(Yanno. That title might end up in an interesting Google search too.)

Do enough multiplayer online gaming, say ten minutes or more, and you’re bound to run into assholes. These five, although entertaining in their own way, really went above and beyond the behavior of a typical jackass.

Five 2006 Assholes to Remember — so we can keep a close watch on them — three from me, two from Raster:

1. The Priest who would be queen. Of drama, that is. I haven’t told this story yet because it only wrapped up this week. (Months in the making, however.)

This woman was a long-time guildmember of ours — married, with small children, and a decent priest, truth be told. Over the past year, she’d been linked romantically with a few guildmembers — a couple several years her junior, and a couple around her age. (Not judging, just saying, how young before I step in and remind her that this might be approaching ILLEGAL? It was getting close to that point with a few of them.) At least one of these kids guys left the guild because she dumped him; the others just moped around as she frolicked with the new love interest. So far, not really any of my business … except for the possible legal ramifications of guild complicity.

Meanwhile, she’s denying a few priest applicants here and there, mostly for no reason at all. We’d ask the other priests, “what do you think?”, they’re all fine with the app’s she hated. But, what can ya do? Guildmember hates a new guy, that’s too bad for the new guy. I prefer the evil I know to the evil I don’t yet know.

Oh ya, did I mention she was an officer? Ummm yaaaa. That was another problem.

One week this summer she told the guild that she was sleeping with one of our mages who lived in a neighboring state. I didn’t really need quite that level of detail, “we’re in love”, “we’re a couple”, either of those would have been suitable, but there was no misunderstanding after her description of his particulars. They continued making the beast with two backs for about a month and then she announced that she had left her husband over the weekend, moved into an apartment and the happy couple would be living together soon, in paradise, as she sought a divorce.

Fucking great, cuz I knew that was doomed to fail. Eventually Mr. Mage is going to wake up and realize he signed on for a whole lot more than paradise and then there’s going to be trouble.

Another few weeks passed and she announced that she was stepping down from officership, and so was Mr. Mage. (Did I forget to mention that he was an officer too? Oops.) They were far too happy spending time together to retain their officer positions, or to raid or play Warcraft anymore.

No problem, our guildleader demoted her down to member and demoted her offline boyfriend to member also. We wished them well.

The next night, Mr. Mage logged on and All Emo broke loose when he saw he wasn’t an officer anymore. “YTF did we demote him???” “What were we thinking??” He was seriously ticked.

This was us: What. In. The. Fuck?

Someone explained that his girlfriend had told us they weren’t going to play anymore and please demote them. “WTF, she doesn’t speak for (him)!”

Ya, we should have known that. Somehow. I guess. All I knew was, there’s trouble in paradise. Maybe Mr. Mage had woken up and smelled the peanut butter on the Lil Tykes toys, I dunno.

Then this week, which is a month-ish since the “demotion incident”, she left the guild, after saying her goodbyes to a select few. She didn’t say goodbye to me, cuz I never respected their love or some shit, I forget the exact second-hand explanation. Whatever.

Someone asked Loverboy what was up with that and turns out, they had broken up that week (shocking!) and the guild wasn’t big enough for the two of them (equally shocking!)

FOR ONCE, we got the best part of a deal! Hallelujah, it’s gonna be a good week.

Hey, maybe she can sell her priest like she did her other character that we equipped in Tier 2 armor. Oops, did I forget to mention that too? (Foton)

2. Emo Tank #2 of 3. (Story: The Emo Tanks 1, 2 and 3) Our second Emo Tank tortured me for many, many, months. His whining was unrivaled (until the 3rd Emo Tank appeared), his excuses legendary, and his connection was the worst I’ve seen. Twenty or more crashes per Blackwing Lair was a good day, and I was bombarded with a minimum of 1-2 hours worth of tells somehow related to him. “Sorry Boss” was uttered about 40 times per raid night for his multitude of screw ups and it quickly turned into a guildwide joke. He was also one of the biggest loot whores in the history of gaming (only his girlfriend, also a guildmate, was worse). He’d harass other warriors until they would pass on things just to shut him up, always felt entitled to everything because he ran a couple of 20-man raids, and would roll on every single item to drop that wasn’t DKP-based whether he needed it or not. While reading the stories may be entertaining, it was truly hell at times for those of us who lived through it. I never want to forget that solely for the reason that I do not let it happen again. (Raster)

3. The Battleground Leader who couldn’t read a map to save his life. (Here’s the story!) Basically, the guy kept shouting at me to stop camping Honor Kills in the middle of the map. 1. I wasn’t camping HKs and 2. I wasn’t in the middle of the map. It’s not that it’s unusual to find an arguing dude in a Warcraft PVP battleground, it’s that he was so damn stupid, I made sure to get a screenshot of him so I would never forget. As I hoped, I did run into him in later battlegrounds, principally Alterac Valley. Believe me, I was excited the first few times. Oh to get a chance to stand next to him stealthed and /smile when a roving band of horde would challenge his flag position! Sadly, I never got that opportunity cuz the fucker was ALWAYS AFK up in the entrance cave. Well damn. We could have had a very special PVP relationship if he would just poke his head out of the cave every once in a while. (Foton)

4. The former guildmate who couldn’t move on until we shoved her out the door. (Story: Razing BabbleOn) Currently reigning as the biggest twat I have ever met in WoW. She has the insatiable need to be at the center of all things drama. When there was not enough floating about, she would simply create her own. She was also incapable of remaining quiet for more than 3 seconds and I was her second favorite /whisper target. Thankfully, most of the problem was removed when (I suspect) her husband caught her unable to keep her cyber legs shut, as they were out of the guild five minutes later. Now all I need is a bus to finish off the job. (Raster)

5. The guildbank thief. (Story: Part I and Part II) Briefly, this rogue had applied to our guild, we had passed on his application because of his shady history, he formed his own guild then walked away from our server with their guildbank. Other than being a dick, his theft didn’t affect us in any way, but here’s why I want to remember him forever: the moron keeps applying to our guild with different characters. He’s not very smart about it either (so far) — he’ll use a character whose Warcraft forum signature includes his other characters or he’ll TELL someone in our guild who he really is. Three times now, he’s app’d since the bank theft — WTF man, how many times do we have to say denied?? (Foton)

Friday, the finale: My Favorite Stories of 2006.