(All of this is very NSFW: language, whoring, nudity, sexual content)

Here’s the tale as writ by Draacon:

Good evening. The following story is one that needs to be told, and told through pictures. To keep the site work safe on the main page, the pictures are going to be included in the post below this one. However, I will use this space to ensure that our resident Fluff Girl, Miyavi, gets the due attention she wants & deserves.

Miyavi came to our guild around December 2006. Her boyfriend, Mr. “Chobo” was one of our warriors and had a keen interest in tanking and utilizing his castrati-esque verbal assaults to motivate and move on guild members.

Anyway, Miyavi was a reserved emo chick from California who really kept to herself and to “Chobo.” I tried to talk to her some, get some pictures, add her to the archives, etc. She really resisted for the most part.

Time went on-about a year-and all of the sudden “Chobo” and Miyavi started having some relationship troubles. Miyavi decided it was time to sleep around some, in California, with one of the gentlemen she is friends with, and “Chobo” decided on Feb. 14th, 2008 that it would be time to end things. So, Miyavi was distraught. Her and “Chobo” had talked about marriage, being together, moving him to California (Where she had already flown him twice, on her time, to get his large [you’ll see what I mean in the next post] penis). She didn’t know what to do. She decided, after some internal reflection, that the only viable thing to do was to find someone vulnerable in “Chobo’s” guild and to use them to get back at him.

Enter Korrupted, a guild member from DnT. He was having some shit at home in Arizona and decided that his about year+ of hitting on Miyavi would finally pay off. He started laying it on thick, and Miyavi saw an opportunity. She decided to fly Korrupted out and let him live with her. Around the beginning of March Korrupted arrives and promptly sleeps with Miyavi–less than a month after she cheated and then got dumped by her boyfriend.

Also, it should be noted that Korrupted and “Chobo” were really good friends in the guild.

IP addresses start to show up on the boards, and there were some thoughts that Miyavi and Korrupted are now together. Miyavi decides that she should use the guild picture thread to post some images of her and Korrupted at her apartment, with the guy she cheated on “Chobo” with sitting right next to her.

I, being the inquisitive mind that I am, decide that the time had come. I decided to bring my investigative services to the table and get to the bottom of everything. I called up Korrupted and called him out for what he was a part of. He denied it at first, claiming that it was just a living situation fix. He then came around and referred to Miyavi fucking him as a “bonus” and it was “temporary.”

Miyavi, on the other hand, was getting what she wanted–she was getting more dick, and getting back at “Chobo” who dumped her, because she was a cheating skank.

So, with the help of Mr. Chobo and other individuals in the guild, I present to you. The attention whore, back stabbing skank… Miyavi.

(Foton note: pics are available by hunting around Google, just your standard attention-whore nudie pics.)

In closing, Miyavi, you’re now e-famous; go gargle mayonnaise.

And if you like to hear people lie justify themselves, the epic Ventrilo recordings are preserved on YouTube (also a Google property, thanks Google!)

Ventrilo, part 1
Ventrilo, part 2
Ventrilo, part 3
Ventrilo, part 4
Ventrilo, part 5
Ventrilo, part 6
Ventrilo, part 7
Ventrilo, part 8
Ventrilo, part 9
Ventrilo, part 10
Ventrilo, part 11

Be grateful your guild dodged that attention whore. Or disappointed, cuz that Vent convo was pretty damn entertaining.

Kudos to the D&T people on Vent who weren’t buying Landon and WhateverHerNameWasItSoundedMadeUp’s bullshit.

UPDATE: Bah! User removed YouTube audio files. I was only through Chapter 9, goddamit.

On a positive note, as commenter Feorian has pointed out, DnT restored the thread to the public areas … which is almost as epic as the Ventrilo recordings.

UPDATE 2: And now the thread is registration-only again. Bleh.

UPDATE 3: Like every attention hoe before her, Miyavi can’t look away from her own drama on the DnT boards:
        

Sources for the Vent recordings, because you don’t want to miss a single “whatever!”: File Front (zip format) or Megaupload (.rar format, thanks Quzor!).

Kids, remember to virus-scan everything you find out on the Wild, Wild Internet. I’m not making that up.

