The Bizarro Warcraft World

Since I’d had about enough of multi-hour queues on my real Warcraft server, the past few days I’ve been committing class, realm and server adultery … the gates of Hell yawn wide before me, I’m that full of sin.

I created a just-for-sport character on a server with only about 12 players, one of which is me: human rogue. (Hey, if I’m going to screw around behind my guild’s back, I might as well be the Chosen Class in the Chosen Realm.) Eventually, I’ll return to my real online job: Horde Priest and leveling slower than a roleplayer.

This is how alliance leveling goes: grab 20 quests from two or three buildings, run out to the kill area about 50 paces away, run back, ding to level 10. Move to the next area, rinse, repeat, ding level 15. Ok, I exaggerate, but not as much as you’d think.

Example alliance quest: some NPC was running low on booze in his town at the end of the world (man, I hear ya brother!) and told me to fetch kegs of booze from various areas around the map. “Easy!”, thinks I.

But what the dumass didn’t tell me was that one of the kegs had to come from this remote dwarf who wouldn’t accept money for a keg; he had to have the ingredients. Fine, I gathered his shit from the mobs nearby, got my keg and was on my way.

Another keg had to come from some town in the middle of very aggro mobs several levels higher than me. Ain’t that always the way with NPCs … go fetch suchandsuch in the middle of shit you have no hope against.

Thanks to rogue sprint and a beast flight outta there, I arrived back at Dumass NPC with the kegs and actually got an almost worthwhile reward. Mostly, I was still pissed off about the dwarf thing.

No matter, it was another ding for me, off to the rogue trainer where I received a small assignment from the rogue operative because, yanno, I’m showing promise. Forgetting my EQ training that nothing is ever as easy as it sounds or as rewarding as it should be, I figured I could knock out that assignment quicklike before I logged.

He just wanted me to pick a lock and, as God is my witness, he made it sound fast and easy. “It’s just up the road,” he said. “Pick a lock, come back,” he said. “I’ll make it worth your while,” he lied.

Which brings me to my favorite Warcraft exploit. I hope you realize by now that I don’t ever know any good exploits, just tricks to make a game easier that I call exploits because (here’s that EQ training again): anything that’s easier must be cheating.

After I got jumped the second time by Team Orc lying in wait for me “just up the road”, I did some ghost exploration to find the stupid building in my quest log. I’m too proud to ask in the public channel where shit is, and besides, even if one of the 12 people on the server are within hearing range, they’d just say to read my quest log … as if I hadn’t done that 5 times already.

(For you Warcraft noobs, when you’re a ghost, you can run around at increased speed completely non-aggro. Players and mobs are invisible, but you can see the terrain, buildings, camps, etc.)

So I finally located my intended building, of course it’s buried deep in orc-ville (screw you, rogue operative!). Because I could, I ran around as a ghost into the neighboring zones; it might be weeks or months before I’m a suitable level to get there and I do have regular employment as a Horde priest, after all.

Paranoid that the game might suspect I was just screwing off in ghost form needlessly, I ran back to my bod and rezzed out of range of massive (and patently unfair) orc aggro. I’m not as promising as my rogue operative was led to believe.

Tomorrow in the bizarro Warcraft world: the road will run black with orc blood.

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