I’ve got to believe that my guild is not the only one that’s experienced this phenomenon: The Emo Tank. I’m going to believe that because the other explanations are too horrifying — we as a guild are somehow attracting these nutbars, or, worse, we are the cause of said nuttiness.
Some background. Once upon a time, we were allied with another guild for raiding purposes. Their main warrior had this habit of doing a stream-of-consciousness play-by-play commentary for every single boss fight. Something like this: “I’m at 80 health, gonna need a heal soon, ok, got a heal, thank you whoever that was, now Onyxia is at 95, I’ll need more heals, knockback!! ok got a heal, I’ll try to find a good spot to stand, we’ll have phase two when it’s time, I’m at 70 health, 65!!! ok got a heal, thanks again, think I found a good spot, I’M TAKING SERIOUS DAMAGE HERE, ok healed …”
Oh ya, it was hilarious. So I did an impression one night of his Ventrilo play by play. My impression was very popular and spawned many other variations for everyone’s amusement. HE, however, was not amused. I got yelled at for being a dick and I apologized. (Between you and me, it wasn’t a sincere apology. That shit was funny — he was being too sensitive.)
As I’ve told you before, that alliance ended the one day and that was the end of our first Emo Tank encounter, although we hadn’t coined the term as of yet.
Fast forward a few months and we have this secondary tank in the guild — some would call him the primary offtank, the #2 warrior. Basically, he’s the guy that offtanks the second most troublesome add/guard in a boss encounter or he’ll tank the boss itself if the MT (that’s Mr. Main Tank to you kids!) loses aggro for some reason.
This new emo warrior would regularly descend into self deprecation and long-winded apologies whenever the boss fight or the raid didn’t go well, which was really annoying because he’d need reassuring for 15 minutes and he’d have to talk to a guild officer and he wanted the MT (that’s Mr. Main Tank to you peons) to evaluate his tanking skills and on and on until no piece of uberness could ever be worth dealing with that shit.
Exhausted of this love-me-now routine, I rebuked him one night, by telling him to “Save it for your Myspace, man”. And, out of that rebuke, a running bit in /gu chat and Ventrilo about The Emo Tank and his Myspace was born.
“Dear Myspace, I screwed up the Razorgore kiting today. I need a hug.” “Dear Myspace, I disconnected during the Skeram fight. I’m so ashamed.” “Dear Myspace, I think my guild wants to /gkick me. I feel so alone.”
OF COURSE, his feelings were hurt and I got yelled at for being a dick. Again.
He left the guild after a time (no, not because of The Emo Tank stuff), and one little side benefit of his departure, so we figured, was no more Emo Tank — how wrong we were.
We had about a week’s worth of peace and freedom from emo-tankiness until suddenly, a new Emo Tank emerged: the third tank down the line rises to take his place on the Emo Throne.
Last week, late at night, he made some disparaging /gu comment about some guild-whatever. I thought the comment was out of line and said so. (I wasn’t a dick about it, yet. That comes later when it’s obvious that subtle will not work.)
Cue fifteen minutes of his further explanations, his reiteration of his guild loyalty, his outline of his stellar tanking skills but why won’t the MT ever just tell him that he’s a good tank? He’s asked the MT several times for an evaluation of his play. Blablablablablabla. The Raidleader tells the healers that they’re doing a good job almost every day, why not the warriors? Don’t the warriors need feedback too? A pat on the back?
Because of the pressure building inside my skull, I patched things up with emo-boy and assumed the incident was over.
The next day, Emo Tank #3 apologized to the guild, as a whole, just in case anyone who wasn’t online the night before to witness the conversation had heard of the conversation and was frightened that our guild lacked the commitment to best any encounter in this wonderful World of Warcraft. Or in case they were questioning his guild loyalty, which they shouldn’t do because he’s loyal, baby!!
The entire guild heaved a collective sigh. Here we go again.
In honor of our Emo Tanks, past, present and future, I have created the fabled Myspace page: The Emo Tank. If you have a Myspace, you’re welcome to become The Emo Tank’s friend and leave pithy commentary or /huggles for him. Some days, he’ll recount actual emo /gu chat so you can share his pain. Other days, he’ll just post moods and listen to music.
He needs reassurance. He needs understanding. He needs a support system. He needs to talk about his feelings in minute detail until every available listener is begging for a bullet.
ADDENDUM: In case you’re thinking this is an age thing, let me break down some demographics about our three emo tanks.
Emo Tank 1: mid 20s, high school-educated, girlfriend (or so he said), level 60 Warcraft warrior
Emo Tank 2: early 20s, college student, live-in girlfriend, level 60 Warcraft warrior
Emo Tank 3: teens, high school student, never mentioned a girlfriend (real or imagined), level 60 Warcraft warrior
The only pattern I’m seeing in my statistically unsound sample: LEVEL 60 WARCRAFT WARRIOR.
ADDENDUM 2: I named the Emo Tank “Tyler” because I’ve met more than my fair share of Tylers with emotional issues. If your name is Tyler and you aren’t emotionally unstable, then you’d be the first. I’m not saying you don’t exist, I’m saying I don’t believe you.