UPDATE 4 – Final word: If not for that pesky Client #9 and his whore Kristen, that DnT girl could have been Whore of the Week. Timing is everything, people.

Author Tockaray introduces us to druid Elluna, destroyer of guilds:

In retrospect, she literally destroyed the guild I had been in for almost 2 years. The funny thing is, though, is that I hadn’t even realized what she was doing until it was far, far too late. Sure, she’d cause petty drama once in awhile, but never anything serious. Once in awhile there’d be an epeen contest over who could get more of her attention …, and she loved it, but they dissipated quickly. For the most part, she was just your average, everyday e-whore. She’d enter conversations with a “Tee Hee ^_^” or make a random “EEEEP!” sound on vent just to get attention. She was overly obsessed with how her character looked, and was constantly the center of most of the “lol i saw u in IF and we danced ^_^” discussions. I’m sure many of you have seen her kind before.

I WISH I hadn’t seen her kind before.

(Thanks to emailer Bizz for bird dogging this thread.)

First, buried in the rogue forums amongst all the angst over the incoming haste nerf patch, “so im chilling in the dreaded ‘Friend Zone’..”, and our protagonist doesn’t give us much information, except this:

from Friend ladder to “good ladder”

DO or DIE and make the jump.

or

Let it be.

Probably, he’s referring to the hated Friends Ladder as postulated (and popularized) years ago at IntellectualWhores.com. (Click “Construction of the Ladder” for the professional graphic.)

There are a few amusing responses and even fewer helpful responses, but I particularly enjoyed reply #15 by this week’s top candidate for intense psychotherapy:

Stay away imo. especially if you work with her. She’s probably a wh0re anyways. Most of em are. A good 99% i’d guess.

So I’m guessing that Norman didn’t have a very healthy relationship with mom.

(Thanks, emailer Laura!)

Last, a spurned WoW lover used the forums to complain about the imaginary sex he had: KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR REPORT HERE. The thread was deleted (natch), but Google cache was quicker on the draw than me. (WARNING: This thread and the posted links are NSFW – language, masked language and ALL CAPS VIRTUAL SCREAMING.)

Basically, this level 61 rogue (that’s why you’re sitting on the bench, champ, L2Level) is claiming he had (real or imagined) sex with this woman who had sent him (real or stolen) nudey pics of herself (or her imagined self). It’s hard to decipher with the walls of text, maybe she’s his guildmate, maybe just a servermate, who knows, but neither party was satisfied, she moved on to other (real or imagined) lovers, and he chose to embarass himself on the server forums.

Quoted rants after the jump. Again, NSFW! (Names/img links edited from the quoted text.)

