and quiet in LOTRO, they crash-and-burned my guild. They damn near turned it into a feeder guild. Second tier raiding guild would have been a kind description. But across a message board and into another world, the gnashing of teeth reached the raiders’ ears, and we answered the call. (After the attunement bullshit was lifted. We’re not heroes, fcs, but we did answer a call of duty.)

We returned to World of Warcraft and saw the same problems that had plagued us pre-Burning Crusade and decided that finally, before any of us lifted a finger to rebuild and restore the former luster, those problems would be solved. You need us? We need this.

And before you judge me harshly, before you call me Fletcher Christian, we spent a week of nights on Ventrilo with the founders (those who would log on) trying to reach a compromise. We didn’t ask for the sun and moon, we only asked for additional officer representation from daily/near-daily raiders and we wanted a new appointment for guildleader. Prefer the raid leader, but we’ll take any active guildmember with a cooler temperament. Y’know, someone, almost anyone, who would LOG ON a few times a week.

I’m rationalizing, but in my mind, it was just this simple: I’m not buckling down and committing to a guild rebuild/restore, I’m not taking for better and for worse unless I have some assurances that the raiding core will have all … the authority? the powers? … to do what was necessary.

Not rationalizing, I knew I had the raiding core in our corner, ready to leave if necessary, determined to leave if those demands couldn’t be compromised. In fact, the raiding core was BEGGING to leave, to be free of the same old political bullshit that had plagued us for over a year. (I think the good ole boy guildleader wasn’t logging on much while the raiding core was futzing around in LOTRO cuz Raiding Makes You Think and Gives You Wrinkles. Just a guess.)

I hatched the escape plan, I think, shortly after the DENIED. It was BEFORE a guildmate copy-pasted a private message where one of the good ole boys told another guildmate he’d rather show the raiding core the door than “kowtow” to our “ridiculous” demands. Cuz that shit just sealed the deal.

No, my idea was hatched after the denial was assured and I discovered that our principal officer roadblock would be offline for a week — the ONLY good ole boy who played regularly would be gone, out of here, for a week.

That’s when I first thought mutiny.

(To Be Continued … Marooned!)

Now, the next time you think Foton is wrong about everyone on your server being a complete whackjob except for MAYBE ten, eleven people, I want you to return to this screenshot and remind yourself of the many flavors of stupid.

Meanwhile, back on my own server of stupid, remember the Guild That Hates My Guild who lost their guildbank to a two-time guildbank thief? (Here it is: The School of Hard Knocks in Session)

Well, they had been taking some heat lately for game drama and guild drama, and unfortunately for them, they’re too damn stupid to tell their own guildmates to keep their damn mouths shut so, of course, every last person knew of their troubles and was very entertained by it all. Including me.

And so, it is with some awe and mild surprise that I can report their guildbank has been stolen AGAIN, in another server-transfer and run scam — this time by the guildleader, whose e-friends and asslicking guild loyalists are trying to play this off as a hack job.

Hacked or fooled twice, which is the greater stupid?

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Contrary to what you might assume or believe, I am the GM of Dirty Sons of Liches (look me up in the armory if you doubt it) and the only remaining founder. The guild is a little over a year old, my days as GM is about to end and I need someone to take over for me.

As you might know, Gilgamesh is my wife in real life and has placed a significant amount of work into the guild and people are likely to respond why not give it to her. The primary reason is I intend to gkick her from the guild when I return home from work tonight.

As it turns out playing wow isn’t the only thing she likes to do in her free time. I hear that she is often very friendly over ventrilo…very friendly.

With that said, I have decided not to disband the guild- the guild deserves to live on. I would like to just give it away….for free. Website, DKP, everything.

Whats the catch?

Simple really, I need some information. I want to know EVERYTHING. Considering Gilgamesh doesnt work, and I pay for everything, I have access to everything. Name your virtual price.

Visit http://www.dirtysonsofliches.com/ for my contact information.

Thank you very much and happy hunting.

Holy crimony.

Many (most?) of us have seen similar in our guilds and games, but rarely do you see such … publicity, and by the wounded party no less. Let’s call him the petitioner, because we know that’s where this is going. (Somewhere there’s a judge about to get an intro into the underbelly of online society. She did what? Where? People do that?)

Reply #21 by the petitioner:

I also wanted to add, if you think you were the only guy that got to have some “Private Time” with my wife because you are special…you are wrong. There are 3 that I know of.

I don’t want this information so I can “Track People Down” or do anything at all. I just want to have closure and move on with my life. And in this process I hope to be able to make something good out of it- and if that means I need to give away several thousand gold or guild bank items it seems like a very small price to pay.

I dunno. If you’re an Onyxia pixel humper, I hope you’re a rogue IRL and can stealth to and from work.

And finally, reply #275 (page #14) by the petitioner, apparently this isn’t the first incident … big surprise there:

Just to clarify some things. We were in counseling as this happened. Ironically because she had done this in the past on a different server and it was something I was still trying to deal with. One guy she told me about the other I found out on my own.

Gilgamesh was the love of my life. She was everything to me, I am sorry that I could not give her everything she needed. But as she explains, I made her do this.

I work between 30-80 hours a week, when i get home its not uncommon for me to cook dinner for us around 10pm and watch her eat as she “Runs The Guild”. Often times I am too tired and just drink beer.

I don’t want this post to sound as if I am trying to validate what I have done here. But rather to ensure that I never allow myself to be subjected to my own blind faith and devotion.

She took my escape from reality, twisted it, and made it real. Now I have done the same. Perhaps she did not feel what she was doing was cheating. I wonder when she reads this if she will differentiate the between fantasy and reality then.

Bonus! An Onyxia paparazzo snapped some screenies of private conversations between an ALLEGED pixel humper and other guildmates in reply #298 (page 15).

Additional resources: Encyclopedia of Demeter – Gilgamesh Drama, including links to cited materials, additional media and fan club information.

I can add to that. Best Gilgamesh post, in hindsight:

I MISS YOU CHUBBY!! Ony is just not the same now without all you guys

Obviously.

(Good work, Ohsnap. Way to snoop out the epic drama!)

UPDATE: Oh no! As anticipated, the forum thread got killed! But not before I archived the entertaining material in Furl. I’ll post SS’s to Flickr tomorrow (or whenever Furl is functioning again) … for the lolligaggers.