Listen up you %%!@ing douchebags defending *female game-name*, besides the like 2 other chicks(who are probably whale-esque %%%*#!!s anyway) defending her, everyone of you is a %%!@ing guy. if you’re not within the ages of 16-32, reconsider your %%!@ing life right now you douchebag. get the %%!@ off the internet old *%*#@#@.
now listen up horny ass little !**#@*s, I know you all love *female game-name* because “if she once dated an internet dude, she might do it again, right?!” besides the fact that she already is(so you’re building up your goddamn internet poke-a-snatch credit way too late), the !%@!# ALREADY GOT NAKED. And of course since *male game-name* is a goddamn @!!#@% trying to avoid a forum ban(very unlike me) he took down what most of you are looking for from this stupid #!#!, the twat and tits! now before I give away the big cha-bang, here’s a little teaser for you douchebags to shut the %%!@ up
http://bayimg.com/****
Yeah, those are REAL TITTIES, and yeah her myspace pictures DO make her look better(don’t worry, her %!#! looks like someone pumped testostorone into it, and her tits from another angle look like the international house of pancakes’ most disgusting crepes ever made!) and yes, you COULD be dating REAL GIRLS! even for you pathetic little @@!#heads it’s not impossible to get women, your attitude, self esteem and pretending you have money(they’re known as expensive %!##@s among men for a reason, and *male game-name* christened his little angel just that too)matter just as much as looks, unless you’re fat then you’re pretty much %%!@ed. BUT THERE DAWNETH THE LIGHT; A GIRL THAT DATES MEN ON THE INTERNET NO MATTER THEIR LOOKS! because, let’s face it, *male game-name* is a pretty ugly @!!#@% with a hideous little beard, and *female game-name*’s new boyfriend looks like what my chemical romance would look like if they were 15 year olds. We interupt this programm to bring you;
http://bayimg.com/****
warned you about the pancakes there!
anyway, going on, no, defending this girl is not going to get you laid, and you most definitly don’t want to %%!@ this aids-infested %!##@. you can lie to everyone here all you want, and honestly everyone that casually goes out(saturdays at best)will pick up on your BS right away(your friendly neighbourhood internet superheroes that can magically do it all, including me, me and me!). In the end though, you’re the one @*!*@!%!#ing in a pool of your own tears before you go to bed at night, that your best hope at ever getting a lay is that it doesn’t work out with this %!#!’s next boyfriend(or that dumb !%@!# from hostile that’s only in the guild because the trolls are disease-ridden *%*#@#@s that will do anything to hear a voice of a woman(INC FUNNY REPLIES ABOUT HOW THEY ARE “REALLY” GAY))and that the first guy she notices is you, because yes, that is how fast she goes through men. but here comes the reason why you’d never %%!@ing want to;
http://bayimg.com/****
the thing’s probably got more STD’s than this entire server combined. Probably because 90% of you are a bunch of goddamn virgins that wouldn’t have a shot at catching one anyway, and are trying your hardest to catch all of her’s with a single %%!@ing pokéball. If any of you, whatsoever, can read this entire post and still convince yourself that defending her, with that tiny, little shred of hope that she’ll eventually be your girlfriend, and that once you finally get to stick it in her %%!@ing pooper, she @@!#s all over your %#!# too (that’s really disgusting btw *female game-name*, good job) is really worth it, because let’s face it, no one’s hanging around for her friendship or her awesome personality, talking to a mud-puddle would be more interesting and deep than having a conversation with this moron, then seriously, there is no hope for your life. you don’t have to pretend and reply to me that you have real life friends and go out all the time, this is just telling you %%!@ing jackasses, to ask one of your friends that you know is outgoing to go out to a club with you. all of you goddamn nerds would finally realize that this !%@!#, besides being an STD-infested mine field, is worth absolutely nothing, not even your worthless filthy nerd times. anyone still defending this !%@!# that can go to bed tonight and say to himself “I did good protecting that girl’s honor, I shall now wipe the blood off my sword and sweat off my armor” Proceeding to probably clean his LARP-gear while doing that, is an absolute %%!@ing waste of life. if you have anything that even remotely resembles a life(remember grandpa, just because you’re 50 and realizing you’re not happy with your life but you can’t go out anymore cause you’d look like a %%!@ing clown, doesn’t maek e-loli worth it) you will not be posting her to protect her feelings, because let’s face it: if you had any clue what was possible if you attended your actual life more BESIDES saying “I go to skool/w0rk and then sprint home to get on wow lolZ” you wouldn’t %%!@ing be here, and you’d be enjoying this !%@!#

Second rant:

Now to *female game-name* herself: If you think these people are defending you out of friendship or whatever, really, what are you doing to yourself? do you REALLY believe it? I bet you burst into *%!!ing tears at times seeing what your life is. people who never see actual women flipping out about how hot you are being the greatest accomplishment you’ll ever achieve untill you seriously flip your life upside down, is that something you’re proud of? the fact that these thick-headed internet friends, you know who unlike the real life friends that you hang out with ‘all the time’ yet amazingly always blow you off on the last second, are always there for you, would probably not even be able to finish the University of Phoenix, or *%!! those are high standards, those %!!*@#@s probably couldn’t even finish anything more than a public high school on the lowest possible *%!!ing grades. Those are your friends *female game-name*. your friends you’ve never even met, and that just like you, you’ve only seen through self-provided pictures(which we realize by now, makes you look a lot better than you actually do) Can you live with that? is that where the suicide attempts come from? No, it’s more likely that you’re just as stupid, or as ‘uncomformist’ than your current boyfriend, and that you don’t even realize that these people are only interested in your tits(which really, aren’t all that interesting!)
And the highlights of your life? spending every night on wow, crying about your dad giving you a dominatrix uniform and going “put this on and ill make you famous” in an awesome, drunk pirate style(why the *%!! didn’t you abuse your %!*#@ish lifestyle back then, when you love it plentiful now) or was it cutting your wrists because “I DONT FEEL ANYTHING BUT THE PAIN, I NEED THE PAIN TO KNOW IM REAL!” or whatever bull*@%@ reason. if you actually tried to kill yourself and you cut yourself at those random *%!!ing spots, then yes, you’re really a no-good *%!!ing !*%!@ that will end up living in a trailer park with some fat redneck husband that will beat your face into the ground if you don’t make that goddamn inhuman piece of *@%@ a sandwhich and then sit in the kitchen where you *%!!ing belong, and practice not *@%@TING WHILE TAKING IT UP THE ASS EVERY NIGHT.
but rest easy, your prospects are great. at least you’ll have a ton of kids(probably through some form of incest, like with your father) and have a loving husband(the man appreciates a good sandwich, woman)
and you certainly won’t die alone, because all your children will be there to rob your corpse!

that, or you might become a fat !%!@@!#. you’re already halfway there!
http://bayimg.com/****

There’s a certain raw talent in his ranting. If this guy learns about paragraphs and punctuation, he could have a career as professional flamer.

That and $20 will get him a new World of Warcraft account to replace the one he lost with this post.

(Thanks, emailer Matt!)

Say for example you forgot where the Stormwind reagent vendor is and so you go to the inn and run upstairs looking for the elusive vendor, don’t go charging into the bedrooms without knocking first. Nightelf roleplaying is everywhere.

Since I’ve been occupied with fixing up my guild’s web presence — y’know, front page, forums, extra doodads — let’s talk about guild websites.

My opinion is that a guild’s website has two audiences: guildmembers and the gaming public which includes potential applicants, rival guilds and nosey outsiders. Remembering our audiences, here’s five considerations for your guild’s web presence:

1. Where. There are hosted guild resources available nowadays (read: mostly free) — GuildPortal, for example, and the newly funded GuildCafe (you’re welcome, Tweety), and some games offer guild resources for their players like Sony’s Station Players. Alternatively, your guild can buy its own domain name through a registrar and purchase private hosting.

There are pros and cons to hosted and private solutions beyond the costs, but remember that whoever has admin rights or is paying the bills owns your guild’s public persona. If he or she is a flake, they can nuke your site in a matter of minutes and your guild’s history, messages, DKP, screenshots are all gone. Don’t think that can’t happen, it does ALL THE TIME.

2. What. At a minimum, your guild will want a message board for persistent guild conversations. More elaborate guild sites also include a front page for news and announcements, DKP (kill points or attendance) software, a roster, a wiki, screenshot galleries, member pages, tradeskill details, a chat room, etc. etc. With a free hosting system, you’re limited to what is offered — with private hosting, you’re limited by what you’re willing to maintain. There is nothing sadder than a guild site that appears abandoned because it’s so poorly maintained.

Me, I like a guild site with a front page + forums. Much more than that and you’ll need a second person on website maintenance, and it’s hard enough to find even ONE guildmate willing to handle htmls, phps and ftps, much less two volunteers.

3. How. Again, free hosting you’re limited to the software they offer. Private hosting, open source is the way to go — free donchaknow. Examples for front page or content management services: WordPress, Drupal, Movable Type (open source as of June 2007). Message board/forum software examples: phpBB, Vanilla, bbPress.

Download, install, check for updates regularly.

4. Why. Remember I said that a guild website has two audiences, guildmates and the gaming public? Primarily, you’ll use your website to communicate with and motivate your guildmates. Y’know, like … we killed This last night and Soandso FINALLY got some gear.

Secondly, your sneaky, not-so-obvious agenda is to communicate with potential applicants to your guild. Even before they fill out an application, probably before they inquire of an officer, applicants check out your website. NEVER NEVER NEVER never never never use your public guild areas to discuss how much the guild is sucking lately. Save that shit for your myspace, or your super secret blog, or the private members-only areas of the website.

Ideally, your public areas will be updated regularly and will reflect the happy fun personality of your guild, however, not every guild has a happy fun person to do said updating. Minimally, your public area should be updated with the latest first kill or latest guild accomplishment or event. That might only be once a month. Any less than that and the website starts to look abandoned. No one wants to join (or belong to) an abandoned guild.

Lastly, your rivals will snoop around your website too and be mindful of that. Nowadays, with instances and private zones, allowing your rivals to see what you’re up to isn’t as critical as in the old days when we’d monitor other websites to check their targets for the night. However, using World of Warcraft as an example, as the competition for raiding level 70 characters gets tighter, your rivals will use your weaknesses against you. (read: poaching. For the gaming noobs, poaching is actively recruiting rival guildmembers.)

5. Why else. You’re going to keep your public areas classy — happy fun news and conversations for the gaming public and your members to see. Fun links! (Like AFKGamer? Of course you should!) Humorous video clips! Beautiful screenshots!

And then we have your private, members-only area. (I could have written “private area” there, but this ain’t no porn site.)

I’m a big believer in muzzling your guild. Do you see a lot of constructive, positive posting on your community gaming site? I don’t either. Your members may behave themselves most of the time on the community site, but the one time they’re drunk or angry or lose their temper, all those well behaved posts are forgotten and the trolls gather for an old fashioned forum beatdown because your guild name is now mud.

Even if your guild policy won’t be as strict as my guild’s, guildmates need a members-only area to discuss strats or real life falala. Lock that area up with registration and passwords, test it thoroughly and, for the love of gawd, monitor and update access as guildmates come and go. An ex-guildmate can wreak a lot of havoc with continuing members-only access.

Some other areas you’ll want to lock up behind registration and passwords of varying degrees: the Ventrilo/Team Speak server, the DKP/attendance area, officers-only forums, and maybe the applications area, too.

And I’ll close with a story, because I know some of you are thinking, “why would I lock up DKP/attendance? what do I care if someone sees our raids?”

I’ll tell you why. Because you might have someone like me on your server who knows to check out your attendance. And I do.

So when you announce to the server that you’ve downed Void Reaver, for example, I know that isn’t quite the whole story. I know you only had 6 or 7 of your people there, and you had StrongerGuild03 with you to down the Reaver. I don’t post this, of course, because I’m muzzled. But when I talk to your raiders and ask how things are going and they tell me “great! never been better!”, I know they’re fibbing. And as competition for level 70 raiders is getting pretty damn fierce, I use what I know to craft my cleverly disguised, oh-so-subtle recruiting pitch.

And the competition is only going to get fiercer.

Another equally ineffective approach is outlined at Cracked.com in some experimental online dating profiles, ranging from The Actual Truth to Giving Up on Society. Somewhere in between those extremes is the fake profile of a Larper:

Although I’ve never actually had sex, I have played several video games that simulate the act, and feel that that experience, combined with my catlike reflexes, means I’ll have a pretty good handle on what’s going on.

Throw out a wide enough net and you’re bound to pull up some refuse.

If that site wasn’t on its knees from the crush of VD traffic, that’s the card I’d email to serverperformanceissues (at) blizzard (dot) com and raidanddungeondesignfeedback (at) blizzard (dot) com.

Here’s something I *can* give you for VD, a short set of Warcraft screenshots that a reader, who wished to remain uncredited, emailed me … and I think this is from Medivh, again, the second most interesting specimens server population around. (I think this is Medivh, my notes are somewhat incomplete.)

A vignette told in two screenshots, that I call “No Licks Allowed”: Part I and Part II.

I know … just makes you wanna go have a lick, doesn’t it? Unless you already have a Warcraft character on Medivh, you’re out of luck. Character creation is still closed.

Besides, you really shouldn’t go licking around VD anyways. Dangerous.

Oh, but that’s not all. Upon reading her story, which is like something out of Unforgiven, Whisperwind residents Thorrbo and Sage tried to get the warlock’s side of the story and were treated to some misdirected cybering and told off by the warlock’s lady friend, who explained that they were both 14 years old (as opposed to 35-year-old men).

I’m not buying 14 years old for this reason alone: those mistells sure have the stink of booze and I’d like to think that there are no 14 year olds anywhere that are playing Warcraft drunk. Please do not correct me on this.

Also:
Archived thread (for when the live thread dies)
I saved the screenshots in a Flickr photoset for easier viewing. (click all sizes on each photo page for a larger view.)

Story found by frequent commenter Elbows.

To do a comic strip you need to be: A. funny, and B. a good artist, and most are C. neither.

I didn’t even get past the first strip, y’know to see if he was usually funny and a good artist, because his main character had the exact same name as this crazy fuck I knew in EverQuest-Classic. Let’s say his name was Venus, although it wasn’t, so don’t ask any Venuses you run across if they’re crazy fucks. (Even though they probably are, that would be rude.)

Now Venus, the character, was a half-elf chick, but Venus, the player, was a dude. (Ya, one of those shemales you’ve heard so much about.) Apparently it was Venus’ aim to roleplay a lesbian slut because he spent the latter portion of his EQ career trying to cyber the pants off of every pixelated female on the server.

At least he was carving out his own niche in the cyber game.

Venus bounced around from endgame guild to endgame guild, there were various rumors of it being an ebay toon, and I can personally verify that Venus had a nasty habit of getting his Planes of Power flags then guildquitting to join the next guild higher up on the EQ food chain.

(An aside for the cheap seats: In EQ, just because you paid for the additional content in an expansion pack didn’t mean you would have access to that content any time soon. Planes of Power — PoP — was a tiered expansion whereby your character had to complete various encounters — i.e. get flagged — to gain access to the next set. Evil genius.)

Eventually, Venus slept his way to the top, in a manner of speaking, and was guilded in the Uberest of Uber guilds. They were aware of his reputation, no doubt, but when a guild is starving for a particular class, ethics and standards can go to Hell. Once Venus was in the uberest, he had more time on his hands (heh), as his cybering antics began to get a lot of airplay in our own /guildchat and on the server boards as well.

One incident in particular unleashed a shitstorm on the boards, and that’s what got me chuckling this morning.

Venus had struck up a friendship with a (real) female in a rival guild, just a minor “hey, how ya doing” type thing … a relationship that any NORMAL person wouldn’t consider very close … and late one night, when all the guilds are finishing up their raids, he tried to press her into cyber service. Maybe some hawt lesbian cyber action, who knows. The (real) female declined, and declined, and declined, and eventually logged for the night after her guild’s raid was complete.

No big deal so far, has happened every day in every game around the world ever since that first cyber dude /tell “I’m touching myself” and the chick /reply “eww”.

The next night, Venus got started early with his cyber propositions, after all, maybe she was just rushed for time but otherwise was willing. Again, declined and declined and declined. Next night, Venus changed his approach and started sending her /tells with a simple “meow”, about every 30 minutes or so, “meow”.

Was he going for the obscure reference there? Was he breaking new cyber ground? Interesting technique at any rate.

He continued with the meows (and only meows) for a couple of days and the (real) chick finally had enough and complained to Venus’ guild leader. Through the gossip chain, we learned the GL’s response was something like, “err, what?” and then “what the hell am I going to do about that?” He had a talk with Venus anyways and probably hoped the whole thing would go away.

Days later, Venus was still meowing so the (real) chick took it to the server boards to complain and to ask if others had been similarly bothered by the crazy fuck. Goddamn, they all started popping out of the woodwork then; there were dozens of meow victims and they were plenty angry about it, too. We even had a few victims in our own guild, although our guildies had mastered the /ignore command long before, and had moved on with their lives.

Venus’ guildleader had to step in again and make apologies on his guild’s behalf, which I enjoyed witnessing a great deal. From what I heard, Venus playacted a NORMAL person for a few days, then relapsed into his meowing again. I do know that he was kicked out of the Uberest later that week and Venus, the character, was back on the ebay auction block soon thereafter.

Sadly, Venus version 2 (or was it 3?) was operated by a normal human with no feline proclivities. I imagine that was a hard rep to step into, even by ebay toon standards.

Think of all the catcalls. *rimshot*